I have felt a blog coming on for a long time, so this may be
a combined writing of 3 or 4 blogs, or it may simply be one that makes no
sense, who knows. It’s mine though, this writing, my ownership allows my
thoughts to rush in like a flooding river.
Where did big hair go? If you grew up in or around the same
decade(s) as I, you know that we are largely responsible for the hole in the
ozone layer. We also saw leggings, leg warmers, chukka boots and heavy
eye-liner the first time around (or second or third, I can’t be certain). You
know that if you tripped and fell down, your hair would break off, so my sister
warned me. My question is where did it all go? I see it’s coming back, but
where did the years in between go?
I swear when I was younger I remember someone telling me not
to wish my life away. I thought, “I don’t wish it away, I just wish I was a
little older so (insert wish)”. Well VIOLA! Color-me-lucky, I got my wish! Now,
for the life of me, I can’t figure out where the time has gone.
The other day I was proudly ordering flowers for my son’s
date for his first military ball. You know, girls, the corsage that we wore
proudly with our beautiful gowns and held onto, well, forever? I called the florist and began to describe the
dress to the best of my ability, given my son’s description to me consisted of
monosyllabic words in a text message. I choked up. I did. I used to WEAR the
flowers and now I’m ordering them. Where did the time go? A male friend at work
said “Well, you should be good at ordering them!” to which I barked back “You’re
missing my point!!!”
This same week my daughter had volleyball tryouts. Two days
of grueling ball slamming for her and two days of grueling tummy knots for me.
She has had private lessons for a while because this is important to her, but I
also know that we don’t necessarily always get what we want. I tried to be very
positive with my daughter, while also letting her know that just trying
something new was a “win”. I wondered if I believed what I told her. I wondered
if I would believe it if someone was telling me the same thing. I firmly
believe that, for kids, but I also know how hard kids are one themselves, so I
was prepared that if she didn’t make it, we would have to ‘back up and punt’ so
to speak. Wednesday morning when “the list” was posted, my daughter had made
the team. I could breathe again. I had been taken back to when I tried out for
cheerleader (how many times?) and didn’t make it, and came home crying. I
remember my mom, not her words of wisdom as much as her arms that reached out
and held me. I remember her telling me “there will be other things”. And there
were. My mom rocked. My mom still does.
Where did the time go? My sisters always joke that if you
need a certain date recalled you ask Becky. I have a steel trap memory. I do.
Well, until it has to do with something that is due, or something I did
yesterday. Oh, and occasionally I go to doctor appointments an entire month early,
but with DATES of things in our past, I have it down… at least I think I do and
no one argues.
Memory can be a blessing, but it can be a curse. I do
remember details. A lot. A LOT.
I can’t for the life of me though, remember where the last few years have gone.
I think my 30’s were spent chasing a toddler and then a newborn, then a school
age boy, and toddler girl. I went through a divorce, had to go back to work,
raised two kids and went back to graduate school. Fog. It’s a fog to me. I hate
that.
I remember talking to my mom once about how fast time goes
and she said “You have no idea”. I don’t remember where we were going, but I
was driving and she was in the passenger seat. My heart took a picture of that
because her words were meant for me to take notice. You have no idea. I had no
idea.
I had no idea my life would take these turns. I had no idea
I would be so incredibly blessed by these two amazing children, but that their lives
would fly even more quickly than my own. I had no idea I would start to gauge
that they are soon to be going to college and hopefully putting into practice
all that has been passed on to them (not big hair). I had no idea that this
teaching/learning period is so ungodly short! I had no idea that I would see
myself, alone again and it scares me a little and I don’t like it, but I’ll
figure that out. I had no idea God would show up and show out because I came to
my knees and asked Him to take over.
So, where did this time go? Where did big hair and leggings
go, and WHERE DID MY RETAINER GO??? I
just don’t think we understand that this life is such a flash of what God has
in store for us. It has to be. I am amazed at life. It’s fun. It’s whimsical.
It’s a roller coaster so terrifying that you can’t wait to get back on again! What’s
in store? What else is there? I treasure my past. My H.S. years (if you are
reading this, you are a part of it and you know who you are) I treasure raising
my children and these years. My heart hurts that it is flying, but I thank God,
hear me when I say this, I thank GOD for this time to make or break my children’s
memories. I thank God for this roller coaster and pray that it slows just a
tad. I thank God that my kids listen sometimes and hope that they, like I, just
might hear their mom say, “You have no idea” and one day they think about what
that means… while styling all of that hair maybe… or finding the plug to the
ozone layer.
Becky Wilkenson
February 22, 2013
