My Letter to Liam on Graduation

Well, my oldest went off to college. Actually we took him there and left him which feels as horrible as that sounds. It's not like we dropped him off in the desert and told him to figure out how to get home. We carefully planned our weekend, overloaded 2 vehicles, and with all the blood, sweat and tears we had, drove to South and did what had been done thousands of times before. We set up our son's room, made sure he had plenty of toilet paper and dorm room food, and I, being Mom, set up his bed (..."because that's the mom's job!"). No one argued with me. No one dared argue with me. All weekend. Or since really. Sweet Mary has fared well, given her brother is away. They talk and text a lot. She has actually been rather chatty and has explained that, "someone has to fill Liam's spot while he's gone."

It's hard letting your child go, even though you prepare them for this. You raise them to make this world better and trust that God has them, but your heart aches like nothing anyone can explain really. I thought for certain I would have pages and pages to write soon. I may. But for now, and with Liam's permission, I am posting my Letter to Liam on his Graduation.

So... Here was my letter to Liam:

To Liam on Graduation Day,

When you were born, I calculated the year you would graduate: 2016. I remember chuckling to myself as it seemed so far away. There were times I thought I was ready for you to grow up just a little; dress yourself maybe or maybe even run to the store for milk, or take Mary to or from practice. No mom can tell another mom that those days come too quickly, that your kids grow up in the blink of an eye and that you literally lie in bed awake with tears streaming down your cheeks wishing for a do-over so you can do better, be a better example, give better advice, spend more time with them, or hold them longer.

Praying for do-overs doesn’t work. I know. I’ve prayed for them. Many times. But we get new days, every day, and for that I’m grateful. While I can’t slow time down I can take a little of that time now to tell you some things that I know you’ve heard a million times over the last 18 years, but I want you to take these to heart. Let me start this by saying that if all the children in the whole wide world were lined up, I would pick you and Mary Abbott again. I can’t believe I have been so blessed to be your mom. I am, indeed, the luckiest woman on earth for that blessing.

With that, as you go out into this great big world….

• Always be kinder than you have to be
• Dress a little nicer than necessary
• Remember that everyone has a story and get to know as many as you can
• Open doors for ladies; including your mom and sister
• Use a napkin
• Wear the bike helmet
• Taste your food before you salt it
• Never turn down a gift from a child
• Always read to a child if you have the opportunity
• Say “Thank you” a lot
• Buy good shoes
• Brush and floss everyday
• Smile first and often
• Be kind to people in customer service, it really throws them off
• Drink a lot of water
• Remember what you put ‘out there’ (in cyber world) never goes away. Be careful
• Let someone know where you are going and when you are back
• Return grocery carts to the proper place
• Call your parents just to say hi
• Call your grandparents just to say hi
• Call your sister just to say hi
• Remember a bad day does not mean a bad life
• Speak to people who aren’t expecting your kindness
• Get to know faculty and staff at school and where you work. They are ALL important
• Remember every single person makes a difference in someone else’s life and treat them with that respect
• Remember that every person is someone’s baby
• Be kind to animals, elderly people, and wait staff
• Never ever make fun of anyone
• Laugh with people, but not at them
• Wear cologne but not too much
• Find a good church
• Be ok spending time alone
• Find a girl that knows how to fish
• Find a girl that is confident but not cocky or high maintenance
• Use your manners
• Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see
• Read your Bible. A lot.
• Be careful about movies you watch. Trash in, trash out.
• Shake hands with people when you meet them, look them in the eye, and repeat their name
• Learn how to cook at least 3 good gourmet meals
• Iron your shirts
• Be humble
• Be safe
• Be silly
• Do not ride in the car with a driver who has been drinking
• Do not drink and drive
• Treat ladies the way you would want your sister (or mom) treated
• Stand up for yourself
• Stand up for what you believe is right
• Use your voice for those who don’t know how to yet
• Remember it’s ok to be afraid
• Remember it’s ok to be angry
• It’s not ok to hurt people
• Be true to yourself
• Clean up after yourself
• When you visit someone’s house, leave your area cleaner than when you got there
• Keep the bathroom mirror clean
• If you don’t want it shared, don’t say it, post it, or write it
• Never be afraid to call home or come home
• Wear your seatbelt
• Drive slower than you think you have to. You’ll notice more.
• If someone rides your bumper, let them pass
• Never engage in road rage
• Save money
• Never chase anyone, chase God and find a girl who chases God
• Never squeal your tires on purpose in a public place
• Say you’re sorry if you are but not just to smooth things over
• Ask people if they want to talk, you’ll be amazed when people open up
• If you say you’re going to pray for someone, do. Ask them later how they’re doing
• Compliment people, honestly and carefully, but freely
• Be organized
• Go to bed clean, you’ll sleep better
• Pray (you’ll sleep better)
• Keep a journal of things for which you’re thankful, even if it is simply a cup of coffee that morning
• Trust your instincts
• NEVER accept a ride from someone you don’t know
• Making someone else look bad, never makes you look good
• Keep a First-Aid kit and spare tire in your car
• Keep a phone charger in your car
• Arrive 15 minutes early to interviews and appointments
• If you need to correct someone, make sure you tell them something positive as well
• Research your heritage
• Shop around for the best deal on things
• Do your research before buying
• Keep letters and cards from people you care about. You’ll look over them again. I promise.
• Take long walks in parks, the woods, and on beaches
• Do karaoke
• Join a cause
• Read
• Keep a calendar
• When you feel like you’re drowning, your lifeguard walked on water
• Always walk to the door to pick up your date
• Always make sure whoever you are taking home is inside safe before you drive away
• Set healthy boundaries without apologies
• Keep a rein on your temper. You can’t unsay or undo.
• Know now how smart you are and do well in school. It’s really hard to go back
• Spend time with your grandparents while you can, and get to know their stories
• Find out how your grandparents met; how your parents met
• Be grateful for the little things, like a pillow to lay your head on at night, and soft blankets
• Keep your hair neat
• Make sure you smell nice
• Don’t wait until you’re really sick to go to the doctor, listen to your body
• Use good phone manners and talk with energy and a smile. People can feel it
• Keep your bathroom and kitchen clean
• Keep your home tidy enough that if anyone surprise visits you, you won’t be embarrassed
• Put down the electronic devices for a while
• Go horseback riding…. At least once
• Hug people
• Never assume things about people. Ask.
• Ask God for guidance and then listen
• Remember you are smarter than you realize
• You have a killer smile. Use it for good.
• Getting farther in life is a matter of simply doing
• We don’t quit
• Your mom will always believe in you
• You will always have a home to come to
• Live big
• Love bigger
• Forgive people, but never be a doormat to anyone
• Remember that you’re the King’s kid
• And on earth, you’re my boy...always

“Every single thing you do matters. You have been created as one of a kind.You have been created to make a difference. You have within you the power to change the world.”

~ Andy Andrews

I love you more than you can imagine,

Mom

Turning pages to new chapters,

Becky

August 22, 2016

Yellow Jackets and F-Bombs (Title by Liam)

So I've had writer's block for a while and although I write in my head all the time, I didn't for one second plan to be writing about our day today...that changed. Buckle up.

Today was a summer "free day". By that I mean there was truly nothing on my plate. The day began with a trip to the community pool, reading, even swimming some laps for good measure and so that I could say that I "swam some laps" because let's face it, any exercise counts in the summer. I cleaned up and decided I would run errands. "Run errands" in our family means we take the car out of the garage. I may be doing necessary things like running errands or I may be going to Target to look at swim goggles so that my super comfortable new contacts won't float out of my eyeballs when I SWIM LAPS. I'll leave the options open.

With the excitement of seeing a sweet friend in the Target parking lot and catching up with her, I didn't feel the buzzing of my phone in my purse.... apparently a lot. Once inside Target I pulled my phone from my luggage like purse to make sure nothing earth shattering had happened in the last 8 minutes. It had. There were 4 missed calls from my son within the last three minutes.

I really didn't think a lot of the missed calls at first. Did he want to go somewhere this week or do something and need my permission? Sonic? Again? He would have left a message, I would think. I called Mary, our family secretary who also happens to be my daughter. She informed me that Liam was "on the mountain at Granny and Papa's mowing their yard".

"Are they there, too?"

"No"

Calling Liam again and getting no response, I called Todd, the kids' dad. Nothing. Calling back and forth and getting nothing. Why? Why would Liam call, from the mountain, 4 times in a row? Out of gas? Car trouble? My inner Mom kicked in and while I believe we need to believe the best, being careful not to bring about any junk that we don't need, I had a feeling. If you've ever had a feeling I don't need to explain this to you... I just knew. Something wasn't right.

I was still in Target but superficially shopping around waiting to hear from one of them, sure that I looked like a probable lifter when my phone buzzed. Todd. Sigh. I answered with, "Hey! What's going on!?" Todd's voice wasn't his usual and I just knew and immediately began running for the door as the store swirled around me. "I'm headed to the E.R. Liam's having a reaction. He's driving down from the mountain...." I honestly don't remember all the interactions while I raced to my car and headed to the hospital. I do know I put my flashers on and to all the people in Madison at lunch time, I'm sorry.... but hell, you were between me and one of my children. Todd would say, "Please don't wreck, it'll be OK." To which I said, "I won't wreck because these people are gonna get the HELL out of my way!" and I meant it.

I prayed and my hands shook so hard while I tried to remember how to GET to the hospital, but the HARD part? FINDING THE FREAKING E.R.!!! Now, I'll ease your mind and say that all is well and Liam is fine now. He gave me the title for this. I wasn't so sure given, well, the title, but he said, "Well, that's what I shouted! And yes, I kept mowing even as my foot went numb..." Sounds about right.
And now let me get to the rest of the story....

For the love, who designed the parking garage and how you get to the ER? Liam, the one who was broken out in freaky hives and having a hard time breathing (that part was anxiety) who DROVE himself to the ER couldn't even figure it out and parked his sweet '88 Jeep Cherokee Grand Wagoneer in a loading zone and got out and RAN! When Todd arrived he asked someone if he had seen anyone (insert Liam's description) and they said, "No, but we saw a teenager running"... yeah, that'd be my son. RUNNING because he thought he was about to die. Good heavens! Todd found Liam before Liam found the ER entrance. Seriously. They went in through some back door and found some wonderful angel that had fallen from heaven. I think she was a supervising nurse. Anyhoo, this angel took one look at the leprosy-like being which was my son and got him in quickly, by wheelchair because Liam nearly passed out (again by then it was likely anxiety) and he was tended to.

Fast forwarding approximately 8 hours ....OK 30 minutes because that's how long it took me to figure out, and I quote, "Park on levels 1, 3, or 4... take the elevator down, come through the hallway, out the door, and take the sidewalk that will bring you right back here to the ER entrance". Yes. Really. I was a panicking mom. Did they NOT realize that it wasn't the time to give me detailed directions? I parked on level 2. TWO. I did not take the elevator, I took the stairs. To level 1. Then walked back up to level 2. Yes. Really. THEN read the signs. Took the elevator. Then asked directions. Then laughed a little because I knew God had this, I really did. I flew into the ER entrance (OK, I went through the metal detector) after mister "too tight uniform" cop at the door went through my bag and so preciously asked if I had any weapons in my purse. Um. No. Just the blazing lasers of my eyes burning a hole in you if you don't freaking LET ME GET TO MY SON!

Front desk. Guy on phone. Me trying to be patient and not let my crazy mom come through because.... cops at doors.

B17. "Your son is in B17.... it's through those double doors and.... " (I didn't hear the rest. I was off!)

 I took my sticker seriously. At first it was upside down on my shirt until I realized it... then it lived on my water bottle.



When I spotted Todd and Liam in B17 I ran into the room, flung my purse into the floor, and hugged him like he had just ridden his bicycle without training wheels for the first time. He mumbled that he was ok. What he didn't get was that I was not.

Seriously, he hung off the bed by about 5"

Of course I was glad that Todd was there with him. But I'm the mom. I've been there for everything, and even if I hadn't, he's my kid. I don't care if he's 6'3" and headed off to college soon. I don't care that as I looked at him sleeping sweetly after his Benedryl cocktail, my thoughts went to "Good grief he needs to shave... and get a haircut!" He's my little boy. It doesn't matter that he literally hung off the bed like 5 inches... really... He's my kid. He needed help. I couldn't make it better.

Incredibly grateful that the reactions Liam had to what we figure were yellow jacket stings, all fixable. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it was scary. He has reactions to things and the first time is the scariest because we don't know what's happening. After the Benedryl cocktail wore off and the hives were basically gone, we were cutting up a bit. He told me more of how he made it into the ER. We had to call back the registration lady because Liam said, "I have no idea what number I gave her for my SS #." Ah, so much fun. I can't figure why they don't just throw in a Valium Rx for the parents as a consolation prize.

The nurse and doctor at the ER were great. They really were. Liam had a serious nap and had a ton of freinds over tonight. Come to think of it, no different than other nights. And my summer "free day"? Silly silly me.

Ending this day with a tremendous amount of gratitude for great outcomes, our quirky sense of humor, Benedryl cocktails (Liam's not mine), and being able to watch my son sleep for a few hours, knowing he would be fine. Now... what will we plan for tomorrow? Plans? You ask? And God laughs....

5 hours and no hives later :)

Relieved,
Becky, a mom

Cammy Cam and Snapshots

I ran across a photo that was taken of me when I was in high school. I would post it here but I'm not sure you all could handle it. I looked, well, young...er. A lot. I looked scared. I'm not sure exactly what was going on in the picture but I was apparently caught off guard when it was taken, at least I hope so. I do have a "deer in headlights look" about me a lot of the time. It's kind of a funny picture and for whatever reason, I'll hang on to it. Maybe to show my kids that I really *did* have a life in high school... you know...back in the day... pre-kid.

As we moved to a new home a few months ago one of the boxes we went through had a ton of pictures in it. Some of the pictures were those of the "Olan Mills" staged type. You know what I'm talking about... In fact, here is one my sister Barb and our friend Teen were mockingly "Olan Mills"ing a few ago...



Please notice the posed shoulders, slightly twisted heads, poised hands and Teens "I'm a bit serious" look compared to Barb's "I'm all smiles" look. If you ever had an Olan Mills portrait taken, you know exactly of what I speak here!





I'll give you a real life Olan Mills portrait to go on, if you haven't. This is my family when we were... younger.

Again, please notice the poised hands, perfectly turned shoulders and tilted chins. Notice the "We're not that serious, and a tiny bit of fun" smiles on my parents faces and then the huge grins on ours because nay nay, our excitement cannot be contained!






Snapshots. These are snapshots. If you go into my or anyone else's Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media you'll see everyone's good hair, thin thigh, "Look at me! I always go mountain biking, sky diving, snow skiing, parasailing while feeding the dolphins" pictures.... Happy snapshots. But they are... snapshots.

I have a serious confession to make. I watch the Superbowl for the commercials. In fact last night I asked my brother-in-law, "Won't there be something with just the commercials on soon?" And he misunderstood and answered, "I'm sure there'll be a commercial-free showing of the game tomorrow or the next day..." I was flattered he thought I was that into the game (although I do love my Cam and I'll get on that tangent in a moment). I said, "Dear brother-in-law (ok, that's not what I really said) I think you misunderstood... I want JUST the commercials.... Just. the. commercials." I do love football, I do. The game was great, it was. But I live for laughter these days and football doesn't bring me a hearty chuckle, just a hearty-tack.

As I reached for my first reliable resource this morning, my phone, to see what the final score of the game was, I was disappointed to see all of the posts about Cam Newton walking off from the post game interview. Before you clock out and go home, please listen, or read. This isn't about Cam. Ok, well, maybe it is, a little. But this is about me. This is about you. This is about everyone.

I love Cammy Cam Cam. I do. Was last night's interview his shining moment? I think we can all agree without a lot of debate that no, it was not. But for heaven's sake can we please not let this snapshot in his life define him? Cam Newton has been known to do a tremendous amount of charity work. If you read up on him, his life, his actions, his usual demeanor, his actions last night were actually pretty out of character for him.

Snapshots. Ok, I'm gonna do it. I'm sorry in advance for the scariness.... here it is....

Please note that I apparently swam with mascara on and had to call my mother to tell her that I was still swimming and would be home soon. I was also modest. And still am. Yes really. And for you young whippersnappers, that was a phone. It connected to the wall with a windy cord. They were called house phones.



Bad snapshot. REALLY bad snapshot. I almost posted a snapshot that was actually a Wilkenson family photo we had taken shortly before our divorce. Not out of anything other than to show that sometimes a snapshot, a minute in time is not exactly what it appears at that time. Out of respect I didn't but I think you get the point.

This is heavy on my mind tonight for many reasons. I see so many posts with people so comfortable in the judgment seat, judging a snapshot of someone else's life. I just have to ask this question, If someone followed you around all day, everyday, with a camera whose shutter was on full speed and picked any given moment to stop that camera, pull that picture... what would they see? We have all had moments that were shining and we were *ON*. Those are great and we want the cameras there! But what about the times when we aren't so great? I can tell you that logging my daughter out of Google and remembering my password just before starting this entry was NOT a shining moment for me. Seriously. I hope the camera wasn't on this thing because honestly, I wasn't nice. We all have those moments when we hope no one is watching or listening because we really really blow it, at least for the moment. And if we aren't just blowing it, we certainly aren't at our best.

But aren't people in high status positions supposed to be role models? Yes. But they are real people. And what better people to teach our children that life isn't always perfect, "I don't always have a smile on my face", and "rainbows and unicorns don't dance around my head" than a real person? Why can't we have grace for others when they have a snapshot taken at their most real moment? Why take that moment and make it their legacy? Is that what we would want for ourselves? Heaven above not me! I cringe when I think of all the moments in my life that could be thrown out there for all the world to see and if those moments became my legacy? Really? No thank you! But that's what social media has done. It's time we use social media to show grace, not judgment.

With cell phone cameras at every event, all day every day, we really do see the best, worst and everything in between. We are so quick to judge what is going on from a snapshot or even a video, but do we really know? I'm pretty sure most of us know better. We love taking the focus off of ourselves though and pointing out fault in others.

Here's a challenge, if you think you aren't immune to putting your best out there and judging others' worst, the next time you get ready to post any pictures or videos of yourself on social media, don't edit anything. Just post the very first pictures you take. Don't retake. Don't edit. Don't photo shop. Or even worse, have your kids take pictures and videos of you and post those. Talk about being real.

The pictures I posted were kind of silly but I think you get the point I'm trying to make. Maybe while we all have moved into a picture perfect social media world, we can truly get back to grace for those moments that aren't so perfect. Those are the real moments anyway. To be honest, those are the moments I would like to get back to. Scary as they are.... mascara running down the face and all.

Photogenically yours,
Becky
February 8, 2016

To Tell Ya the Truth

If you ever want to know the truth about something, ask a biddy. Kids will tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not! Several years ago when I decided to try my hair in it's natural state for school one day, a biddy came up to me and asked, "What happened to your head? It looks like you were in a wreck!". If that wasn't enough, another biddy came up and rubbed a little salt in my wound by adding, "Yeah, a tornado wreck!". I'm not even sure what that meant, but I was pretty sure that wasn't a compliment. Kids will tell you when you look great, when you look tired, when they love your shoes, when they like your shirt, and when you have in two different earrings (don't ask, it had been a long morning apparently). Kids will tell the truth. I remember a professor one time telling us that kids lie to get out of trouble, not into trouble. Kids, for the most part, are brutally honest. 

Telling the truth isn't always easy. We have these little ways of candy-coating our lies, our fibs, our masks. Somewhere along the way we learn to skirt around the truth for various reasons; to please others, to keep from hurting others, to fool ourselves. The truth. Does anyone even know what that is? 

When you are in counseling you often hear and say things like, "Well, what is true for you may not be true for him" or "What is your truth?". There is a TON that could be said for all of this "truth" talk. We all have different truths, like it or not, we do. We are skewed by our beliefs, our experiences, our fears, our determinations. Our experiences shape what we see and how we see it.  

Believe it or not, this isn't about your truth or mine or who's is right or wrong or what. 

Really. 

So if you were looking for an argument. Look on. 

You're welcome. 

I was reading one of my devotionals recently and it talked about truths. Not in the sense of a lovely little biddy telling you that your clothes didn't particularly match or your own child making fun of the fact that you still had culottes in your closet, and how uncool that made you. But truth... telling the truth. About yourself. Being honest. Brutally. About. Yourself. YIKES. Let's just talk about my bad hair and wardrobe... Ok? 

To tell the truth. Ever hear someone start a sentence with that? "Well, to tell the truth..." I've heard it a thousand times at least. That, or "Want to know the truth?" (ummm yeah.... of course I do! No, wait, lie to me....) The truth. Talk about a word that is used and abused. 

So, I was challenged to tell the truth. It seemed easy enough until I started thinking about it. Telling the truth... How much truth should I tell? For heaven's sake the public can only handle so much! Will my mom be reading this? My kids? The truth? Really? It's not that easy. Telling the truth makes us incredibly vulnerable. It puts us on a level playing field with, well, everyone. We don't like that. Some of us seem to appreciate being a little higher and pious than others. I know. I've been there. But to tell you the truth, I've blown it time after time. There is no higher and pious for me. And now that I can tell myself the truth, I can sniff it out pretty easily. I don't call it out (but there are surely those who feel it is their place to put others in theirs. Are you being truthful if you make yourself the judge?). To tell the truth.... I want to be real to you, dear reader, because hiding behind a mask of, well, anything, is exhausting and is, in all honesty, a lie. 

So.... To tell ya the truth... 

My hair really does look like a tornado wreck. I can't help it. It's curly underneath and straight on top and I can't figure it out. I get self-conscious about it. I straighten it, let it go curly; it's getting gray now (sorry, it's getting natural platinum highlights) and I'm like "What the heck?" Because I can't figure when this all happened. 

The truth is I can't figure why I don't feel my age. I'm 46. I'm pausing for your shock. I know, right? I used to think 40+ was old. Dear sweet spring babies, it isn't. In fact, when you are in your 40's you are beginning to wonder what you want to do when you grow up. The middle age generation looks at you young whippersnappers and, well you may have the bodies we want, we have the minds and wisdom that we wouldn't trade for anything.  I was so smart back in the day. I was such a great mother and teacher when I started out teaching, and before I had kids. To all those I knew back then, I'm sorry. I get it now. Yeah, I know.

Truthfully, I am an enigma to myself. I don't understand why I am where I am in my life. In all the "plans" I had (plan A, plan B, plan C, etc) there wasn't a plan on my story board that looked like my life right now. How did that happen? How did I get here? I have been divorced for nearly 10 years. I am very content with myself and my life with my children. I never imagined I would be here. In all honesty, I would never have grown this much, come this far, and become who I am if I hadn't taken so much time to myself. And honestly, it was scary making myself take time alone. It was scary preferring to be alone on holidays than in a (not so great) relationship sometimes, but I learned that I was worth more than just settling for, and my kids were CERTAINLY worth more than that. Honestly, all the fear of being alone has paid off because I have raised two most amazing young people ever, made phenomenal friendships, and learned who I am in ways that I couldn't have if I had fearfully clung to those relationships that were not healthy. To tell the truth, I have never felt alone. 

To tell the truth, I have a terrible diet. I do try, but I prefer chips to fruit. I have to torture myself to make 'healthy' a choice. It is my professional opinion that pita chips (or on a casual night Cheez-Its) and chardonnay make a delightful dinner if the kids aren't here.

To tell the truth I am terrified of what I'll be like when my oldest goes off to school next year. My little family has been fantastic. We don't fight, yell, slam doors... we talk, laugh, get along wonderfully. While a far cry from perfect, we have found what works for us. But to tell you the truth, I am strangely excited and scared about finding our new normal. My daughter is aware that we will have to find our new niche as her big brother has been her best friend and buffer for years. Relationships aren't easy and moms and daughters are different, no matter how you slice it. It's wonderful, but different, and about to be just 'girl' in our house. Break out the popcorn and chick-flicks. I'm sure we'll be fine. 

To tell the truth my faith falters and I have tantrums at God like a toddler when he doesn't get a treat while checking out in line at Wal-Mart. I have a tremendous amount of patience. I really do go with the flow, but every now and then I look up at God and I'm like, "Really? What are you thinking? Did you just forget me? Am I not important down here anymore?" And I'll go through a series of reasons God should be listening to me; things I do or don't do that make me worth listening to.... then I realize I'm judging myself, for better or worse, which means I'm judging others, and I'll shut up. I figure things could be worse and I'll wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and take a nap. 

Another truth is that I can't stand to hear people smack food. My daughter says that I crunch sometimes, but that doesn't bother me, I can't hear it. I can't stand to hear smacky smack smack eating. Can't. Stand. It. 

Passive-aggressive competitive people really grate on my nerves. I am one. How's that for the truth? I am not always that way, but I have caught myself being totally hypocritical. I have to laugh at myself, but at least I can say that I blow it sometimes. I do. Totally. 

A harsh truth is, I want a re-do with 50% of my life. I suppose that's what life is all about? Learning and doing better next time. I want to have done better with my kids, my friendships, my job... dear heavens those kids I taught when I first began over twenty years ago! Bless! Bless! Please wipe their memory! Did I really say and do those stupid things? Yes! Heavens. I want to re-do some relationships. Some I would focus on more and to tell you the truth, there are others I would have terminated much earlier. Another truth is that I keep changing the % up there at the beginning of my paragraph :)

To tell the truth I would have started saving money a lot earlier, listening to what my mom told me, exercised a lot more, and cleaned out clutter. I would have asked my grandparents more about their past. Truthfully, I wasn't as interested as I should have been then, but now, I wish I knew more and I miss them.

To tell the truth I would have learned lot earlier in life to keep my mouth shut about things that aren't my business, to speak kindness into people who appear not to need it (they need it most), and to put myself in other people's shoes.  

To tell the truth I would have stopped trying to please people who don't really hold a lot of weight in my life, I would have stopped trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be and pursued my passions regardless of what anyone else thought. 

To tell ya the truth I would have started writing a long time ago and a lot more consistently. The fear of failure stares me down like I am it's only prey sometimes and I cower. And I hate it. And I struggle with it. But I am determined. 

Yesterday our Building Leadership Team went to a system wide meeting and the keynote speaker asked how many people had a blog. I was really shocked that more people did not. Writing is such a powerful outlet. He gave every excuse people give for not trying, for being afraid. I heard myself in those excuses. To tell you the truth this blog entry has been saved in my computer for over 2 weeks. It wasn't until I realized how many excuses I make to NOT publish, that I knew I needed to power through some of this fear and get back on to what I love doing. I want to not be afraid of what people think. I want to not be afraid of negative feedback and just write what I love. I want to touch the lives of others who may feel the same but aren't sure how to express it. I want my words to move lives. That's pretty big for my little blog, but to tell you the truth, that's my passion. 

Now, that didn't hurt so bad...

Truthfully,

Becky

November 4, 2015

Really?? Get real!

So I wrapped up the millions of (ok, the 3) things I had to do today and was scrolling through, oh, I don't know, let's say Pinterest. I enjoy reading the humor quotes, looking at decorating ideas, and occasionally realizing that I'm not alone in some of my sick, twisted sense of humor and wishful thinking on the housing decor.

As I scrolled, and as I have noticed more and more on social media, there were so many quotes and posts that were SO incredibly passive-aggressive, 'victim mentality'-ish, or for heaven's sake were 'trying' to be evasive. Now, I remember someone questioned me once regarding something I had posted and I was like, "Good heavens! That's a quote from (insert name of movie) I watched this weekend! It had nothing to do with me, I just thought it was a good thought!" So I GET where people put things that may be quasi pertinent to life, but not explicitly to theirs.

Here's my rant: (You're gonna have to hold on because I have to look for some of them. I accidentally ended up in Pins where apparently Johnny Cash said something about having coffee with someone. I don't know, but it just makes me like him more and I'm not a huge Cash fan, but we're talking coffee here! Oh, wait... ok....here we go) MY immediate thoughts will be parenthetical... big word, eh? Parenthetical. You're welcome. So, here are some quotes and here are some of my thoughts:

"You took away everything good that was left in me" (Except my keyboard, and I can type really crappy passive-aggressive posts that you will never read and I will die a lonely death... here...at my keyboard)

"The only people I owe my loyalty to are the ones who never made me question theirs" (Wow. Betcha got lied to or hurt, eh? I'm right, aren't I? You are the FIRST person that's ever happened to! Sorry!You're probably even hoping they read this are so, ever so sorry. They won't. Sorry!)

"I'm mature enough to forgive you, but not dumb enough to trust you again" (see above thought)

"Sorry I'm not perfect, but I'm not fake either" (I'm bettin' you're a teenager)

"Life was different this time last year" (yeah.... a year has passed. Big. Fat. Duh.)

"I'm not the girl that got away, I'm the one you failed to keep" (I understand this, I really do, but this really needs to have Dear________ from ________ on it. Get real! This is "to" someone!)

"My mouth says, I'm ok, my fingers text, I'm fine, My heart says, I'm broken" (I'm sorry for your pain, but get off Pinterest and call a counselor. This clearly is a cry for help)

"I sometimes miss people in my life, I wonder if they miss me, too?" (well, let's just ask people on social media! Oh, wait! If they miss you, you'll freakin' know!!!)

"If I said hello, who would say hello back?" (Do you place your value on the people who are on social media at this time? Please don't, dear Lord you're worth more than that!)

"You call it jealousy, I call it fear of losing you" (I saw Fatal Attraction 3 times. Run dude, run!)

Oh.... Here's a good one...."I wish I had the power to ignore you like you ignore me" (Who the hell posts this and thinks this may be effective? Like some guy or girl will read this and think, 'Babe! Wow! I didn't know! I love you so much! I'll never ignore you again....umm..... ummmm.... what's your name? Babe? Babe?')

And finally, because I hope you get the point here, "I will always be yours, even when you don't want me" (yes, yes this is a real quote. Someone actually thought this and WROTE IT DOWN! PERSON! GET A GRIP! GET SOME SELF-RESPECT!!!! Get THERAPY!

Reading these makes me sad a little. I realize we are a hurting world in need of love. We really are. I have posted some stupid *stuff* without realizing how it may sound. What gets me is when people post this stuff, or similar and then have the nerve to question 'why' anyone would ask them about it. Really?? Well, hell, today you posted that you hated your ex and last week y'all were in love. Yep, there'll be questions.

Get real. I've been on social media less and less lately. There isn't a lot of happy out there lately and that makes me sad. I will say that I DO love quotes, funny, inspiring, silly, and yes, sometimes sarcastic. But when something is clearly geared at someone, get real and have that conversation with them. Conversation and clearing up problems is a lost art. That's too bad really. How many issues could be cleared up if we all only get a little more real and less socially-medial (I think I may have created that word) passive-aggressive? Just some thoughts.... not so passively :)

Last quote "You will be my forever and always" (unless you drink my wine)
Becky
July 7, 2015

What I Choose

I assure you you won't have to hold your breath to read this. There is so much hate on social media right now that it absolutely breaks my heart and disgusts me with every fiber of my being. I have tried to avoid making any statements about things, but most of you know me and know keeping my mouth shut is darn near impossible, so here I go....

I did not choose to be born white. I did not choose to be born with blue eyes. I did not choose to be born to Neal and Mary Alice Douglas (I'm just one of the luckiest kids ever born to have them as my parents). I did not choose to be born in the richest, most beautiful country in the world. I did not choose to be 5'6". We won't talk about my choice in my weight or hair color at this point because this is my blog and I DO choose that much, okay?

We make choices every day but there are some we don't make. We are all clearly created differently. I'm glad. When kids come in to my office and talk about differences of any kind, I liken it to a box of crayons. How boring would it be if we wanted to color a picture and with excitement, opened a box of crayons and they were all the same? We were all created differently, on purpose, by Him, with love.

I choose what clothes I wear on a day to day basis, how to wear my hair, and what to eat. I really need to talk to myself about making better choices there, but how blessed are we that most of us live where we CAN choose these things? I choose to talk to my kids about things that are uncomfortable because I would rather us have an open forum than for them to be raised in 'ignorant' bliss, that isn't bliss at all. I choose what comes out of my mouth. Wait. I take that back. I USUALLY choose what comes out of my mouth. Sometimes I do have filter malfunctions and have to apologize or restate some things.

I have made some poor choices in my life. Really poor. I have hurt people with my actions and my words. But this is what I choose now. I choose to love people. I choose not to be a doormat to anyone, but I choose to REALLY love people. ALL people. I have learned that people who have been through hurt, hate, loss of spouses, children, freedom, and hope are the very people who have learned to fight for love and fight hard. I have learned that when we all step down off of our high horse (and I used to be on mine, too) we realize we're all just bumbling around down here trying figure this all out, the best we can, with the people we love.

When my son was little he was trying to describe a child in his class. He couldn't quiet figure out how to explain him to me. He finally said that his skin was kind of dark. Brown. I realized my kids really hadn't distinguished 'black' and 'white'. I was glad. I don't want them seeing people as a color, a race, straight, or homosexual. I want my children to see people as human. Human beings with hearts. I want them to love and love big.

I don't identify with liberal or conservative. I don't like political talk. What I do like is when we stop talking hate and start talking love. Positive. I realize there are bad things and bad people. But isn't it time we take ourselves out of the judgment seat? I'm not sure why we feel if we disagree on things it means we have to hate and to hurt. I choose not to engage in the craziness of what I'm seeing on social media. I choose to love my friends, all of them. If I read correctly, Christ died for us. All of us. He chose me. I choose to love and be grateful. It's easier and helps my blood pressure stay down. And now I choose to go get more coffee.

Choosing Love,
Becky
June 27, 2015