Some Years

Some Years

 

I have felt another blog coming on for a few days. I wasn’t sure how to approach this one since the New Year is nipping at our heels. Should I go with the “What I have learned” angle or the “What I will do differently in the future” angle? What *is* a girl to do? I decided to go with both. This blog is broken up into two parts. You’re smart, you can follow me here.

Of course I should start with what I have learned, but there isn’t enough time, space, or attention span for me to write all of that. A novel in and of itself that would be! Being that 2012 seemed to be a rather ‘stupid year’ I will simply fill you in on the biggies of what I learned this past year. Please keep in mind that this life-education didn’t simply take place in one year, rather the “Ah-Ha” moments took place. In other words, more than one time in my recent past have I been set up to learn these lessons, but the light bulb actually came on during this past year.

So, what did Becky learn? I’m glad you asked! I learned that I cannot fix people. “Really? But you’re a counselor, Becky.” You say. Yes, yes, I am. I even had someone have the unmitigated (or unmedicated) gall to say to me in an argument, “You’re the counselor, you figure this out!” (You may gasp). Counselors aren’t supposed to fix people. Counselors show people that they have the tools to help themselves. They enlighten, encourage, show options for solutions, etc. If necessary one may give advice, but believe it or not, we really aren’t supposed to.

Another life lesson this year has been that there is rarely, if ever, an exception to anyone’s rule. By that I mean that if someone is a perpetual victim or martyr and try to lead you to believe that somehow you are their saving grace; that you are different, well, quite frankly, you aren’t. In fact you should see the BIG RED FLAG and run fast, far, and do NOT look back! You shall surely be blamed for downfalls and shortcomings as well, I assure you. Perpetual victims and martyrs love their role too much to leave it, so finding a savior is not an option.

I have learned that tragedies happen. It doesn’t matter if you have months to prepare for the passing of a sick friend or you wake to find that one has passed from an accident, there is no ‘being ready’ for this.

Swapping roles from counselor to mom and back is a challenge for me. I have always worn my feelings on my sleeve. Being a counselor I have learned to mask that a little and toughen up (Mom always told me I needed a tougher skin… I think I finally got it) but now I have a hard time reminding myself that it’s ok to be sad, or cry, or just to talk to someone. I guess that sounds crazy, but it really is a challenge. Learning to balance….learning to balance J

I learned that I really love to run because it gets a lot of stress out. I won’t run marathons or participate in Iron Man competitions because I want to keep loving it. I won’t run another race on a hurt knee (insert “Duh”) But I will run because I love it. I need it. It suits me. When I run, I pray, or think, or both. Or neither.

I have learned to really, really value friendships. I have the honor of being friends with some of the most beautiful, self-less people that I hardly knew at all a year ago. Instead of listening to what ‘others say about others’ we can all find many wonderful things about each other!

 I learned that I love to write. Someone used to try to get me to take writing courses. Why?!?! I love to write. I understand that my writing could be better. I understand that it could certainly be fine-tuned. I also have seen so many people take exactly what they love and have it turned into something they hate because it becomes a chore. This isn’t a chore. This is something I love. I can really channel some thoughts here.

I truly cling to my children and thank God for them every day. I can’t believe they are mine. I have this Ah-Ha almost every day and I’m glad that I do. I am amazed that I have them. I, and I don’t think I have ever admitted this out loud, am afraid of losing them. I have friends who are amazing wonderful people who have lost their children. No one should lose a child. I don’t understand or pretend to know what to say to this. I can’t speak for God and won’t even try. It’s sad and horrible and it’s scary. So, truly, I cling to my children.  I’ll leave it at that.

Most importantly, my faith has grown in abundance this year. When I look back at this past year, there are so many things I could say that I wish hadn’t happened, but I would also have to say that because of these trials, I have grown tremendously. Getting to a place where you have nowhere to look but to God is most humbling. I have learned that the more I try to grow myself; God decides He’ll grow me up in a different way. His ways are best, honestly, and certainly He knows where I need growth. I also know that He never leaves me; He loves me as I am, no matter my situation. He knows me, He made me. He loves me, accepts me, wants me, no… craves me.

 

So what will I do differently? I’ll talk with God more. I’ll really talk with Him. I built a real relationship with God and it’s so hard to put into words, and so personal that I won’t even try to explain, but I’ll talk with Him more, and of course, listen… a LOT more.

I’ll try (really really hard) to stop judging. I am putting myself out here for attack now b/c you now know that I am judgmental. I don’t mean to be, but I am. I fervently pray that I see myself and others the way God sees us. I want to be more understanding, compassionate, loving. That does not involve becoming a doormat like I have been in the past. There is a huge difference in being a doormat and having boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries… I’ll have them. It’s healthy to have boundaries. You empower yourself when you set boundaries. I recommend the book Boundaries if you aren’t sure where to start with yours, but I know now that I have let too many people walk all over mine, and truth be told, I have overstepped others’ as well. Boundaries: Have your own. Respect others’.

This year I will try to laugh a lot more. I don’t know where my laughter went this past year, but I am determined to get it back! There were many times this year that didn’t warrant laughter, but there were times that did and I had to make myself lighten up. I want to find that again.

And although this isn’t by any means all, it’s all I’ll write about for now, I will remember that although I can’t, God can, and He lives in me. I can’t find the right words right now, but you can, God, and you live in me. I may not have the heart to forgive that person today, but you do, God, and you live in me. I don’t have the motivation to do more today, but you do, God, and you live in me. So while I may feel unable, unmotivated, unworthy… God is able, ready, and worthy and alive in me. I can’t. He can.

So, while I know I have many blessings to count, I am ready to count the end of 2012 as one of them. I welcome 2013 and all the wonderment it will bring. I welcome the growth (oops, I need to be careful), the laughter, the fun, the friendships. I welcome the new memories to make. I welcome God to take care of us and lighten our hearts.

I’d love to take this moment to thank you for reading my writings. Many of you are so encouraging and I thank you for that. Your words to me are taken seriously and dearly.

I welcome you to chime in on what you have learned and what you will do differently as well J

Blessings and love for a wonderful New Year!

Becky

December 30, 2012