I’m stupid. At
least that’s what I thought for the first half of my life; before I realized
that I really did have half a brain and that I just thought differently. Please
refrain from comment.
While growing up I was blessed with two
sisters who were both very smart. Neither had to really study and one was even
offered the option of passing up a grade. I had to study… a LOT. My precious
mother would put spelling words to music for me so I could remember them. I
would put vocabulary words and definitions to a rhyme, anything that would help
me remember them. I’m not saying now that I think I was stupid, I’m saying that
when you grow up thinking differently than everyone else, you feel that way.
I’m being very
candid about something I’ve never talked about before. If you know me, this is
nothing new to you. If you are my mother I’ll go ahead and say this is not your
fault and had nothing to do with you (that gets you out of reading this…. You’re
welcome).
Going to school
in the 70’s and 80’s was torture. I learned at a very young age that when I
zoned out it was much better to try to catch up by myself than to raise my hand
and ask the teacher to repeat herself and risk being berated for not listening.
I would often miss out on what everyone else seemed to get so easily and if I
dared ask my neighbor, I was then in trouble for talking (not that I didn’t get
in trouble for that anyway, but you get the point). I never, ever remember
being taught what consonants were. Seriously. I knew my vowels, but I remember
the day the word “consonants” was sprung on me and everyone else knew what that
was and I froze.
I thought I was
stupid. I would get horrifically embarrassed. I would get sick. I missed so
many days my 4th grade school year I wasn’t sure I would even pass
that grade. The teacher that I had that year made things worse by picking the
scab off my weaknesses in front of the class and I swore if I ever taught I
would never do that to a child, ever! I forgot things, missed things; my report
card said I was in space, and I was called lazy. If you know me at all, you
know that I am a far cry from lazy, unless I damn well feel like it which is
about two times a year.
In high school I
had an algebra teacher (a coach, by the way) who was showing us an algebraic
equation on the board. I took my paper up to him and very cautiously said “I
don’t understand…” He said “You just plug it in! The formula… just plug it in!”
It made no sense to me. I saw numbers and letters and lines. I’m not dyslexic
that I know, but I sure couldn’t plug that in. Many, MANY things I could solve
in my head but could not for the life of me tell my teachers how I did it. I
could figure out puzzles, solve problems, etc. and do many things but had no
explanation for how I could do it. “It just makes sense” was the best
explanation I could give. I never cheated, I just learned what worked.
High School
Psychology. MY SAVING GRACE! I loved it! I read it, ate it, drank it! “Really???”
you ask. “Really!!!” I say. You see, when someone who is severely ADD finds
something that interests them, they hyper focus on it. I absolutely loved
psychology. I still do. I love the brain and how it works. Maybe you are
starting to see why.
I always wanted
to be a child psychologist and got about as close to that as I can, being a
school counselor, while having the schedule I love and not traumatizing my own
two kids by staying in school longer than I had to (Mary Abbott, you’re
welcome).
When I was starting
graduate school in my late 30’s, for reasons in addition to grad school, I went
to a psychologist to be tested for adult ADD. Do you remember the commercial
where the woman is trying to conduct a business meeting and all these crazy
things are going through her head? That’s me. All the time. For my entire life.
Anyway, I go to a reputable Dr. and through the testing. Result time comes and
Dr. Orvis (He looked like he hopped out of an Orvis catalog, so that’s what I
named him. He doesn’t know that) asks if I have ever had head trauma (does
falling out of a treehouse when you’re 4 yrs. old count? Yes, it does) or sleep
disorder because that is the lower part of the bell curve in which I fell.
There are other areas of another quadrant involved, but needless to say, I was
mortified. He said it was amazing that I had come so far in life with such ADD,
and that I “must be really intelligent” (seriously, his words, not mine). I left
in tears and…. I called Momma. Mom, love her skin, said, “What is that Dr’s
name? I’m gonna call him!” I had to reassure her that I was fine and she does
not, indeed, need to call the psychologist.
Why am I telling
you this? If you work with children, you have no idea what’s going on inside of
their mind. I can’t tell you what I learned in 1st grade but I can
very distinctly tell you what the frog bulletin board that read “Hop Into
Spring” looked like… to the right of my desk in the next to last row… yes, in 1st
grade. I can give you details upon details upon details of things that may or
may not matter but I have a hard time scheduling out a day without sticky
notes. Maybe you have had this go on
with you and felt like you were alone. When we were growing up the labels were
so harsh and cruel really. I’m telling you because when we look at children or
work with children we think their lives are so carefree. They aren’t. They are
struggling with things they don’t want to tell anyone. They don’t want to raise
their hand to ask teachers to repeat themselves because they are terrified of
being called out and berated. Students really do forget things because that is
a classic sign of ADD, not that they don’t care. And it’s not just ADD, many,
MANY disorders have so many signs… do
you know what they are? However, they can actually be a plus for children
because it makes them learn to think differently. It wasn’t until I went back
to graduate school that I realized I wasn’t stupid. I have no idea what my IQ
is. It may be low, it may be high. It doesn’t matter and I don’t want to know.
I know what comes easily for me and I know how I learn best. I also have
empathy for children who learn differently, creatively, more efficiently even.
I actually had a
person I worked for at the time tell me I shouldn’t tell anyone about this because
people might make fun of me. Well, to hell with you! People need to know that
we all struggle with something and it doesn’t necessarily go away. Kids struggle,
adults struggle, we need to try to understand each other. There is no “One way
is the right way” when it comes to teaching and/or learning. We need to have
compassion and empathy for our children and other adults as well. I get so
angry when I hear teachers make comments about kids “pulling one over on me” or
“playing it up”. How do you know what a kid is going through? You don’t! I know
that you don’t because it’s been over 35 years that I realized I was very
different and I assure you, there are people who had no clue. Try a little
compassion, a little empathy.
What is your goal
for your child? For yourself? Success? Then don’t argue if it’s done
differently than what you would do. Allow for differences, allow for mistakes.
We are different. I for one, am really glad. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Seriously. Just wanted to share. And if this saves one person from feeling stupid, it was very much worth coming out of the stupid closet. Hope this helps someone out there.
Look, a squirrel,
Becky
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