So what’s
been different this year? With the New Year at my fingertips I gingerly turn
back the pages of my year to see what, if anything is actually different. It’s
no secret I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t see the point of disappointing
myself more than usual. Why promise to do things or not do things? I sort of
let things happen, strive for things. I certainly don’t want to wait an entire
year to try to do better or make a serious to-do list. But what is different now
than last year? Let’s see…. I let my
hair grow out quite a bit and I’m wearing it natural, more wavy. I figure we
gals have spent WAY too much time styling our hair. YEARS! YEARS we have spent
styling our hair to do unnatural things and our hair, our poor hair has had no
voice of its own to protest (though if you look back through yearbooks you will
see there, on those pages, are indeed protests). I weigh pretty much the same
as I did a year ago, though I was probably in better shape then. I have a different
cable carrier. Viola! Life changing event! Ok, not really. Same car, same house,
same job, same kids (though there were a few times I seriously considered a
trade on one or both). So what really changed? What’s new? What big
enlightenment did Becky encounter this year?
I stood on
the back porch tonight and kind of chuckled at the whole New Year’s Eve thing.
I like it, don’t get me wrong. I like new things; fresh starts. I like a full
tank of gas and a fresh book of stamps (yes, I still mail things, don’t judge
me). I always felt like with a full tank of gas or a fresh book of stamps you
could do pretty much anything. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I
developed that attitude when I was at Auburn and pathetically homesick. I could
mail letters to my mom or come home if necessary. Poor me. That’s another blog
for another time and yes, Mom, I’m still sorry about a lot of that. Moving on
here…
As I looked
to the winter sky (winter evening skies are the prettiest) I asked myself what
was so different this year. This is where I have to admit that I sometimes hear
things. Not like those people who walk around with full shopping carts that
aren’t anywhere near a store, talking to themselves. It’s more like a very
still, small voice that hits me. I like to think of this as me FINALLY getting
quiet enough that God’s voice actually gets through my thick skull and I hear
what He wants me to instead of all the monkey chatter that has accompanied me
since birth. Mom used to say to me “Five minutes, Becky, please, just five
minutes” and I think I know why. Ok, for starters, bless her, she really needed
the peace and quiet, but she probably knew that one day I needed to be quiet
enough to hear things, besides my own voice, that would help direct me, guide
me. Maybe or maybe not but that sounded really good so I’m leaving it in here.
“You have
changed”. I was a little taken aback because this isn’t something I would
normally tell myself but being that I was hearing it loud and clear I decided
to cut myself some slack and look at the ways this past year has grown me.
I HAVE
changed. People often think that others don’t change. I disagree. I think if we
are smart we are seeking to grow, to change, to be better, stronger, smarter.
Sometimes we change on purpose. Sometimes change finds us because it is, quite
simply, time.
I have made
a lot of mistakes over the past year. I
am here, raw and ready to admit it. That’s all I’m going to say about that, so
don’t get your hopes up that I’m going into full confession mode. Ha. No way!
But I have learned a lot about who I am. I learned that I really love what it
has taken for me to get to this shaky, unknowing, vulnerable, scary place in my
life. Now, you may be wondering why I am not describing my place as more sound,
stable, and knowing. Because when you learn more about who you are and where
you are you realize that nothing is totally stable, sound, and for heaven’s
sake, you know nothing! Seriously! Remember what a great parent you were before
you had kids? Hahahhaha Exactly! Those silly kids forgot to show up with their
owner’s manual and we have had to wing it from day one! The very person who
swore they would never bribe their kids now passes out freeze pops to her kids
and their friends if they will simply wipe down the window sills.
So how am I different? I have learned
that while I may know little about what may or may not happen in life, I do
know how I react to things is the cornerstone for my own happiness. I have
learned the happiness of others is not my responsibility and none of us owe
excuses, explanations, or apologies for who we are or for our own values,
thoughts, opinions, or beliefs. I have realized that engaging in any
conversation with some people is like feeding a cat. Sometimes people are
looking (as a friend of mine said today) to pick a fight, argument, or for
someone to be mad at. I won’t engage. I am taking small baby steps to get where
I want to be. The big picture has been looking too big and scary but I finally
began taking small baby steps and it has felt empowering, albeit a little
scary. There is something liberating when you realize how paralyzing fear has
been.
When did we
become afraid to try new things? As kids we, or my sisters and I did most
anything. We were ridiculously unafraid of fear if that makes sense. In fact we
didn’t have enough sense to be afraid of the things we should! Rolling off the
roof onto lawn cushions? Sure! Sign me up! Nothing could possibly go wrong with
that! Skateboarding down the neighbor’s steep driveway out into the street
while our designated “watcher” made sure a car wasn’t coming? No fear!
Invincible! Fast forward 30, ok fine 35 years later and I’m having semi-panic
attacks at the thought of writing a book or packing boxes to store in hopes of
selling a home. I realize these are big people things, but really? In the grand
scheme of life, we are healthy, happy, and so what if I fail? I’m right back
here where I am right now… happily clicking away on my trusty laptop.
So what has
changed? Not much, except me… in a lot of ways. So I guess that is much. Maybe
we shouldn’t put so much pressure on ourselves to change. It seems that if we
listen to life (five minutes, please, five minutes) and pay attention to all
the lessons out there for us to learn we will have plenty of resolutions that
take care of themselves without us setting ourselves up for disappointment. And
change? Like it or not you probably will. And this next year will be different.
How different and what kind of different is up to you.
Happy New Year!
Resolution-Free,
Becky
December 31, 2014
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