The Heaviness of My Heart

All,

I've had writers block for a long time. I've had several posts started and some still hang in mid-air on my computer just waiting for completion of my thoughts. I've struggled with some ups and downs lately that I have been unable to put a finger on, but I think it's finally coming clear to me. I'm simply heavy hearted, sad, and angry with how our world is.

I realize that is a very deep and generalized statement for which most of you would simply say, "Duh!" For me, however, always idealistic and hopeful, the state of our world now is absolutely heart-breaking. We have people being sold into slavery (STILL), not only in other countries, but here, close by, under our very own noses. We have people choosing drugs over their children, and ideals over their spouses. Money and things are idolized and people, animals, and nature are abused and I absolutely cannot stand it! I realize while many of us can do little but set an example, teach our children, and be the best we can be, there are leaders who have power who are doing nothing and it makes me sick! We should, as a WORLD be above the abuse, the hatred, and the intolerance that is happening.

Haven't we come further than this? Don't we ALL deserve better? Don't our CHILDREN and GRANDCHILDREN deserve better? Why on God's green earth are there people going hungry, children being abused, our Veterans living on the streets, and young men and women being sold??? I have seen a lot of political ads lately... mud slinging. Would someone please tell me what can someone do to HELP?? Please help us help others! I know what I do personally and at work to help. You know what you do on your end to help, but good heavens, these people in power are "talking about it" and talking isn't cutting it! If I had the answer, that'd be amazing! I don't. I mean, at my own little level, I do, and I do what I can.... but heavens, can we all just be a little kinder, stop the mud slinging and finger pointing and get our heads out of our own rear ends and start ACTING to make things better?

Please know this is not a political rant, this is an "everyone plea." While I believe there are those who do not need to be in power, we ALL need to help make things better. Make noise. Vote. Be kind. Buy a meal for someone. If something looks strange, say something. Call 911 if you're concerned. Speak up. If we all spoke up like the people being mistreated were our children, grandchildren, or our parents....  well, I think we'd all speak up a lot more. Admittedly, myself included. Lets change some things.

Becky

Wouldn't have missed this...

So once again it’s been awhile since I’ve put the crazy thoughts in my head to print. You can thank me for that later. This last year has been a whirlwind, but we knew it would be before we headed into it. I think the initial conversation went something like this:

“Liam, I’m thinking about going back to school.”

“Cool!”

“I need to talk to Mary about it. Remember how she was when I finished at A & M?”

“Yeah… it’s fine, Mom. I’ll be gone, but it’ll keep you busy and take your mind off me going away to college…” (smart kid)

“Mary, I’m thinking about going back to school. Think you can handle that now?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“...Because you won’t be able to drive yet, Liam will be off at college, and it will be a ridiculously crazy year. But just one year. One year of crazy. We can do that, right?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“...Because remember when you were 7 and we were literally leaving my graduation from A & M and you told me you were proud of me but to not EVER go back to school again? Remember that? I don’t want you to bring that up again…”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Ok. Well, I’m doin’ it…”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Mary’s chatty like that. Liam was full on supportive from the start and I knew he would be because he was leaving to start his own ventures at South, so he wouldn’t be around for all the crazy. Shoot! He welcomed the crazy! Bring it on! He’d be down at South having himself a good ol’ time! Mary was the one I would have to figure out rides for, forget to pick up sometimes, and who would live off Dino-nuggets and mac-and-cheese again for the year. Nevertheless we were all on board that Mom was heading back to school. It didn’t really surprise them. When they were 4 and 7 I started graduate school at night while working during the day. It was a blur and we don’t talk about it a lot, really only because we don’t remember much. Occasionally I’ll find something I wrote while in grad school and think, “Wow! That was really well done! I wrote that???” But I digress….

The year of crazy. Being super excited to get accepted into the Samford Cohort for Educational Leadership, I eagerly awaited our first classes to begin last fall. Walking into our first class and meeting my new twelve classmates felt awkward at first. I won’t pretend that we weren’t all sizing each other up. I’m sure we were. “These people seem really nice and I’m sure we’ll get along just fine” I thought to myself. I remember thinking that exactly, but I also remember thinking there was no way we would end up as close as the other cohort professed to being when they came to talk to us about the classes. How in the world can we all really relate to each other? Our jobs within education were all quite different; everything from coaches, to specialists, to kindergarten teachers, TOSAs, counselor, Gifted Coordinator, high school teachers, elementary teachers… I’m sure I left some out, but you get the idea. We were so varied in our expertise and interests. How could we possibly bond?

It seems we are this way in life sometimes, doesn’t it? We automatically size people up before we ever really know the first thing about them. We decide we have nothing in common with them, or that we are better than they, or even worse than they. We decide upon one look or one quick conversation that we could do their job better or would certainly do it differently. Why would they choose to wear that to work? Don’t they realize that isn’t professional? Maybe we do this with people we see at church, or in our neighborhood, or while we are simply out running errands? “I can’t believe they left the house like that!”, or “Why is she driving like a maniac??” I do have some answers to these in just a minute. Stick with me…

A few years ago I spoke at the Rescue Mission. Afterward, my little sister came up to me and said, “You know I was a little nervous. I didn’t know what you were going to talk about… how you would relate…” I understood what she meant; how I would make that connection to people who may have possibly been through a hell I couldn’t understand. As I look back to when I spoke, it was simply on needing each other. I can relate to that. The parishioners at the mission that evening could relate to that. I was in no way above anyone, I just needed people. So did they. We just do. Period.

Back to sizing people up. We all do that and I’ll admit I’m guilty as well. Understand, I’m not talking about being aware of your surroundings, I’m talking about those judgments that may very well keep us from doing amazing things, meeting amazing people, and growing in ways that at first are uncomfortable (isn’t that always the case???) but in retrospect you cannot imagine having sat complacent. Think back to those things you almost didn’t do because you thought you didn’t fit, and ended up having a ball. Think about the person you almost didn’t talk to who is now your best friend, your mentor, your better half or maybe even your spouse. Think about the person you swore was so aloof, snooty, and disengaged… could it be that they were sad, lonely, awkward… and waiting for someone to talk to them? That woman driving crazy in traffic? That was me last summer when my son was in the E. R. and I had to get to him. It was also me this summer when my daughter was in a fender bender and I was trying not to hyperventilate, just getting to her. I knew they were fine, but I’m a mom. And that woman who “went out looking like that”? Again, could’ve been me, or you, when our kids were sick and we needed that medicine YESTERDAY, or were out of diapers, or worse...COFFEE?!?!

Being immersed in the Samford work with twelve new people proved to be amazing. You really can’t ignore people with whom you are always in class and doing projects. Especially when no one really knows what the project is, but we all have some sort of idea so we make it work. It’s fun to learn who has great handwriting (they get to write on those giant post it notes when it’s group work time), who can draw, who knows law well, who is detail oriented, and who sees things from different angles and analyzes everything to death (me). It’s fun to see who will bring the chocolate, or blow-pop suckers, or sour gummy worms, and who can eat the most small bags of chips in one sitting. Will a guitar be brought? Will we have a sing-a-long? Maybe… you never knew... We formed our inside jokes, those late night group texts, and grew to truly love, support, pray for, and lean on each other.

Throughout the last year our little cohort went through alot together, proving that we didn’t just all get along pretty well, we did, indeed, form a deep, forever friendship (and almost a band). The funny thing is, it wasn’t really just with our cohort, but the one before ours, and likely the one after. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world, but I would have missed this if I had sized them all up, and passed on the opportunity, because I thought I was better, or they were better, or we had nothing in common. I would have missed this… and that’s a sad and scary thought. What all have you missed that someone else may have had to offer?

In our class times together we grew to value our differences, feel safe with being open and honest, and really listen to one another. We were all there to learn from each other and that’s what we all loved. Opening ourselves up to other points of view, to the fact that our way isn’t always the only way (it rarely is), and that we ALL have things to bring to the table isn’t always easy, but oh, my friends, it is so, so worth it.

To my Samford cohort…. My friends…. Carla, Kyle, Megan, Alecia, Yolanda, Tyler, Chad, Lisa, Rebecca, Wendy, Emily, and Lynne… this past year was crazy. It makes me proud to have been in such an excellent program with the best of the best leaders. You make me want to be better, push farther, and take risks. There is no doubt in my mind God knew what we all needed and put us together. And truly, I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.

(PS After carefully analyzing everything, I realized we don’t have a group pic! WHAT??? lol)

Not sizing you up,

Becky

July 30, 2017

Fallin' Over, Test Scores, Rude Folks, and Rainbows (Yes, really)

So today I came to the realization that I really, REALLY get in the mood to write when I:

a. fall over
b. don't pass a very important test
c. come darn near close to chewing someone out because THEY are rude
d. rainbows land in my backyard

Okay, this isn't really a test. Seriously, it's all of the above. I fell over, didn't make the score I needed on a test I had to take, got really REALLY aggravated at the lack of compassion shown, and yes, they're always after me lucky charms. For real.

I've been meaning to write you. Really. For a long time. My brain hasn't been at full capacity it seems for many months, what with school, and school, and kids, and their schools. You get the point. It's been a crazy year, but we knew that going in to it (when I speak in years, I often refer to school calendar years. Just clarifying in case you're up all night wondering about this crazy year speak I babble about).

I watched Lucy this afternoon. Not the old comedy series where she has some 'splainin to do. Nay nay, I watched Lucy with Scarlett Johansson. Have you seen that? It's pretty freaky really but being a brain study lover, I do find it fascinating. I want to be her. Well, I really just want to look like her. Of course, I don't think in real life she's utilizing 100% of her brain and to be quite honest, having that capability would likely not be NEAR as much fun in real life as I dream it to be. I wish we COULD utilize 100% of our brains. I DO think SJ is very intelligent, but 100%? No one really is... and...  Just typing that out makes me aware that you all wonder why in the world this girl is single, I know. Move over crossword puzzles, the men folk will line up!

Back to the brain. I love to study. I love education and learning. Right now, somewhere in a Florida retirement village far far away, some professor of mine from long ago is twitching, and not knowing why. I love to learn now. I love studying now. Bettering myself and finding my passion wasn't exactly a late teens thing for me. Or twenties. Or thirties.

So jumping the gun a tad, I prepared as much as one could to take the Praxis for educational leadership. I took several practice Praxis's, read, prayed, watched Seasons 1-6 of The Office. Practiced saying "Practice Praxis" 'cause it's fun to say. What I failed to do was wait until all of my coursework was complete. Most of my friends in the cohort are in roles where a lot of the content is a little more day-to-day, but I really had to study. (By the way, best cohort ever. Best new friends ever! Seriously! Love it!)

Excitement builds as I drive to the test center. I know that God has this and I'm quasi-full of confidence (as long as I don't think about it too much). Entering the test site, I am handed the form where I had to copy a confidentiality statement, in blood, signing over my first and last born, showing 12 pieces of ID, and in turn I was handed a key to a tiny locker in which I was to put my "things". "But I can keep my water, right?" Nope. Crap. So I tried opening a little tiny locker and then realized my little tiny key had a big ol' circle with a number on it. Ah-HA. The key is to a SPECIFIC locker. (Was this part of the test?) Bottom locker. Reminiscent of high school. There were only a few people in the waiting area at this time and I had to squat down behind a gentleman who was signing in, to place my "things in the locker" (locker 5, the number is on the circle). Here's the funny part... I can't see to put the lock back on because 1. I can't see. 2. It's dark in there. 3. I'm trying to be all cool in a strangely squatted position while not getting stepped on before taking my test.

I fell over. I. Fell. Over. There isn't much coming back from that one. With all the grace of someone who had just fallen over, I got up, went into the secure test site, sat down, and took my test. It was long. Very. My adult ADD was merciless. I could hear people talking, people breathing. I won't torture you through this part but let's just say I had 3 to go before finishing and only missed the passing mark by 6 points. I'm fine with that because my daughter texted me and said I'd done pretty well for my first try. Sigh.

With such a wonderful day underway, I have to say that I do work with a very sweet co-counselor and have a wonderful intern who are incredibly kind and helpful and for that I am so grateful. They show a lot of grace and I think at the end of the day we really do just want grace shown to us in our worst hour. Sometimes it's harder than others to be kind and graceful and to see past our own noses, I know that. But I do find it telling that we use the excuses and phrases like "It's not personal", or "It's not intentional" when we are excusing our behavior or lack of gentleness. It reminds me of a line in You've Got Mail, "I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's *personal* to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway?...."Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal." We really need to work on being intentional, folks, on being personal and kind. We really do.

I'll leave that one now because you should know that according to my precious neighbor, I do, indeed hold the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They're always after me lucky charms. Coming home a little bummed this afternoon, I was met by my little fluff-muffin dogs. We talked about our days. Okay, not really. I'm not to that point yet. But I fed them and began to work on some things around here, when in rolled the storm. I love a good storm, I do. But I really REALLY could use some sunshine. Shortly after the storm was when my friend sent the text for me to check out the rainbow. Below are two pictures:

The picture to the left is the rainbow I saw. Beautiful and bright!

BUT the picture to the right is what my neighbor saw :) The rainbow landed on my house! I love it! I needed the reminder. 

Some days just start off kind of wanky. We gear up thinking that the day is ours! We have done all we need to do make certain it goes accordingly and then, with click of a button, the misspoken word, or that stupid little tiny bottom locker we are quickly brought back to the reality that control is never really ours. God has it all along. Perspective should be kept when things are going well, also. A routine check of motives might not be a bad idea. Still, on the days when the stars line up for things to go wrong, God shows us the rainbow. He is in charge. We are not. In fact, if we look closely, there are probably a lot of "rainbows" day to day that we miss because we are looking for the big ones. Control? Very little. Blessings? Countin' em. Rainbows? Looking for them and grateful that I'm NOT the one in control. Clearly I'd make a mess of things, or try to put em in the wrong locker.

Your (not so) Lucky Charm,

Becky
March 27, 2017

HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's 2017...now what?

Well, it appears we made it to 2017! I'm sure I'm not the only one who was ready to tell 2016 to kiss their derriere. Right? It isn't that last year was so bad. It really wasn't. I just like fresh starts. Even if I haven't totally screwed up a year, I like the thought of new beginnings. How is my 2017 beginning? I won't lie, it's pretty wild... I'm hunkered down in the corner of a local Panera with my laptop, lunch, listening to some groovy music, and wondering what in the world I'm going to write about today. But write I will! Because I have decided that if I've learned anything, to abandon my passions is self-cruelty, and mind, to hand, to blog, to reader, whether it's one, or one hundred, or one thousand, there is connection. And I need connection. I know I don't look like I need a cookie but the precious lady at Panera just came around with samples and offered me one. Or "Try all of them!" she said. She really did. I'm not making this up. I never want to disappoint. I took the Kitchen Sink sample. Just one. Try it. I'm not getting paid for this, by the way. It just occurred to me.... Kitchen Sink??? It's delicious though. Really!

I've said it before but I write in my head all the time. It's like a living blog in there, or maybe my blog is like a "Becky's head" in writing, I don't know. I've never been good at shutting off the mind. I don't know why anyone would want to. I take that back, I actually envy people who can sometimes, but this is too much fun. Like now I'm making up the conversation in my head that may be going on with the older gentleman who JUST sat down and his little buzzer went off alerting him that their food was ready and waiting. He didn't look thrilled, he look perturbed. 'If that gets his goat, I bet he's a lot of fun at parties', I'm thinking as he and his wife sit there in silence and eat. But honestly, judgment withholding, who knows what others are going through at any given time, right? The snapshots. We only see those snapshots of people and we form opinions or stories around them. It's totally unfair, no matter how entertaining it may be on a rainy Sunday New Year's. This lovely older couple did start talking by the way. Maybe he was just hungry. I wonder what cookie sample he got?

I wish I could sit here and write some earth shattering and enlightening things today. I really can't. Partly because I keep pausing to take bites of my sandwich or soup before it gets cold and partly because I'm just not feeling that deep today. We all know that could change in a keystroke.

Maybe I'll just write a few things I learned over the past year. Well, I guess I actually knew most of these things, but it seems at times we may learn something, but place it on the back burner. Like we've learned it, but not really learned it, learned it. Using double words makes it more effective, notice that? Like not just effective, but effective effective. I have a cousin who hates it when I double emphasize many times in one conversation, by the way. He doesn't just hate it. He hates it, hates it.

So within the last year I've learned a few things. With my oldest going to college this past fall, I learned we all had to change and I don't always like change. Often people ask me how he's doing. He's great. Of course he's great! He's 18 years old, away at college with most of his best friends, five hours from home! He's awesome! Granted I think he learned he had to grow up a little bit, however, he did really well, and no mom could be prouder. He made the grades, made it to class, and did everything he was supposed to. At least that's the story I get. But that's what he was raised to do. I've raised them both to be self-sufficient. It's never cute when someone is decidedly helpless. Not for long anyway.

But how am I doing with my oldest being gone? I had to grow up a little, too. I think the first big thing I did was text him that I'd changed the light bulbs in the garage. All. By. My. Self. If you saw the ceilings in the garage you would be impressed. You see, I'm the shortest in the family. It was probably not the smartest move, climbing on the ladder, to climb on another ladder, but I was determined. Emotionally, it was different when he left. I fell into a little sadness for a while. My daughter was amazing. She immediately started planning our nights; what we would watch, eat, do, etc. Girl nights! We would occasionally have a girl night before, but now we have them all the time. The house has a perpetual smell of nail polish remover. It's fabulous!

I learned that finding new normals within our family is an ever-changing process. It hurts a little. That's ok.

I learned that sometimes the very things we swear we will never do are the very things God has planned for us. In fact when we fight against something so badly, we may need to wonder why we feel a need to fight against it so badly. I'm talking about the many times I wondered and prayed about my next step in life. I love what I do as a counselor, but I knew there would be something else for me. I wanted to grow more, do more, learn more...you know, with all the free time I have. That's a joke. What I never wanted to do was administration. Until this past year. It was like a light switch was flipped and the answer was clear as a bell that I needed to enroll in Samford's Educational Leadership program. I can't explain how, or why, or what.... I just knew. So saying never, well, I should probably...um...not say that anymore. Will I ever use the license for admin? I can't say. I won't say never.

I learned that God doesn't give us more than we can handle but sometimes it feels like life does. It doesn't have to be one big event, it can be many events and we don't even have to define what's going on. Sometimes things just feel big. Overwhelming. We feel lonely, scared, frustrated. We may feel unloved, unsure, unseen. In little bits we may not even think much about these small bites from life, but it seems that on occasion many of these attack at once. I know that if we can keep our head above water and breath, we will be ok. Life may not always be ok, but we will be.

I learned that if we feel we have to prove ourselves to someone, that someone has power over us. I don't mean that we shouldn't want to do well and that it's not ok to have approval. For heaven's sake I still appreciate approval from my kids, my mom, my administrators. But if we have to prove something in order to feel important, successful, or loved, then someone has power over us. God approved us before He created us. That is the ultimate approval. I have to remind myself of that sometimes, but it really does make everything else pale in comparison.

I've learned not to be too uptight about being grammatically correct when I write, even though in my head it's driving me crazy. People simply don't write the way I was taught, and if we all did, it would sound a trifle strange. I also learned that apparently I did something wonderful while being uptight with my children's grammar as is evidenced by the sweet note my daughter left me for school one day.

Thank heavens she corrected herself and I didn't have to do it! ha

And apparently I was on the way to kicking Monday's booty!!!! Go me!

I learned that I really really love learning. Seriously. I'm a total learning nerd. I can't wait to study school law in this Samford cohort. My mom used to tell me that I should have been a lawyer because I would argue with a stump, and the other side would just get frustrated and pack up and go home. Those are her words. Seriously. There may be some truth to that. Not sure. I would always argue back and say, "Nuh,uh!" But she wouldn't engage in the argument. Sigh. Anyway, I love learning things and if I were to do life over again, I, well, probably wouldn't change anything.... but I may have been a lawyer. Or tried to anyway. Who knows. There's still time. I've learned that "smart" looks an awful lot like hard work and perseverance.

I've learned my job is seed planting, I don't always see the results, and it's very frustrating. I've also learned that's life. We're all seed planters. When at last we see one of the fruits of our labors, it sticks and it reminds us of why we do what we do. This gem was sent to me from a kid I taught in reading years ago. He borrowed my daughter's phone and sent me this text....

I didn't say I taught grammar, but hey! This kid thanked me for being hard on him because I saw potential!
And I did! And I do! THIS is why I do what I do!

I learned that while this is not the life I had pictured I would have, it's much better than the one I had planned. How's that? I had my life planned out a long time ago (I'm pausing so you can laugh.... God is, so you can too). It looked like so many picture perfect lives you see on Facebook and Instagram. It was going. To. Work! It didn't. Not even close. But here's the thing, becoming an independent, strong, hard-working mom who has raised kids who are compassionate, loving, empathetic, also hard-working and independent isn't something I could have done in my planned out life. I would have WANTED to do that in my planned out life, but I just don't think it would have worked. I wouldn't have become who I am. I like who I am; not in a vain way, but in a content way. I know it's because of the trials, everything we've gone through.... that wasn't planned. I'm better. We're better. Plans? Laughable, I know.

I learned that while I used to love the social life, I now have a huge appreciation for quiet. My favorite time of day (or night) is when I take the dogs for a walk and it's just past dusk. It's quiet. It's peaceful. I'm not on social media during our walk and there is no tv that follows me. I blame myself for the amount of static in my life. I just need to leave it alone now and then. Once I was engaged in a conversation with someone who was talking about social media. She said she wasn't on any social media for the time being because, "I hate seeing everyone else's 'happy'". We both laughed, but it was poignant. People, myself included, put out there every good and beautiful thing they can. How can we really compare with other's perfect lives? Exactly. They aren't perfect. But when we feel low, have just gone through a break-up, or are having some other crisis whether it be large or small, we open the gateway to everyone's perfection and what? Do we really expect to feel better about ourselves? Unplug. At least for a while. Talk face to face to friends. See a goofy movie. Go for a walk. People watch.

Oh, speaking of people watching! I learned that when you people watch... and I do not mean stalk, I really don't, you can hear some serious crazy crap! Arguments, yelling, fights! Sheesh! That happened not long ago. I was out shopping and I swear I really was minding my own business, but a couple was being so brutal to each other! Made me happy to go home to Max and Emmie. Their love is unconditional. And they don't talk.

Max is my homeboy

Emmie just says she didn't do it. Whatever it was.

I've learned, well, always known, that family and friends are the backbone, not to success, I mean, yes, to success, but to life. I couldn't function without them. Any of them... all of them. I didn't ask permission before posting these, but here's my wonderful, crazy family :)

         and my best friend (also crazy)...

Anyway, another year of learning under the belt. It never really stops though, does it? And we always say if we'd just known then what we know now, but in a lot of ways, we do know... it takes something hitting home at times for us to really, REALLY get our lessons down. It takes really reaching our threshold of pain for us to set the boundaries, make the call, rip the band aid off... It takes us saying to ourselves, "I don't want to be this anymore" to enroll in school again, to dare things could be different. They can. Fresh year. Fresh "plans". New learning to be done.

I would love to hear what you all have learned this past year! Happy New Year to you! A year of love, laughter, and learning!

Happily,
Becky
January 1, 2017