I blog in my sleep. Seriously. This morning as I was waking to the sound of
the storms, the thunder and pounding rain, I was writing in my head. It’s kind
of funny because I sound so genius at 3:00 a.m. in that half-wake, half-sleep
state where I know I’m not quiet completely functional, but the words seem to
flow. Maybe it’s because my mind is somewhat clear from slumber and hasn’t been
clouded by the days happenings at that point.
I used to dream in sign language and
still do sometimes. I worked with kids in VA who had hearing impairments. These
precious biddies were in my classroom, so I had little choice but to learn to
sign and I loved it. I’m rusty, but still can sign fairly well and it comes out
in dreams sometimes. Again, I’m quiet fluent in signing conversation in my
slumber but let me run into someone in public who is signing and all of a
sudden it’s like I have two left hands!
Anyway, this morning as I was blogging in
my sleep and trying to somewhat wake myself I asked myself this question: What
would you absolutely love to do, if you knew you could support yourself and the
kids by doing it? My first answer was, of course, stay in bed and listen to
thunderstorms but that probably wouldn’t work. My next answer came quickly and
as clear as a bell. Write. I would write.
I know I write my Extra Penny blog (which
by now I wish I had named something else but I didn’t so there), but I would
write all the thoughts I have all the time! Ok, I take that back, not ALL the
thoughts I have all of the time lest I be led away in a snug white jacket that
buckles in the back (and white is so not in before Easter), but I would write
what goes on in my mind some of the time. Some people think I think too much, I
think that I think the perfect amount for me. I think some people don’t think
NEARLY enough!
Today what is on my mind is how I have
read book after book after book on how we are to detach ourselves from emotions
because emotions keep us from experiencing our higher self. I have read how we
are supposed to have enough faith so God will give us our abundance. I have read
how we are supposed to love without expectation. I have read so many opinions
from so many other people that my mind has become overloaded and clouded and my
faith has become shaky.
I am an “eat the fish, spit out the
bones” kind of girl. I take the lessons I need from the encounters I have and
if I am not in agreement with a certain idea, I don’t think it’s wrong, just
not right for me at the moment. I may change how I see things later when
another lesson is being learned, who knows?! Anyway, with so many books and
ideas on how to love, not to love, how to detach, attach, commit, not commit,
pray, not pray, work at, not work at and just have faith… with all the ‘stuff’
out there, I have felt myself wanting to scream at God “What do you want???” In fact, I may have very well done this. The
funny thing is, in my quiet time with Him, when I am tired, frustrated, trying
to figure out what way is the right way; when I am asking “What do you want?” I
hear the faintest whisper, “Do you trust me?” “Yes, God I trust you” “But do
you REALLY trust me?” “Yes” “Then just talk to me, spend time with me, and
trust me”.
I am a passionate person. I can’t detach
from my emotions. I love big, laugh big, hug big. I care for people but have
certainly learned a wonderful use for boundaries. I have found what works for
me in my relationship with God. It’s so personal. I love books, people,
lectures that enhance that, but when I
read things that tell me how I’m ‘supposed to be’ to get what I want in life, I
realize there is no one grander than my creator to talk to. If I truly have a
personal relationship with Him, accept His guidance in everything (notice I
said accept it, not ask for it because it’s already provided) then there is
nothing I lack.
You wanna hear the funny thing about this
blog? There was no storm this morning. I wrote a completely different blog, and
on the last page, my computer rebooted itself and I lost it. I went searching
for it because, heaven help me, I didn’t save it early enough and I found this
one… unfinished… just waiting for the writer to complete her thoughts in this place.
By the way I don’t believe in accidents, really, or coincidences. I think God brought me here to remind me that I am to
spend time with Him today. I’ll rewrite the other later. It wasn’t that great
anyway. I trust that’s the message God is sending. I have to believe that or
else I’ll want to fling my laptop across the room. :)
Faithfully,
Becky
