Use Your Words

I started with a totally different blog tonight. Don’t fret. I saved it for you to read when you had insomnia. So often my writings take such different turns than I intend and many times it’s with a quick event, happening, saying, or something that has me venturing off into never never land.

Tonight it was a post from a sweet young man that I have known for a long time asking if anyone ever had a crush on someone and was too shy to tell them. I said “YES! But it’s harder to wonder ‘what if’ if you don’t”. I am such a hypocrite. Now, I’m not lying when I say yes, of course, I have had a crush on someone and was too shy (yeah right) or afraid to tell them, but I live with a lot of “what ifs” that I wish I didn’t.

With the randomness of writing I think I’ll say some things to people here that I wish I had said along my life’s way. For those of you who are getting excited, don’t. I’m not putting names. That wouldn’t be fair. But there were many times in my life I wanted to say something and I wonder if anything would be different if I had. Not better or worse, just different. So here I go:

________________  you taught me that academics were a very small part of learning. You dared to speak to me about the hurtful things in my life and left school out of it. I learned more from you than I did from the book. Thank you.

________________ I loved you the best I knew how. I didn’t love myself. When I finally did, I realized love wasn’t what I thought it was in the first place.

________________ I’m sad that after a divorce, with small kids I was in a place where I allowed what you said cause me to be afraid of a God that I now know to be loving and forgiving. This kept me from serving in your church. I thank God that He isn’t at all like you.

_______________ I love you with my whole heart. I have cried. Prayed. Begged. Sat up late with you. I can no longer enable you to self-destruct. Sometimes love has to walk away for a while. You are an adult, it’s your choice.

_______________ I miss you every day. I want to ask you what I’m supposed to do. I want to ask your opinion on things. I want to sit with you and I want you to draw me pictures again. I want you here and I wish you didn’t have to go away so long ago.

_______________ the beautiful engraved bell and parfume you gave us at Christmas time after Daddy died meant more to us than you can possibly imagine. It was more than ‘gifts’… it was little girls remembered.

______________ you took us shopping to get our mom birthday gifts when we were little and had no dad.  I remember vividly. That took a lot of heart from you. Thank you!

_______________ when you told me what I an awesome teacher I was, I was there earlier and stayed later for a long time to be even ‘awesomer’ because you believed in me. Your trust in your teachers was what made you an exceptional leader. When you retired, I left, and it was never the same; but I took your lessons with me.

________________ I thought I knew what I was talking about, then I had my own. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Being a mother is hard. Being a single mother is heart-breaking sometimes. Forgive me.

________________ I wish you didn’t have to go live in ___. I would take you to live with me if I could. I almost called the guardian ad litem. You have no idea how much I want to adopt you and your brother so you didn’t have to leave here.

________________ You have no idea how much those little plastic Christmas forks and spoons meant that you mailed to my kids. I still have (a couple of) them. I say “So, what do you think we outta do now?” because you said it to your boys.  You taught me so much. I’m mad that ALS took your body. I’m sad you’re gone.

_________________ If you talk to people like they are dogs, don’t be surprised if they bite you.

_________________ thank you for trusting me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me how to be a friend. Thank you for unconditional love for so many years. Thank you that I never have to worry about where I am with you.

_________________ you saw the best in me when I saw a void space. You lifted me when I couldn’t see which way was up. You didn’t judge me. You taught me to love. Just love. Thank you.

_________________ you called me on the morning of my wedding. You said you wish Daddy was here to see it and how you missed him.  I remember that phone call, where I was, it was raining. Thank you for thinking of me and Daddy. I know you loved him too.

_________________ thank you for watching after us after Dad died. Thank you for putting a CB radio in our car so Mom could call someone if she needed to. Thank you for being Dad’s best friend. You were the first example of ‘best friends’ I had.

_________________ when you asked me to take you to the dr. I was honored because it meant you trusted me and I know it’s hard for you to ask for things.

_________________  I loved you. I don’t know why or how; it doesn’t make a single bit of sense but I did.

I wish I was brave, like the new song I love so much by Sara Bareilles, Brave. I wish I could let the words fall. I can’t. I’m cautious. I’m better, but cautious. Liam says I don’t have a filter which I think is funny because I’m thinking, “Son, you have NO idea!” I can’t figure what in the world I have saved by keeping words to myself. I don’t mean ugly words; we should keep those to ourselves. Kind words, loving words, risky words… we should put them out there! Really, what do we have to lose? That was why I told my young friend tonight my regret is not saying things. If you tell someone how you feel and it’s not reciprocated, what have you lost? Dignity? No! You spoke your heart!

 Do you know how brave you are to speak your heart? You have lost nothing. Nothing.  Ill feelings, hurtful feelings, maybe you should work through because you have to ask “How will this help?” and it probably won’t. But loving, thoughtful, risky feelings? Why not? Why not tell people what an impact they have made on your life? Why not let people know you love them? It doesn’t mean just romantically, love comes in many flavors!

I look at this way: At the end of my life will I be thinking “I wish I had…” or “I’m glad I…”

So, hold your head up, clear your throat… and speak your words.

Lovingly,

Becky

September 2, 2013