Over the past year or so I have really had a lot of light bulb moments, or ah-ha moments. This is a direct result of many, MANY meditations, prayers, quiet moments, readings and listening to others...well, and the occasional 'near car wreck'. Just sayin'. I went to a wedding last night and the gentleman who spoke read 1 Cor. 13 that is often read, "Love is patient, love is kind..." etc. I have always loved that scripture. In some of my readings and quiet moments it has occurred to me that love simply is. It just is.
What do I mean by that? Probably many of you are going "Duh, Beck, you are just now figuring this out?" What I mean by that is that there is an overwhelming sense of peace when you finally figure out that love can't be bought, earned, withheld, or bargained. If it is, it isn't love. Love can't be beaten into someone, forced, begged for, or kept away. Love is. It simply is. I do realize there are different kinds of love, but what I'm talking about is the love that God breathes in us when we are brought to this earth. We have some strange ways of being raised (not me in particular, but I see this in kids a lot) in that if we mess up, we won't be loved. If we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, can't prove ourselves worthy, don't look right, eat right, speak correctly, we won't be loved. It is really heart-breaking when you think about this horrifically warped sense of thinking because love just is. It IS. We don't have to earn it, it's there. It's here. God surrounds us with it and we don't have to go blindly through the maze of getting it all "right" to get our love sticker at the end. We HAVE it! Unconditionally!
Love is. God breathed love into us. I don't know about you but it is a relief to me to know that I don't have to go around proving myself worthy to be loved. Isn't it nice to know that when we make mistakes we just begin again and try to do better because we have faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of these IS love? I don't have to put expectations on myself or anyone else to love them. That only defines me, not them. By the way, the person that drives you totally nuts? The one that cut you off in traffic on your way to church this morning? The one that got the promotion instead of you? God loves them, too.
Allowing yourself to be loved means that you stop judging yourself. You stop judging others. You begin to see others the way that God sees them. You say, "Wait just a damn minute, now! That means I have to forgive him/her for offending me 23 years ago!" Yep, you do. That doesn't mean you become a door mat or put yourself in someone's wrathful path, it means you let go. You let go of anger, pain, the past. You surround yourself with God and His light and love and you realize how many times He has forgiven you. You pray to see others the way He sees them and you realize there is no room for anything but love. A certain peace begins to settle in and you crave it with every fiber of your being. You crave for everyone in your life to feel this peace, this overwhelming love that God brings. It is an experience. It isn't a book or lecture or blog. It's an experience....It's an ah-ha moment, a light bulb moment. Thank you for letting me share mine.
LOVE,
Becky :)
June 23, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
June 13, 1976
Years ago, in my 20's, I was in counseling with a wonderful woman who was helping me get through some tough things. I told her that in the spring I get a certain restlessness, an itch. It's not spring fever, I told her, it's hard to explain, it's more like I'm trying to be so crazy, so busy I'm avoiding something. She smiled a slight smile and asked me what, traumatic or life changing event may have happened at some point when I was young, in the springtime, perhaps. I remember tears filling my eyes immediately. A light bulb came on. I could barely whisper out the words. "My dad got sick. He died."
Dad was diagnosed in April of '76 and died about two months later. I have strange memories of those days, some very specific ones. If you ask anyone who knows me well, I have a very detailed, very specific memory. My heart took a lot of pictures.
June 13, 1976 was the day I realized my mom had big blue eyes. Our house was filling with people for some reason. A six year old girl didn't ask a lot of questions of adults during this time, I just knew people were coming and they were bringing food and talking in low voices. I wondered why they were there. Why they were sad and looking at us like that. Mom was coming home. She'd tell me. My older sister and I were in our room. My mom and my uncle came in and my mom's eyes were huge and bright blue with a little red around the blue. I know now when blue/green eyed people cry their eyes get really bright. I remember her eyes more than anything that day. I remember her telling us Dad had died and we jumped off our beds onto her like rhesus monkeys. I don't remember the next couple of days.
In the church we sang "How Great Thou Art" and I still have a hard time singing that song without getting a lump in my throat. I remember turning around and seeing the Gilliam family behind me. I remember my cousin Bobby reading "The Five Chinese Brothers" to me in the back seat of our car on the way to the burial. The burial was strange and I imagine my mom's heart broke especially hard when I tried to tell her I heard Dad try to get out of the casket (the wind was blowing it up against the dirt walls before it was lowered) and she had to explain to me that he was indeed, not alive, it was just the wind.
That was the last memory I have of that day and for a lot of days. But I began new memories of the strength of a woman. I learned that my mom is probably one of the strongest women I will ever know. She had three little girls and went back to school to get her Realtor license. She still went to PTA meetings, church, activities, etc. She surrounded herself with our neighborhood friends. She gave us the memory of Sunday night popcorn, hot chocolate, "Alice" on TV nights in the playroom.
My mom lost her beloved, her best friend. Daddy and she laid a good foundation though. We all went to college and we have all stayed very close. Mom used to say that some strange unforeseen force sewed us together at the hip when Dad died. Maybe. Or maybe Mom showed us how family stays together no matter what trials and hurts we go through or even put each other through. We are family.
Since realizing that I was somehow avoiding thinking about that time in my life, each year now I allow myself to think about it. But I don't dwell on Dad's death. Why? I think about his life and how he, along with his beloved wife had it made for 14 short years. I think about how he would draw pictures for me and make me "cooler coffee" (mostly milk and sugar). I think about me "helping" him in the garage. I think about the positive. I don't go to Dad's grave very often. He isn't there. In fact he told Mom not to go or take flowers because that's not where he would be. Dad knew he would be with God. I allow myself to think about the positive things, the fun things. I allow myself to think about how Dad would be proud of all us, but especially of Mom.
It really stinks losing a parent at any age, but especially a young age. Now when June 13 rolls around I celebrate my best friend's birthday. Funny, it's the same day.
Life and death. It is a circle and we know that. Nothing really prepares us I will never tell anyone else how to handle grief, ever. It's too personal. I will tell you that for me, I have learned to look at a life worth celebrating, at all the lives touched that are stronger, at memories to be smiled at and cherished, even laughed about. Myself? I strive to leave the world better, my children happier, and echoes of laughter while taking lots of heart pictures along the way.
Dad was diagnosed in April of '76 and died about two months later. I have strange memories of those days, some very specific ones. If you ask anyone who knows me well, I have a very detailed, very specific memory. My heart took a lot of pictures.
June 13, 1976 was the day I realized my mom had big blue eyes. Our house was filling with people for some reason. A six year old girl didn't ask a lot of questions of adults during this time, I just knew people were coming and they were bringing food and talking in low voices. I wondered why they were there. Why they were sad and looking at us like that. Mom was coming home. She'd tell me. My older sister and I were in our room. My mom and my uncle came in and my mom's eyes were huge and bright blue with a little red around the blue. I know now when blue/green eyed people cry their eyes get really bright. I remember her eyes more than anything that day. I remember her telling us Dad had died and we jumped off our beds onto her like rhesus monkeys. I don't remember the next couple of days.
In the church we sang "How Great Thou Art" and I still have a hard time singing that song without getting a lump in my throat. I remember turning around and seeing the Gilliam family behind me. I remember my cousin Bobby reading "The Five Chinese Brothers" to me in the back seat of our car on the way to the burial. The burial was strange and I imagine my mom's heart broke especially hard when I tried to tell her I heard Dad try to get out of the casket (the wind was blowing it up against the dirt walls before it was lowered) and she had to explain to me that he was indeed, not alive, it was just the wind.
That was the last memory I have of that day and for a lot of days. But I began new memories of the strength of a woman. I learned that my mom is probably one of the strongest women I will ever know. She had three little girls and went back to school to get her Realtor license. She still went to PTA meetings, church, activities, etc. She surrounded herself with our neighborhood friends. She gave us the memory of Sunday night popcorn, hot chocolate, "Alice" on TV nights in the playroom.
My mom lost her beloved, her best friend. Daddy and she laid a good foundation though. We all went to college and we have all stayed very close. Mom used to say that some strange unforeseen force sewed us together at the hip when Dad died. Maybe. Or maybe Mom showed us how family stays together no matter what trials and hurts we go through or even put each other through. We are family.
Since realizing that I was somehow avoiding thinking about that time in my life, each year now I allow myself to think about it. But I don't dwell on Dad's death. Why? I think about his life and how he, along with his beloved wife had it made for 14 short years. I think about how he would draw pictures for me and make me "cooler coffee" (mostly milk and sugar). I think about me "helping" him in the garage. I think about the positive. I don't go to Dad's grave very often. He isn't there. In fact he told Mom not to go or take flowers because that's not where he would be. Dad knew he would be with God. I allow myself to think about the positive things, the fun things. I allow myself to think about how Dad would be proud of all us, but especially of Mom.
It really stinks losing a parent at any age, but especially a young age. Now when June 13 rolls around I celebrate my best friend's birthday. Funny, it's the same day.
Life and death. It is a circle and we know that. Nothing really prepares us I will never tell anyone else how to handle grief, ever. It's too personal. I will tell you that for me, I have learned to look at a life worth celebrating, at all the lives touched that are stronger, at memories to be smiled at and cherished, even laughed about. Myself? I strive to leave the world better, my children happier, and echoes of laughter while taking lots of heart pictures along the way.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
What if?
The
Extra Penny
~
What If? ~
When I lived in
Virginia I had a t-shirt that read at the top “What if…” and had a long line of
really cool what-ifs. Many of the what-ifs could actually happen while some of
the what-ifs were impossible, like, “what if dolphins could talk?” I think that’d
be really cool myself, but you get the point.
I have thought a
lot about what if lately. We all hear “What would you do if you knew you
wouldn't fail?” To lead into this you
should know that I am a very peaceful, down-to-earth person. I do like to think about the what-if’s that
could be real. Given that I am really ready to be real with everyone (and you
will read that in this blog), I think I’ll throw out some what if’s for your
consideration.
I would do a
million things, but let’s get real. Here we go with my own What If’s…
What if? If I knew I wouldn't
fail? I would write the book I know I want to write. The problem is that I don’t
know what kind of book I would write or to what audience. I think I would write
to you, about life, about what is good, not so good, trying to make you laugh,
think, reflect, etc. The problem is I am afraid of failure. What if? What if I
really became a motivational speaker and taught young ladies the crucial
importance of respecting themselves and insisting that others respect them.
What if I really talked to members of my family who didn't have faith in God,
about God and his amazing grace? I would tell them how He isn't the same god we
were so afraid of while we were growing up, rather, a God of grace and
forgiveness, and love. What if I could tell people that I love, that I really
love them with no expectations of reciprocation? Just tell them because I do.
What if I did that?
What If… I
couldn't fail… I would try comedy maybe. I would run a half-marathon, or a
marathon even. I have discovered that I don’t want to do distance runs though,
I love short runs… so maybe I would just keep ‘happy running’. I would
decorate! I love decorating! I would find out more about my background…. My
father… his family.
What about you?
What if? What if you made that phone call today? What if you forgave the
unforgivable? What if you visited the person you *think* doesn't want to see
you? What if you laughed a little more? What if you laughed out loud in private?
What if you looked at yourself in the mirror and told yourself you are
beautiful? What if you are walking with your child, no matter how old, and you
took their hand to hold? What if you called someone just to say I’m thinking about you?
Not text, call? What if you laughed at something you think you should be mad
about? What if you hugged a stranger? (be careful!) What if you tipped extra big or
left a kind note for a wait person? What if you sent a card to someone you
hardly knew just letting them know you had them in your thoughts? What if? What if you go WAY out on a limb? It could turn your life around. It could. You don’t
know. Someone may be waiting to hear from you.
Someone may love you back. Someone may miss you or may just need to hear a kind
word today. Someone may want to hold your hand. Your child may want to hold
your hand. What if?
And what if
dolphins could talk? I think they know secrets. I think they would tell us to
live big, HUGE! Fearless. What do you have to lose?
What if?
Peace and love,
Becky
June 12, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Looking Forward
Before reading this please realize that I can't really take credit for original ideas. I know, I know you WANT to give me full credit, but so much of what I am about to write is a compilation of things I've heard, read, thought, discussed, dreamed, made-up, who knows... but here I go (btw, I've probably written all of this before but lucky for you I have little memory).
When kids get into arguments, they fight, get nasty, get over it, and forget it pretty quickly. Why? Why not!? They have games to play, Kool-Aid to drink! Cookies to eat! There is daylight and it's a wastin' who has time to be mad?! What do we do as adults? At least many of us? We hold on to pain and anger like it's our best friend, our most comfortable robe, our blankie.
Over the last year I have learned and am still learning the art of looking forward. We use that term a lot don't we? "I'm looking forward to seeing you!" "I'm looking forward to it!" My question is this: How can we look forward if we're constantly looking backwards? How can we possibly be open to what is in store if we refuse to put down what is already done? How can God place something new and wonderful in our hands if our hands are full of what already happened that we can't change, simply because we refuse to let it go? How? He can't. We can't. We absolutely, positively can not. We. Can. Not.
I have been the chief of sinners when it has come to holding on to things in the past. I cherished my pain and hurt because they were familiar, they kept me company when I was alone, and I already knew what feelings they brought on. I knew them. I knew them well. No surprises. A horrible, stupid comfort zone, but a comfort zone no less. But my God, My God, He has so much more in store for me and I had to learn to let go. I HAD to learn to stop looking back. I had to let go. I had to look forward. What did this mean?
I had to forgive. I had to forgive the situations, the people, everything that had caused hurt and pain in my life. I had to forgive myself for believing I deserved to stay stuck there. I had to forgive myself and know, KNOW that God wanted more for me. I want more for my children, isn't God bigger than we are? Isn't God bigger than our past? Yes. YES. The forgiving process sucks. It's hard. I backslid. A LOT. I still do sometimes. But I can tell you this, there is nothing more freeing than when you finally let go. That's all. You let go. You realize that most people do the best they can, when they can, where they are. You give people a break. You give yourself a break. You relax. You live. You laugh more. You forgive. And you look forward. And you pray. A lot!
I had to start praying for more. Not more things. I don't put my value there, but praying to see more. I pray to see God everyday. I pray to represent God and not myself. I look forward to what He is going to show me everyday. When you are excited to see what miracles He may bring today, you don't have time to think about the screw-ups of yesterday. Remember? You've already forgiven them and learned from them. You may even laugh about them, but they are gone. You learn, you look forward. "Good morning, God! What's on the agenda today?"
You, I, we can not change anything that has happened. That sounds so simplistic doesn't it? We. Can. Not. Change. What. Has. Happened. I typed that like that so you would read it slowly (go back and read it slowly). We absolutely positively can not go backwards. But are constantly going forward. So we look forward. We look forward to making someone's day. We look forward to doing better. We look forward to being kinder, making better choices, choosing happiness and excitement about our lives.
We are human. We are strange and funny creatures. We make mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. But we are lovable. We deserve God's love because God created us. Why would He create something that didn't deserve love? He wouldn't. So stop looking backwards at things that can not be changed and look forward to all the awesomeness that He wants to bring in to your life. He can not put anything in until you get rid of yesterday, that's up to you.
You know looking forward is exciting. I love surprises. God is full of them. This morning I was surprised to hear some serious banging in my house in the chimney. I'm pretty sure my house isn't haunted. I'm pretty sure there's a bird in there. I'm looking forward to it leaving. :)
Peace and blessings,
Becky
June 11, 2013
When kids get into arguments, they fight, get nasty, get over it, and forget it pretty quickly. Why? Why not!? They have games to play, Kool-Aid to drink! Cookies to eat! There is daylight and it's a wastin' who has time to be mad?! What do we do as adults? At least many of us? We hold on to pain and anger like it's our best friend, our most comfortable robe, our blankie.
Over the last year I have learned and am still learning the art of looking forward. We use that term a lot don't we? "I'm looking forward to seeing you!" "I'm looking forward to it!" My question is this: How can we look forward if we're constantly looking backwards? How can we possibly be open to what is in store if we refuse to put down what is already done? How can God place something new and wonderful in our hands if our hands are full of what already happened that we can't change, simply because we refuse to let it go? How? He can't. We can't. We absolutely, positively can not. We. Can. Not.
I have been the chief of sinners when it has come to holding on to things in the past. I cherished my pain and hurt because they were familiar, they kept me company when I was alone, and I already knew what feelings they brought on. I knew them. I knew them well. No surprises. A horrible, stupid comfort zone, but a comfort zone no less. But my God, My God, He has so much more in store for me and I had to learn to let go. I HAD to learn to stop looking back. I had to let go. I had to look forward. What did this mean?
I had to forgive. I had to forgive the situations, the people, everything that had caused hurt and pain in my life. I had to forgive myself for believing I deserved to stay stuck there. I had to forgive myself and know, KNOW that God wanted more for me. I want more for my children, isn't God bigger than we are? Isn't God bigger than our past? Yes. YES. The forgiving process sucks. It's hard. I backslid. A LOT. I still do sometimes. But I can tell you this, there is nothing more freeing than when you finally let go. That's all. You let go. You realize that most people do the best they can, when they can, where they are. You give people a break. You give yourself a break. You relax. You live. You laugh more. You forgive. And you look forward. And you pray. A lot!
I had to start praying for more. Not more things. I don't put my value there, but praying to see more. I pray to see God everyday. I pray to represent God and not myself. I look forward to what He is going to show me everyday. When you are excited to see what miracles He may bring today, you don't have time to think about the screw-ups of yesterday. Remember? You've already forgiven them and learned from them. You may even laugh about them, but they are gone. You learn, you look forward. "Good morning, God! What's on the agenda today?"
You, I, we can not change anything that has happened. That sounds so simplistic doesn't it? We. Can. Not. Change. What. Has. Happened. I typed that like that so you would read it slowly (go back and read it slowly). We absolutely positively can not go backwards. But are constantly going forward. So we look forward. We look forward to making someone's day. We look forward to doing better. We look forward to being kinder, making better choices, choosing happiness and excitement about our lives.
We are human. We are strange and funny creatures. We make mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. But we are lovable. We deserve God's love because God created us. Why would He create something that didn't deserve love? He wouldn't. So stop looking backwards at things that can not be changed and look forward to all the awesomeness that He wants to bring in to your life. He can not put anything in until you get rid of yesterday, that's up to you.
You know looking forward is exciting. I love surprises. God is full of them. This morning I was surprised to hear some serious banging in my house in the chimney. I'm pretty sure my house isn't haunted. I'm pretty sure there's a bird in there. I'm looking forward to it leaving. :)
Peace and blessings,
Becky
June 11, 2013
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