Where is God?

The Extra Penny

~ Where is God?~

This blog just might pluck your nerve so consider this your fore warning. Wasn't that nice of me?  Kind of like the news telling you to get the kids out of room before they show the all-too-graphic pictures, I give you a warning. I always write from the heart, but I find my most spontaneous writings are the best, for me anyway.

So I've had my first ‘alone’ day in 4 weeks. I have shopped, ran into my sister (who I caught trying to sneak a note on my windshield at a local store. I’ll get you back.), watched some mindless TV, walked a few miles to clear my head (no running, thank you knees), and had some alone time trying to talk to God. And I began to wonder… where is God?

Before you try to answer, I think I have it, for me anyway. Allow me to take you with me through my journey. I’m sure some of you have been through this, it has to do with being frustrated, tired, excited, hopeful, realized, and every other adjective of which you can imagine. Where is God?

If you are reading this, you are probably similar to me in that you rejoice in others’ promotions, look for the positive in what others see as negative, and continuously try to boost those who have to look up to see down! This is a role I have taken on my entire life and I love it no matter how exhausting. I am, however, wondering, where is God for me?

Before you think I am winding crepe paper and blowing up balloons for a pity party, I assure you that is not my style. Ask anyone who knows me. I think we all have those 15 minutes occasionally (and I am certainly not exempt), but I am wondering why, when I have been so excited about the lives of others, I haven’t been nearly as excited about my own… and why I am not seeing God in my own life as much as I am seeing Him in others? And even as I type this, the structure of this blog is changing…

(I just had an Ah-Ha moment… Seriously, stay with me). I am so glad my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am so glad my God is big enough to handle my anger and my doubts. I will tell you this from the bottom of my heart (or the heart of my bottom which is bigger; I tried on clothes today) that I have NEVER doubted there is a God. I HAVE doubted that He has remembered me. I have thought, in the depths of my little blonde brain that He must be too busy with all the important things to bother with my petty questions, requests, hopes, dreams,  doubts, and fears.

I am a mother. If I heard those words come from either of my children, my heart would crack open. I would cry. In fact, just typing this makes my eyes leak a little that one of my children would think for one second that I wouldn't care what troubles them; wouldn't care what they want or what they need. Do they have enough lunch money? Do they want a yearbook? Do they need money for the volleyball team? Raider’s team? Yes, I have students at school who come with bruises and marks, and unexplained and unspeakable crimes against them, but they, Liam and Mary... they are my children!!! Tell me what you want!!!  My God, My God…. My God must want me to tell Him the same thing… I am not petty. I matter. Yes, He has big fish to fry, but *I* am His fish! I matter! While I am taking care of everyone else and trying to make sure God shows up and shows out in their lives, am I making sure He has room in mine? Am I giving Him work space? I’m not.

As I wrap this up, I will tell you this entry took an entirely different turn than I thought. I have wondered if God remembers me and while I typed I realize I have been the one so busy that I didn't leave Him much entry room. I would say I’m embarrassed, but I’m not. I know God works through my hands, my fingers, my mind, my heart.

I have hoped for many things… security and safety for my children, true love, financial peace, but mostly that I can truly touch those who read.

So where is God? He hasn't moved. He hasn't left. Where have I been? I've been busy trying to help everyone. It took a day alone… a day where I was ‘bored’ and ‘restless’ to reconnect. God is here. Where have I been? I can’t share Him if I can’t slow down. I matter to Him. I am important enough to sit quietly and talk to Him and renew myself. It’s funny… it makes sense now. A song played this morning as I walked and I felt so strong… I was even belting out this song a little as a runner passed me (bless his heart)...   (Big Daddy Weave)

They who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength
They will mount up on wings, they will walk and not faint
Seasons of this life change but God's faithfulness remains
They who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength .

He craves me… my time. He craves you. Where is God? He’s right here. Right now. Where are you?

Peace,

Becky

Planting Seeds

There are so many things rolling around in my head today I would be amiss not to torture you, my precious readers, with them as well.

As you know, I am an elementary school counselor. Before this I taught elementary school for many years, so I can absolutely relate to the teachers among whom I am privileged to work. I believe I blogged a long time ago about everything teachers, and all those in the school system do, in addition to educating their charges.

As my co-counselor and I have been preparing for ARMT testing week, I am again reminded of all the hats we wear as counselors. In fact when I began my counseling career I actually called the counselor at my former school with my head down a tad, saying "I'm so sorry! I had no idea what all this entailed!" Classes, books, and even internships do not prepare you for life.

Today a small flashback hit me to last year when a teacher actually said, "It must be nice sitting in an office all day!". I think bile rises in my throat every time I think of that (so don't think of it, Becky!) My sister once had no idea what I did and thought I sat in an office and waited for "troubled kids to come talk to me". Yes, there are some snippits of time as that, but there is so much more. SO much more. We plant seeds.

When I come home feeling like I have no idea exactly what I'm doing, IF I'm making a difference at all, I have to remind myself that I plant seeds. Teachers plant seeds. Counselors plant seeds. We all plant seeds. But here is a little idea of how we plant seeds...

We are the first ones called when a child has wet his/her pants and needs something to wear; when a child throws up or has a bloody nose and needs a new shirt; or when a child needs shoes because their's are too worn, too small, or their flip-flop broke. We see to it that children have appropriate clothing in the winter, good clean clothes and shoes if they are needy, and food, even on the weekends. We take calls from parents who are concerned (no, we can't tell parents what they say in counseling sessions), parents who are angry, parents who need to vent, and other schools who are inquiring about very transient kids that just left us to come to them. We call other schools to get records (sometimes five or six times before we get them), test scores, or to consult with other counselors. We work with attorneys ad litem, and DHR when we need to, regarding children's well-being, sometimes knowing our case will be 'unfounded' and worry ourselves sick about what will happen next.

We take children who are discipline challenges from the classroom for hours at a time sometimes, so the classroom can run smoothly; helping the child with classwork and trying to make lesson plans for our two week classroom guidance rotation (for me, 24 classes over two weeks). We have small group counseling, a LOT of individual counseling and we know how to document carefully because written notes can be subpoenaed. We plan Red Ribbon Week, specialty programs for older grades, work 504 plans, Impact cards, and testing materials. We also have duties like car line and breakfast duty every single day, so we can make or break how a kid's day starts on campus.We give pep talks to kids (and teachers, and each other). We deal with attendance issues, bullying issues, the rare suicidal child and children who self mutilate. We give out book bags, school supplies, hugs, snacks, encouragement. And wouldn't it be nice to sit in an office all day?!?!
Oh, and did I mention all the TESTING for which we prepare???? (Booklets and answer sheets and no.2 pencils! Oh my!)

Seeds planted: someone cares if I'm fed, clothed, if my work is done, and if my hair is combed. Someone knows why I'm acting out, what I go home to, why I'd rather sit with an administrator than in my class, Someone helped me keep my dignity, understood my darkest thoughts, wouldn't let me give in to them. Someone pushed me to be better, go further, give more. Someone sees something in me that is more than I see in myself. Someone planted a seed for me.


Today was one of those days I felt a little less than, in my profession. We were hurried, crazy, I made a couple of mistakes, and I had a child with me for discipline. He was being disrespectful, but I felt a lump in my throat because I truly love this child and I know a lot more of what he goes through than some. I looked him the eye and said, "I realize in ten years you probably won't remember me, but I WILL remember you, and I will still be there to help you if you need it. And I am now!". His demeanor changed. He looked down and did his work. I checked it. The day was over. Did it matter? Sometimes I think not, but when we plant seeds and immediately look down, we still see dirt, ground, soil. It takes time. And many others behind us to water as well.

A beautiful friend of mine called this week and was in tears because she always loved being a teacher, but it has become so challenging. She said "I feel like 'just a teacher'". I am thinking of her now. How ALL of us wear all of these hats, it isn't just me or my co-counselor, or teacher friend. It is every person who is committed to working with children. We plant seeds. We may not see the flowers now, but we plant them in faith.

Exhaustion settled in with all of us today at the end of the day. We start testing next week. I am blessed enough to work with beautiful spirits who will do everything I wrote above and probably more for these children because they love them, believe in them, and more importantly want them to believe in themselves.

So, while some may think we just sit at a desk, I welcome them to look at some of the seeds I have blooming now... in notes on my bulletin board, in colored pages and drawings posted on my wall, in anonymous letters from kids, and in hugs in abundance. Seeds planted in faith. Sitting at a desk all day? Now, wouldn't that be nice... not!