2014 Reflection (Because I Don't Make Resolutions!)

            So what’s been different this year? With the New Year at my fingertips I gingerly turn back the pages of my year to see what, if anything is actually different. It’s no secret I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t see the point of disappointing myself more than usual. Why promise to do things or not do things? I sort of let things happen, strive for things. I certainly don’t want to wait an entire year to try to do better or make a serious to-do list. But what is different now than last year?  Let’s see…. I let my hair grow out quite a bit and I’m wearing it natural, more wavy. I figure we gals have spent WAY too much time styling our hair. YEARS! YEARS we have spent styling our hair to do unnatural things and our hair, our poor hair has had no voice of its own to protest (though if you look back through yearbooks you will see there, on those pages, are indeed protests). I weigh pretty much the same as I did a year ago, though I was probably in better shape then. I have a different cable carrier. Viola! Life changing event! Ok, not really. Same car, same house, same job, same kids (though there were a few times I seriously considered a trade on one or both). So what really changed? What’s new? What big enlightenment did Becky encounter this year?

           

            I stood on the back porch tonight and kind of chuckled at the whole New Year’s Eve thing. I like it, don’t get me wrong. I like new things; fresh starts. I like a full tank of gas and a fresh book of stamps (yes, I still mail things, don’t judge me). I always felt like with a full tank of gas or a fresh book of stamps you could do pretty much anything. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I developed that attitude when I was at Auburn and pathetically homesick. I could mail letters to my mom or come home if necessary. Poor me. That’s another blog for another time and yes, Mom, I’m still sorry about a lot of that. Moving on here…

            As I looked to the winter sky (winter evening skies are the prettiest) I asked myself what was so different this year. This is where I have to admit that I sometimes hear things. Not like those people who walk around with full shopping carts that aren’t anywhere near a store, talking to themselves. It’s more like a very still, small voice that hits me. I like to think of this as me FINALLY getting quiet enough that God’s voice actually gets through my thick skull and I hear what He wants me to instead of all the monkey chatter that has accompanied me since birth. Mom used to say to me “Five minutes, Becky, please, just five minutes” and I think I know why. Ok, for starters, bless her, she really needed the peace and quiet, but she probably knew that one day I needed to be quiet enough to hear things, besides my own voice, that would help direct me, guide me. Maybe or maybe not but that sounded really good so I’m leaving it in here.

            “You have changed”. I was a little taken aback because this isn’t something I would normally tell myself but being that I was hearing it loud and clear I decided to cut myself some slack and look at the ways this past year has grown me.

            I HAVE changed. People often think that others don’t change. I disagree. I think if we are smart we are seeking to grow, to change, to be better, stronger, smarter. Sometimes we change on purpose. Sometimes change finds us because it is, quite simply, time.

            I have made a lot of mistakes over the past year.  I am here, raw and ready to admit it. That’s all I’m going to say about that, so don’t get your hopes up that I’m going into full confession mode. Ha. No way! But I have learned a lot about who I am. I learned that I really love what it has taken for me to get to this shaky, unknowing, vulnerable, scary place in my life. Now, you may be wondering why I am not describing my place as more sound, stable, and knowing. Because when you learn more about who you are and where you are you realize that nothing is totally stable, sound, and for heaven’s sake, you know nothing! Seriously! Remember what a great parent you were before you had kids? Hahahhaha Exactly! Those silly kids forgot to show up with their owner’s manual and we have had to wing it from day one! The very person who swore they would never bribe their kids now passes out freeze pops to her kids and their friends if they will simply wipe down the window sills.

So how am I different? I have learned that while I may know little about what may or may not happen in life, I do know how I react to things is the cornerstone for my own happiness. I have learned the happiness of others is not my responsibility and none of us owe excuses, explanations, or apologies for who we are or for our own values, thoughts, opinions, or beliefs. I have realized that engaging in any conversation with some people is like feeding a cat. Sometimes people are looking (as a friend of mine said today) to pick a fight, argument, or for someone to be mad at. I won’t engage. I am taking small baby steps to get where I want to be. The big picture has been looking too big and scary but I finally began taking small baby steps and it has felt empowering, albeit a little scary. There is something liberating when you realize how paralyzing fear has been.

            When did we become afraid to try new things? As kids we, or my sisters and I did most anything. We were ridiculously unafraid of fear if that makes sense. In fact we didn’t have enough sense to be afraid of the things we should! Rolling off the roof onto lawn cushions? Sure! Sign me up! Nothing could possibly go wrong with that! Skateboarding down the neighbor’s steep driveway out into the street while our designated “watcher” made sure a car wasn’t coming? No fear! Invincible! Fast forward 30, ok fine 35 years later and I’m having semi-panic attacks at the thought of writing a book or packing boxes to store in hopes of selling a home. I realize these are big people things, but really? In the grand scheme of life, we are healthy, happy, and so what if I fail? I’m right back here where I am right now… happily clicking away on my trusty laptop.

            So what has changed? Not much, except me… in a lot of ways. So I guess that is much. Maybe we shouldn’t put so much pressure on ourselves to change. It seems that if we listen to life (five minutes, please, five minutes) and pay attention to all the lessons out there for us to learn we will have plenty of resolutions that take care of themselves without us setting ourselves up for disappointment. And change? Like it or not you probably will. And this next year will be different. How different and what kind of different is up to you.

Happy New Year!

Resolution-Free,

Becky

December 31, 2014

Merry Christmas, Life Lessons, and Stuff...

So today is Christmas. Merry Christmas! Nothing says Merry Christmas like having to go to the Imaging Center for a couple of scans. I had to do that yesterday. It wasn’t a big deal really and I was in and out within a couple of hours. While getting an echocardiogram on my heart (I just thought I’d throw that big word in there) the technician really started talking to me. Really talking to me. I liked that. This person seemed real. I like real. In fact if you seem perfect and totally together there is a real good chance I won’t want to spend time with you because either A) you’re totally clueless or B) you’re totally clueless and/or not ok with your imperfections or C) did I already say totally clueless?

Anyway, so this person simply mentions something their grown child had said and followed it with, “…and that absolutely broke my heart, but he’ll have to learn this on his own.” I mentioned that I felt so many of life’s lessons were that way and we do eventually learn things the hard way. Well, of course all of this got me to thinkin…

We have those “Ah-ha!” moments in life, don’t we? We have those moments when the lightbulb comes on and we simply aren’t who we were and everything everyone ever said to help guide us to that point comes rushing back to us. We get it. All of the seeds that have been planted come to fruition. This is why I don’t think we can possibly change someone by ourselves. It takes so many millions (ok maybe not millions but a lot, It’s Christmas, give me a break) of little lessons for us to reach those Ah-ha moments. I also can tell you that no one can break your heart like your children.

We try too hard to teach our children the easy way so that life’s hard lessons don’t hurt them and they don’t hurt us. We try to shield them from pain, heartache, and sadness so the Ah-has come a little easier for them. That doesn’t work. It simply doesn’t work. As a friend told me, it doesn’t matter what we say or do, we’ll be wrong in their eyes sometimes and it takes them learning lessons the hard way to get it. I can’t tell you how many phone calls to my mother that have begun with, “I am so sorry…” because I finally get what she went through. I learned. The hard way.

Self-confidence comes with learning things and many times it really comes with learning things the hard way. The wonderful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you. No one can take the experiences, the eye-openers away from you. We can use these experiences to be jaded or become wise; as stumbling blocks or stepping stones. It’s up to us, it really is. I have had people tell me that I don’t seem like the kind of person who would put up with such-and-such. My reply is that I’m not…anymore. I have learned so much over the last several years. People do change and if we allow it, we become wiser, more empathetic, and forgiving. We learn to see the world differently; not better or worse really, just differently, and we realize that we can help guide others. We can’t fix anyone, make anyone “see” anything, but guide them, and love them while they figure things out and wait for their Ah-ha moments.

I think God is like this with us. I think He is smart enough to never take a learning opportunity away from us. I think no one can ever hurt His heart like His children, but I also think He knows that He can’t make us “see” anything and we still really appreciate it; that we have to learn things through life lessons. I think God probably smacks His own forehead a lot the way we smack ours when our kids finally get something we think they should have already figured out but I also think He celebrates our small steps as well as our big ones. I don’t know for sure, but I think about how I love my kids and how much more He must love us and how this whole parenting thing isn’t easy… it just make me feel closer to God.

So, Merry Christmas! Be thankful for what you have and be patient with others as they are learning. Unless safety is concerned, never take away a learning opportunity, and when you feel like smacking your forehead because you think someone should have it by now talk to God about it. I have a pretty good idea He understands.

Lovingly,

Becky Wilkenson

December 25, 2014