Goodbye 2013 ~ You taught me well… or not so much, I’m not sure.

Goodbye 2013 ~ You taught me well… or not so much, I’m not sure.

                I’m not a big “Hate to see you go!” kind of girl when it comes to chiming out the old and bringing in the new, especially as it comes to a new year. In fact I sometimes have New Year’s Eve plans and sometimes I don’t. I rarely stay awake until midnight because my body is stupid and wakes at 4:30 a.m. no matter what the previous night has held.  I tend to be one of those annoying perky morning people. At least that’s what my kids tell me.

                As 2013 comes to a close I thought I would teach a lesson on New Year’s Resolutions, or “reservations” as some of my students called it. Now that I think about it, there are definitely reservations about making resolutions. I haven’t always made resolutions and I don’t really like to; they just give me something to think about quitting. I used to jokingly give up drugs or smoking because I never do those things so they were easy. Seriously though, while teaching my little lesson on resolutions I simply connected it to making goals to being a better person; making them do-able, measurable, specific, and being accountable to someone who could help you if you needed the help. I felt like a total hypocrite because I can’t remember the last resolution that I specifically made that I kept.

                I told my students that with each New Year I envision that by the time the year closes, my life will look totally different. And then I ask “And do you think it does?” and as if on cue they all ring out, “YES!” and I shout back loudly, “NO!”. This makes them giggle. But I follow it up with something at first even I found myself proud to say. “My life may not look that different, but *I* am surely different.”

                This doesn’t require much explanation to you, I know, and I have so many very deep, precious students that understand as well, although I did explain how we all continue to grow, no matter our age; but the words felt good coming out of my mouth. “I am surely different”.

                Never will I be so bold or stupid enough to say that I have it all figured out. Never will I again pray for patience, either, but I am continually amazed at the way that I grow each year. It really isn’t in ways that I think I will; eating less potato chips, running more, planning ahead, keeping my desk clean at work so that I can find that note regarding that important phone call, or even remembering to change the air filters before they get totally nasty. I always grow in ways that make me roll my eyes at God and say, “Oh THAT’S what you were trying to tell me?? Couldn’t we have done this in a simpler way??” But I am never, ever disappointed. I think that’s how God works. He shows us what we need, not what we think we need.

                So some valuable lessons I learned in 2013 that I think God should have just sent a quick note, but I probably wouldn’t have learned them so well:

I learned that I don’t have to neglect taking care of myself to make sure everyone else is cared for. In fact, by doing so I had nothing left for anyone. By taking time for myself and pampering myself a little, I feel great and am ready to be ‘on’ for whatever and whomever might need me.

I learned that my intuition about things, people, and situations is usually pretty spot-on. I really can save myself a lot of time here by listening to myself and not trying to make things something they aren’t. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice. Listen up, woman!

Speaking of disappointment, I learned that even good people are human and will unknowingly and unintentionally disappoint us. Compassion is necessary, forgiveness a must.  I have been forgiven for disappointing many, myself.

I have learned that I truly am content with myself and my situation. It’s funny that society seems to think we are supposed to be paired to be happy. I do sometimes long for companionship, and pray that it is done in only a way that God is in the center, and I have actively searched for that, but I have stepped back and realized I have a pretty sweet deal here! I have amazing kids who are independent and well-mannered. I have a nice home and can pay my own bills and take care of us. I clean up after myself. That’s it. Myself. Hmmm not too shabby!

Speaking of kids, I realize that by NOT being able to give my kids everything they want, I have actually done them a huge favor. My kids are respectful, they work hard, we talk about everything (I swear Liam wants to talk about things more than I do, if you can believe that!), they do their own laundry, and they can both (sort-of) cook! Well, you have to give them a break; their example of a chef is pretty minimal. I learned that life’s tough lessons actually teach us the true value of life itself; love, communication, laughter, family.

I learned that being alone is absolutely different than being lonely. The demands of my job and raising kids have taught this social butterfly that alone, quiet time is something to be cherished.

I learned that prayers do not have to sound like Chevy Chase in Vacation. I never really thought that, but I used to pray formally, at least until a couple of years ago. My talks, my communication with God have become rather informal and I love that. I feel like, no, I know He really is my heavenly dad and I talk to Him like such. I know that He can handle that my faith in Him, and whatever it is He is up to, seems to waiver sometimes. I know He can handle that I sometimes get angry and impatient. I know that because He created me, He knows what I am made of and values every bit of me.

I learned that other peoples’ decisions, thoughts, choices, and opinions have nothing to do with me. Now this was a hard one! We all tend to take things personally and I have been the chief of all sinners where this is concerned, but over time I realize (and this is ongoing) that other peoples’ stuff is their stuff. Not mine, not even if they try to make it mine, or convince me that it is because of me. It’s theirs; their choice, their life, their mind, their opinion. Not mine. It’s truly a relief when that sinks in.

I learned that I will not go without coffee. Don’t ask. It wasn’t pretty.

I learned that when someone says “That’s just what I heard” to totally dismiss whatever they just said.

I learned my kids watch everything I do and listen to most of what I say, contrary to what I have thought.

I learned it’s quicker to do what I’m dreading than to sit around dreading it.

I learned that most people are good and decent people, but there are people who will gladly take advantage if you let them. I can love… from a distance.

I learned to say “no” or “not now” and mean it without feeling guilty.

Finally, I learned that when something is on my heart or in my head I need to write it and do it quickly. I love to write, and let’s face it, it’s cheaper than therapy!

Bring it 2014! I just KNOW my life will look totally different by the end of next year. Or not. But I know I surely will be J

Happy New Year and Goodbye 2013! You will be remembered, but not missed J

Becky Wilkenson

December 28, 2013

Give Us Back Our Schools

My heart is heavy this morning as I watch the news to see yet another school shooting. The intended target? A teacher.  Recently there was a young teacher murdered after school by a student she was staying to help. I have refrained from writing what I am going to write here because I don’t know how it is going to come out of my fingertips, and I don’t know exactly how you, my reader, will take this, but I feel compelled to write at this point. When I feel so strongly to let my words flow, I have to let them flow.

Dammit, give us back our schools! Over the last few years there have been countless reports of parents high-tailing it to the schools with threats because their child wasn’t treated the way they thought they needed to be, suspended for this reason or that. There are bomb threats from kids AND parents. Teachers, administrators, and counselors have to look over their shoulders at all times for what? Doing their jobs!

Educators make little money and get little respect because they believe in the future of the children and for the record, the children aren’t the future, they are now. They are the present, they are making choices now that will affect them forever and educators are helping to mold and make their ‘now choices’ to help them become who they become. I understand parents work, they are busy, they trust (some of them) that educators know what they are doing, but dear God, let us do our jobs!

We have training, LOTS of training, most of us have multiple degrees and we must, yes we must continue our professional development to maintain our certification. We know what we are doing and for the most part most of us do it well! Do you go to the Dr.’s office and tell the doctor exactly what procedures to do, how to do it, tell him your diagnosis, and how to treat you? Probably not. So please trust that educators know the curriculum, how to handle situations for the best of all the children, and the correct protocol for procedures.

I say this because I am tired of children being raised with a sense of entitlement. Entitlement is the ultimate form of neglect. When children come to school with a sense of entitlement, as though somehow they should be treated differently and rules don’t apply to them; that mom or dad can “get them out of this”, we aren’t teaching them problem solving skills. We aren’t teaching them that, no indeed, life isn’t fair and we all have to adjust to that. We aren’t teaching them to respect authority. We aren’t teaching them that sometimes we may or may not like or agree with everyone with whom we come in contact, but we must learn to respect each other and work together. When children come to school with a sense of entitlement they don’t understand that the adults in their lives really do work together to pave the way for their future and they quickly learn to “play” adults against each other. And when parents step in and tell educators how to do their jobs, they are modeling the ultimate disrespect for authority. Do you think kids will respect the very people who disrespect authority? Absolutely not! They are being taught not to!

Give us back our schools. We work hard to make schools safe, warm, happy places to learn. We work hard to make sure that kids love coming to school and get everything they need and more. When students leave little notes for teachers, administrators, counselors, and other staff it means more to us than you can possibly imagine! We aren’t babysitters and we aren’t a juvenile correctional facility. We are educators. We educate. We comfort. And we do it because we love the kids, we want them to get the best education possible in a warm and loving environment, and we know what we’re doing.  Children definitely deserve the best education available and we want to provide it. But know this; they are not entitled to anything worth killing for.

Becky Wilkenson

December 14, 2013

10 Things for My Single Guy Friends to Know About Dating Single Moms

10 Things for My Single Guy Friends to Know About Dating Single Moms

1.      Single moms are still women. Under all of the fundraising papers, dirty sports uniforms, and the robe that is older than her eldest child is someone who wants to be seen as a woman; as beautiful, sensual, glamorous, strong, independent, and exciting. She wishes she DID have time for that 3 mile run in those 20 minutes she has that one day per week, but darn at the homework! Mention that you see the positive things in her after you wipe the chicken nugget crumbs off her shoulder.

2.      Single moms don’t have time for your insecurity. It’s nice to get little messages on occasion, but when we are balancing 8 grocery bags, a cup of coffee, shutting the car door with our boot (the good pair), while yelling to remind the kids that we have 20 min. for dinner then we’re off to youth group, we don’t have time to respond to a text message that just says “Hi”. It seems as though you are crouched in the corner of a dark room waving your hand begging for attention. I know that sounds harsh, but throw something in like “I know you’re busy, but I just wanted to say hey! Have a great evening!” and we’ll know you aren’t just sitting there waiting for a response.

3.      Single moms, at least single moms that will be around for a while aren’t interested in all your money and things. If you are trying to woo a girl with what you’ve done, have, your money, or your toys then go ahead and get a bank account in her name and save yourself some time because that’s what you’ll end up doing in the long run. And is that really the girl you want? If you really want to woo us, let us get to know YOU. Let us know that you’ll be around and that you are worth our time.

4.      Single moms are busy but we will make time for the people and things that are important. If it’s a lunch date, a coffee date, or if you are worth scheduling time every other weekend, if you are important we will make time for you. Please understand that the most important people are the ones we are raising, but we still enjoy having a ‘life outside of our life’ and when and if the time comes, the two of you shall meet.

5.      Single moms are amazingly intuitive and strong. Our BS meters are pretty keen. If you say one thing and mean another, we pretty much have that figured out before the last word is out of your mouth.  Respect us enough to be honest. If you like us, great! If you aren’t interested, not a problem. Don’t waste our time or yours, but at least be honest. Yes, we really can be just friends.

6.      If you can’t watch your mouth or your actions, you don’t have a shot with a single mom. We want to trust you around our kids and our moms. And believe me, our kids tell our moms everything! Seriously! So if we are nervous about taking you home to our kids, it’s probably not going anywhere. And don't forget the way you talk about your ex, your mom, your kids, and the way you treat the wait staff speaks volumes about your character.

7.      Single moms are not looking to raise another child. Don’t get me wrong, I would welcome any good man who had children, but I am not going to raise a man child. By that I mean I am not looking for a man to take care of. There is something incredibly sexy about a man who is already happy, emotionally healthy, and is perfectly capable of doing his own laundry, paying his own bills, and keeping his place clean.

8.      Many single moms have been through a lot and surely may have baggage, and hopefully have learned to let it go or at least deal with it. But single moms don’t need to pick up any more unnecessary baggage. We don’t need any more bitterness, anger, distrust, etc. in any relationship. Please don’t come to her to heal you. She already has a lot on her plate.

9.      Single moms are not too busy to have fun. Most want, need, and look forward to their friend time, family time, and can cut loose and be silly when needed. And our kids secretly love it.

10.   Single moms make great friends and companions because most single moms know the art of cherishing the little things; communication, grace under fire, picking their battles, and balancing a checkbook. They are strong, smart, sensitive, and caring. In fact, most women are.

So, if you are ever in the position of dating a single mom, maybe some of these insights will help you. Just be polite, proper, and treat her like a lady. Take her to dinner… but don’t order her a happy meal.

Becky Wilkenson

December 1, 2013