"I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come." This was on a shirt of a little girl at school, and it cracked me up! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I originally heard it on a Friends episode a long time ago. Laughing so hard because the truth comes out best in little kids' t-shirts. We can laugh at those while secretly nodding in agreement. The kids likely don't understand the strength of the statements they wear sometimes, but we sure get it. Case in point, one kiddo wore a shirt to school that read, "Will run for wine." Pretty sure that child just yanked a shirt out of someone's laundry, but we got it... and at that time of year, most of us would have.
Sometimes I read back through my blog. Perhaps I do this to reflect what was going on personally at that time, what prompted me to write. Maybe I need to see how I've grown since then, or question why I didn't catch grammatical errors. I'm pretty sure my big sister probably noticed and made mental notes of (like ending that sentence with "of"). In November 2015, I wrote a post regarding telling the truth; not so much to everyone else but being honest and vulnerable with yourself.
Reflecting on what I had written, while nearly 4 years had passed, much of the same feelings in that post remain. So many fears were unwarranted, as they so often are, right? My friend Elizabeth and I have been having so many talks lately. She has been experiencing change and growth in her life, and we talk about everything under the sun. One thing I love about Elizabeth is how she makes no bones about being vulnerable. She has grown so much lately by simply laying it all out there, her fears, her worries, her doubts, her hopes... how she realizes God has control and she doesn't. She never really has. WE never really have. Peace has washed over this woman in a way I wish it could EVERYONE. She has been honest and vulnerable. And it's hard. Very. But God can handle it.
In my previous post, I was worried about how I would do life when my oldest finished school and moved off. Well, guess what? He did. My daughter and I were okay. We found the coolest girl time. On Wednesday nights after her youth group, we each had our appointed couch, appointed blankies, and settled in to watch our recorded shows for the week. It may not sound like much, but when you have a teenage girl, this particular time that is YOURS and yours alone is like gold. There were many things we did where our hearts took pictures; proms, homecomings, walking the dogs together, shopping trips, Chick Fil A trips (a LOT), working in the yard, etc. Worried? WHY? And she and her brother were in contact daily, and he never let more than a few days go by without letting me know how he was doing.
But for more truth-telling (that wouldn't likely fit on a t-shirt and wouldn't be appropriate, nor apply to many folks anyway)...
My youngest graduated last May, and I'm genuinely an empty nester. I'm usually fine until someone says, "Wow! You're really an empty nester!" Then I start to think about it.
While the kids were growing up, their dad and I shared custody. They were always in school where I taught or in my feeder schools, so I really didn't go long at all without seeing them, and if they were "with me" they were with me. I rarely got a sitter or went out unless they were with their dad. Even with all the sports and events we had while they were growing up, I find that my quiet time is well earned and appreciated now, so being home on my back porch with a book, a magazine, or a friend to talk to is more relaxing than going out. Nevertheless, when people say, "Empty Nester" images of some scraggly looking bird sitting along in some aerial, waiting to be saved just comes to mind. Hopefully, that won't be me.
I'm a little afraid of what comes next. After going back to school a couple of years ago for admin. add- on, I decided to go back... again... when others are talking about retiring. It makes me think I've lost my mind. But I love learning. I do. The thought of NOT going back and learning and continuing on scares me.
I've had two rescue dogs for over 11 years now. One is very sick, and my heart has forgotten how much you can love your pets like they are your family. I want to cuddle her like a little football and hug her forever.... but it's Emmie, and she will have none of that.
This past year has shown how fleeting life is. My sister lost the man she loved abruptly on New Year's Eve, and shortly after, our step-sister died rather suddenly. It all seemed so very surreal, and to tell you the truth, I feel on edge like I'm in a corner watching everyone, checking how everyone is doing, physically, emotionally, etc. all the time. My guard is up. It scares me. A lot. While nothing could have been helped, I hate feeling helpless. Likewise, the kiddos we help at school go through so much it's nearly unbearable, and few, very few understand the position a counselor is in. There are days it feels as though I'm walking a tight rope.
And that is where I ended this post in September 2019. I don't remember exactly why I stopped there. 2019 was a rough year in many ways, and it seems 2020 is modeling itself after. The original title of this hasn't changed and looking at 2020, I kind of want to say, Sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come! But here I am, and here you are. This means the shenanigans that were going on were no barrier to the determination we have to muddle through. So while there are times we don't want to show up, we do. We show up. We keep going, growing, moving, and it gets better if we keep it real with each other.
