I started with a totally different blog tonight. Don’t fret.
I saved it for you to read when you had insomnia. So often my writings take
such different turns than I intend and many times it’s with a quick event,
happening, saying, or something that has me venturing off into never never
land.
Tonight it was a post from a sweet young man that I have
known for a long time asking if anyone ever had a crush on someone and was too
shy to tell them. I said “YES! But it’s harder to wonder ‘what if’ if you don’t”.
I am such a hypocrite. Now, I’m not lying when I say yes, of course, I have had
a crush on someone and was too shy (yeah right) or afraid to tell them, but I
live with a lot of “what ifs” that I wish I didn’t.
With the randomness of writing I think I’ll say some things
to people here that I wish I had said along my life’s way. For those of you who
are getting excited, don’t. I’m not putting names. That wouldn’t be fair. But
there were many times in my life I wanted to say something and I wonder if
anything would be different if I had. Not better or worse, just different. So
here I go:
________________ you
taught me that academics were a very small part of learning. You dared to speak
to me about the hurtful things in my life and left school out of it. I learned
more from you than I did from the book. Thank you.
________________ I loved you the best I knew how. I didn’t
love myself. When I finally did, I realized love wasn’t what I thought it was
in the first place.
________________ I’m sad that after a divorce, with small
kids I was in a place where I allowed what you said cause me to be afraid of a
God that I now know to be loving and forgiving. This kept me from serving in
your church. I thank God that He isn’t at all like you.
_______________ I love you with my whole heart. I have
cried. Prayed. Begged. Sat up late with you. I can no longer enable you to
self-destruct. Sometimes love has to walk away for a while. You are an adult,
it’s your choice.
_______________ I miss you every day. I want to ask you what
I’m supposed to do. I want to ask your opinion on things. I want to sit with
you and I want you to draw me pictures again. I want you here and I wish you
didn’t have to go away so long ago.
_______________ the beautiful engraved bell and parfume you
gave us at Christmas time after Daddy died meant more to us than you can
possibly imagine. It was more than ‘gifts’… it was little girls remembered.
______________ you took us shopping to get our mom birthday
gifts when we were little and had no dad. I remember vividly. That took a lot of heart
from you. Thank you!
_______________ when you told me what I an awesome teacher I
was, I was there earlier and stayed later for a long time to be even ‘awesomer’
because you believed in me. Your trust in your teachers was what made you an
exceptional leader. When you retired, I left, and it was never the same; but I
took your lessons with me.
________________ I thought I knew what I was talking about,
then I had my own. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Being a mother is hard.
Being a single mother is heart-breaking sometimes. Forgive me.
________________ I wish you didn’t have to go live in ___. I
would take you to live with me if I could. I almost called the guardian ad
litem. You have no idea how much I want to adopt you and your brother so you
didn’t have to leave here.
________________ You have no idea how much those little
plastic Christmas forks and spoons meant that you mailed to my kids. I still
have (a couple of) them. I say “So, what do you think we outta do now?” because
you said it to your boys. You taught me
so much. I’m mad that ALS took your body. I’m sad you’re gone.
_________________ If you talk to people like they are dogs,
don’t be surprised if they bite you.
_________________ thank you for trusting me. Thank you for
loving me. Thank you for teaching me how to be a friend. Thank you for
unconditional love for so many years. Thank you that I never have to worry
about where I am with you.
_________________ you saw the best in me when I saw a void
space. You lifted me when I couldn’t see which way was up. You didn’t judge me.
You taught me to love. Just love. Thank you.
_________________ you called me on the morning of my
wedding. You said you wish Daddy was here to see it and how you missed
him. I remember that phone call, where I
was, it was raining. Thank you for thinking of me and Daddy. I know you loved
him too.
_________________ thank you for watching after us after Dad
died. Thank you for putting a CB radio in our car so Mom could call someone if
she needed to. Thank you for being Dad’s best friend. You were the first
example of ‘best friends’ I had.
_________________ when you asked me to take you to the dr. I
was honored because it meant you trusted me and I know it’s hard for you to ask
for things.
_________________ I
loved you. I don’t know why or how; it doesn’t make a single bit of sense but I
did.
I wish I was brave, like the new song I love so much by Sara
Bareilles, Brave. I wish I could let the words fall. I can’t. I’m cautious. I’m
better, but cautious. Liam says I don’t have a filter which I think is funny
because I’m thinking, “Son, you have NO idea!” I can’t figure what in the world
I have saved by keeping words to myself. I don’t mean ugly words; we should
keep those to ourselves. Kind words, loving words, risky words… we should put
them out there! Really, what do we have to lose? That was why I told my young
friend tonight my regret is not saying things. If you tell someone how you feel
and it’s not reciprocated, what have you lost? Dignity? No! You spoke your
heart!
Do you know how brave you are to speak your heart? You have lost
nothing. Nothing. Ill feelings, hurtful
feelings, maybe you should work through because you have to ask “How will this
help?” and it probably won’t. But loving, thoughtful, risky feelings? Why not?
Why not tell people what an impact they have made on your life? Why not let
people know you love them? It doesn’t mean just romantically, love comes in
many flavors!
I look at this way: At the end of my life will I be thinking
“I wish I had…” or “I’m glad I…”
So, hold your head up, clear your throat… and speak your
words.
Lovingly,
Becky
September 2, 2013
