Sunday, March 9, 2014

I Wrote This in My Sleep

I blog in my sleep. Seriously.  This morning as I was waking to the sound of the storms, the thunder and pounding rain, I was writing in my head. It’s kind of funny because I sound so genius at 3:00 a.m. in that half-wake, half-sleep state where I know I’m not quiet completely functional, but the words seem to flow. Maybe it’s because my mind is somewhat clear from slumber and hasn’t been clouded by the days happenings at that point.

I used to dream in sign language and still do sometimes. I worked with kids in VA who had hearing impairments. These precious biddies were in my classroom, so I had little choice but to learn to sign and I loved it. I’m rusty, but still can sign fairly well and it comes out in dreams sometimes. Again, I’m quiet fluent in signing conversation in my slumber but let me run into someone in public who is signing and all of a sudden it’s like I have two left hands!

Anyway, this morning as I was blogging in my sleep and trying to somewhat wake myself I asked myself this question: What would you absolutely love to do, if you knew you could support yourself and the kids by doing it? My first answer was, of course, stay in bed and listen to thunderstorms but that probably wouldn’t work. My next answer came quickly and as clear as a bell. Write. I would write.

I know I write my Extra Penny blog (which by now I wish I had named something else but I didn’t so there), but I would write all the thoughts I have all the time! Ok, I take that back, not ALL the thoughts I have all of the time lest I be led away in a snug white jacket that buckles in the back (and white is so not in before Easter), but I would write what goes on in my mind some of the time. Some people think I think too much, I think that I think the perfect amount for me. I think some people don’t think NEARLY enough!

Today what is on my mind is how I have read book after book after book on how we are to detach ourselves from emotions because emotions keep us from experiencing our higher self. I have read how we are supposed to have enough faith so God will give us our abundance. I have read how we are supposed to love without expectation. I have read so many opinions from so many other people that my mind has become overloaded and clouded and my faith has become shaky.

I am an “eat the fish, spit out the bones” kind of girl. I take the lessons I need from the encounters I have and if I am not in agreement with a certain idea, I don’t think it’s wrong, just not right for me at the moment. I may change how I see things later when another lesson is being learned, who knows?! Anyway, with so many books and ideas on how to love, not to love, how to detach, attach, commit, not commit, pray, not pray, work at, not work at and just have faith… with all the ‘stuff’ out there, I have felt myself wanting to scream at God “What do you want???”  In fact, I may have very well done this. The funny thing is, in my quiet time with Him, when I am tired, frustrated, trying to figure out what way is the right way; when I am asking “What do you want?” I hear the faintest whisper, “Do you trust me?” “Yes, God I trust you” “But do you REALLY trust me?” “Yes” “Then just talk to me, spend time with me, and trust me”.

I am a passionate person. I can’t detach from my emotions. I love big, laugh big, hug big. I care for people but have certainly learned a wonderful use for boundaries. I have found what works for me in my relationship with God. It’s so personal. I love books, people, lectures that enhance that, but  when I read things that tell me how I’m ‘supposed to be’ to get what I want in life, I realize there is no one grander than my creator to talk to. If I truly have a personal relationship with Him, accept His guidance in everything (notice I said accept it, not ask for it because it’s already provided) then there is nothing I lack.

You wanna hear the funny thing about this blog? There was no storm this morning. I wrote a completely different blog, and on the last page, my computer rebooted itself and I lost it. I went searching for it because, heaven help me, I didn’t save it early enough and I found this one… unfinished… just waiting for the writer to complete her thoughts in this place.

By the way I don’t believe in accidents, really, or coincidences. I think God brought me here to remind me that I am to spend time with Him today. I’ll rewrite the other later. It wasn’t that great anyway. I trust that’s the message God is sending. I have to believe that or else I’ll want to fling my laptop across the room. :)

Faithfully,
Becky


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