A birth, a wedding, a death, and a tragedy

A birth, a marriage, a death, and a tragedy

 

My best friend Susan told me to write tonight. So I am. I can’t even begin to tell you what the last 5 days of emotion have been like for me and those around me. They have been, well, emotional.  A week ago I sat in church and looked at my precious, very pregnant friend Amanda discussing when her little Chloe would arrive. She was due on December 12, 2012; 12/12/12. And she came that day.

Another beautiful event on December 12, 2012 was the marriage of two friends from church. The wedding was beautiful and the union, the songs, the atmosphere had me and those around me full to over-flowing with love and excitement about what our God can do when we open our hearts.

In this beautiful circle of life comes the inevitable saying goodbye to those we love and care for as well. On Thursday evening my sweet neighbor, who is very much like another mom called to tell me that I needed to come say goodbye to her husband. You see, Mr. Ray had cancer for over four years. He fought and won the many different cancers that attacked his body time and again. This time was different. The days were very short and cruel. Within 3-4 days of knowing the cancer was in his liver and brain Mr. Ray went from being alert, walking, talking, etc. to being in and out of consciousness and having labored breathing. I walked into his room and touched his shoulder. He looked up at me. It was my chance to talk to him.

Rewind 36 years to a little girl whose father had cancer and she had no idea what that meant, how long he had, or that he would die; and to the young woman five months pregnant with her second child whose step-father, also diagnosed with cancer died, within three weeks of his diagnosis, when he sat down in the chair for his first chemotherapy. This girl wasn’t going to let another father go without letting him know how much she loved him, how much he meant to her and the kids.

With words muttered and tears dropping I said what I needed to say and heard a very meek “love you, too” back. It was all either of us needed from each other, but somehow, I wish there’d been more. Don’t we always?

I received the phone call the next morning and prepared all day for how I would tell my children. Following one of my lessons in a 5^th grade class a precious teacher called me over and showed me her computer. The shootings. The children. My mind went numb. I couldn’t cry. I went into counselor mode and began to prepare for how I would talk to my own kids about this. On my way back to my office I passed some first graders and without realizing it, I reached out squeezed one’s little shoulders and said “Hey, Sweetie… you have a great weekend… love you!” Or maybe I did realize it. I wanted to stop and hug every one of them. They looked smaller, sweeter. I suspect they will for a long time.

I left school a little early that day and picked up my daughter. When I called my son on his way home from school and told him about Mr. Ray I could have heard a pin drop. I think it was then that I finally gave myself permission to stop being a counselor and be a mom, be a neighbor, be a normal person.

Throughout the weekend I have struggled with this so much that I emailed my pastor about it. I think people who have a career out of making sure others are emotionally taken care of, have a difficult time allowing themselves to just let go and, well, grieve. In church this morning our pastor said it’s ok to be mad about things, God can handle that. I need to be. I am mad. I am mad that people that I love die. I am mad that sweet precious children are senselessly gunned down. I am mad that I have lost so much of my naivety and will never get it back. I’m mad that evil won’t give up. But please understand that I am not an angry person. I am hurt. If you are a counselor or have ever been to counseling, you know that hurt and anger go hand in hand. When you see one, look for the other.

But I’m also grateful. Yes. I said grateful. I am grateful that my friend had a beautiful little girl this week and can experience falling in love every day for the rest of her life. I am grateful that two friends from church got married this week and shared their joy with us and I have hope for that kind of love because of them! I am grateful that Mr. Ray watched over me while he was here and I have a feeling I now have 3 dads in heaven watching over me now (and it just may take all three!) It’s ok to laugh… We need to laugh. I’m grateful that I am awakened to what is important in my life. No, God doesn’t love evil and He didn’t will it, but I am watching at how our nation is pulling together to show evil that it can go back to hell. We are strong enough to love each other through this.

I am not Pollyanna. I am no longer very idealistic. I am real, but I am hopeful, and I am faithful. I refuse to give in even though I feel weak right now.

I told Susan tonight that I had to get all of this out somehow. Susan said “Write, Becky… God will fill up what you get out.” I hope she’s right.

Peace to all,

Becky

December 16, 2012