Goodbye 2013 ~ You taught me well… or not so much, I’m not sure.

Goodbye 2013 ~ You taught me well… or not so much, I’m not sure.

                I’m not a big “Hate to see you go!” kind of girl when it comes to chiming out the old and bringing in the new, especially as it comes to a new year. In fact I sometimes have New Year’s Eve plans and sometimes I don’t. I rarely stay awake until midnight because my body is stupid and wakes at 4:30 a.m. no matter what the previous night has held.  I tend to be one of those annoying perky morning people. At least that’s what my kids tell me.

                As 2013 comes to a close I thought I would teach a lesson on New Year’s Resolutions, or “reservations” as some of my students called it. Now that I think about it, there are definitely reservations about making resolutions. I haven’t always made resolutions and I don’t really like to; they just give me something to think about quitting. I used to jokingly give up drugs or smoking because I never do those things so they were easy. Seriously though, while teaching my little lesson on resolutions I simply connected it to making goals to being a better person; making them do-able, measurable, specific, and being accountable to someone who could help you if you needed the help. I felt like a total hypocrite because I can’t remember the last resolution that I specifically made that I kept.

                I told my students that with each New Year I envision that by the time the year closes, my life will look totally different. And then I ask “And do you think it does?” and as if on cue they all ring out, “YES!” and I shout back loudly, “NO!”. This makes them giggle. But I follow it up with something at first even I found myself proud to say. “My life may not look that different, but *I* am surely different.”

                This doesn’t require much explanation to you, I know, and I have so many very deep, precious students that understand as well, although I did explain how we all continue to grow, no matter our age; but the words felt good coming out of my mouth. “I am surely different”.

                Never will I be so bold or stupid enough to say that I have it all figured out. Never will I again pray for patience, either, but I am continually amazed at the way that I grow each year. It really isn’t in ways that I think I will; eating less potato chips, running more, planning ahead, keeping my desk clean at work so that I can find that note regarding that important phone call, or even remembering to change the air filters before they get totally nasty. I always grow in ways that make me roll my eyes at God and say, “Oh THAT’S what you were trying to tell me?? Couldn’t we have done this in a simpler way??” But I am never, ever disappointed. I think that’s how God works. He shows us what we need, not what we think we need.

                So some valuable lessons I learned in 2013 that I think God should have just sent a quick note, but I probably wouldn’t have learned them so well:

I learned that I don’t have to neglect taking care of myself to make sure everyone else is cared for. In fact, by doing so I had nothing left for anyone. By taking time for myself and pampering myself a little, I feel great and am ready to be ‘on’ for whatever and whomever might need me.

I learned that my intuition about things, people, and situations is usually pretty spot-on. I really can save myself a lot of time here by listening to myself and not trying to make things something they aren’t. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice. Listen up, woman!

Speaking of disappointment, I learned that even good people are human and will unknowingly and unintentionally disappoint us. Compassion is necessary, forgiveness a must.  I have been forgiven for disappointing many, myself.

I have learned that I truly am content with myself and my situation. It’s funny that society seems to think we are supposed to be paired to be happy. I do sometimes long for companionship, and pray that it is done in only a way that God is in the center, and I have actively searched for that, but I have stepped back and realized I have a pretty sweet deal here! I have amazing kids who are independent and well-mannered. I have a nice home and can pay my own bills and take care of us. I clean up after myself. That’s it. Myself. Hmmm not too shabby!

Speaking of kids, I realize that by NOT being able to give my kids everything they want, I have actually done them a huge favor. My kids are respectful, they work hard, we talk about everything (I swear Liam wants to talk about things more than I do, if you can believe that!), they do their own laundry, and they can both (sort-of) cook! Well, you have to give them a break; their example of a chef is pretty minimal. I learned that life’s tough lessons actually teach us the true value of life itself; love, communication, laughter, family.

I learned that being alone is absolutely different than being lonely. The demands of my job and raising kids have taught this social butterfly that alone, quiet time is something to be cherished.

I learned that prayers do not have to sound like Chevy Chase in Vacation. I never really thought that, but I used to pray formally, at least until a couple of years ago. My talks, my communication with God have become rather informal and I love that. I feel like, no, I know He really is my heavenly dad and I talk to Him like such. I know that He can handle that my faith in Him, and whatever it is He is up to, seems to waiver sometimes. I know He can handle that I sometimes get angry and impatient. I know that because He created me, He knows what I am made of and values every bit of me.

I learned that other peoples’ decisions, thoughts, choices, and opinions have nothing to do with me. Now this was a hard one! We all tend to take things personally and I have been the chief of all sinners where this is concerned, but over time I realize (and this is ongoing) that other peoples’ stuff is their stuff. Not mine, not even if they try to make it mine, or convince me that it is because of me. It’s theirs; their choice, their life, their mind, their opinion. Not mine. It’s truly a relief when that sinks in.

I learned that I will not go without coffee. Don’t ask. It wasn’t pretty.

I learned that when someone says “That’s just what I heard” to totally dismiss whatever they just said.

I learned my kids watch everything I do and listen to most of what I say, contrary to what I have thought.

I learned it’s quicker to do what I’m dreading than to sit around dreading it.

I learned that most people are good and decent people, but there are people who will gladly take advantage if you let them. I can love… from a distance.

I learned to say “no” or “not now” and mean it without feeling guilty.

Finally, I learned that when something is on my heart or in my head I need to write it and do it quickly. I love to write, and let’s face it, it’s cheaper than therapy!

Bring it 2014! I just KNOW my life will look totally different by the end of next year. Or not. But I know I surely will be J

Happy New Year and Goodbye 2013! You will be remembered, but not missed J

Becky Wilkenson

December 28, 2013

Give Us Back Our Schools

My heart is heavy this morning as I watch the news to see yet another school shooting. The intended target? A teacher.  Recently there was a young teacher murdered after school by a student she was staying to help. I have refrained from writing what I am going to write here because I don’t know how it is going to come out of my fingertips, and I don’t know exactly how you, my reader, will take this, but I feel compelled to write at this point. When I feel so strongly to let my words flow, I have to let them flow.

Dammit, give us back our schools! Over the last few years there have been countless reports of parents high-tailing it to the schools with threats because their child wasn’t treated the way they thought they needed to be, suspended for this reason or that. There are bomb threats from kids AND parents. Teachers, administrators, and counselors have to look over their shoulders at all times for what? Doing their jobs!

Educators make little money and get little respect because they believe in the future of the children and for the record, the children aren’t the future, they are now. They are the present, they are making choices now that will affect them forever and educators are helping to mold and make their ‘now choices’ to help them become who they become. I understand parents work, they are busy, they trust (some of them) that educators know what they are doing, but dear God, let us do our jobs!

We have training, LOTS of training, most of us have multiple degrees and we must, yes we must continue our professional development to maintain our certification. We know what we are doing and for the most part most of us do it well! Do you go to the Dr.’s office and tell the doctor exactly what procedures to do, how to do it, tell him your diagnosis, and how to treat you? Probably not. So please trust that educators know the curriculum, how to handle situations for the best of all the children, and the correct protocol for procedures.

I say this because I am tired of children being raised with a sense of entitlement. Entitlement is the ultimate form of neglect. When children come to school with a sense of entitlement, as though somehow they should be treated differently and rules don’t apply to them; that mom or dad can “get them out of this”, we aren’t teaching them problem solving skills. We aren’t teaching them that, no indeed, life isn’t fair and we all have to adjust to that. We aren’t teaching them to respect authority. We aren’t teaching them that sometimes we may or may not like or agree with everyone with whom we come in contact, but we must learn to respect each other and work together. When children come to school with a sense of entitlement they don’t understand that the adults in their lives really do work together to pave the way for their future and they quickly learn to “play” adults against each other. And when parents step in and tell educators how to do their jobs, they are modeling the ultimate disrespect for authority. Do you think kids will respect the very people who disrespect authority? Absolutely not! They are being taught not to!

Give us back our schools. We work hard to make schools safe, warm, happy places to learn. We work hard to make sure that kids love coming to school and get everything they need and more. When students leave little notes for teachers, administrators, counselors, and other staff it means more to us than you can possibly imagine! We aren’t babysitters and we aren’t a juvenile correctional facility. We are educators. We educate. We comfort. And we do it because we love the kids, we want them to get the best education possible in a warm and loving environment, and we know what we’re doing.  Children definitely deserve the best education available and we want to provide it. But know this; they are not entitled to anything worth killing for.

Becky Wilkenson

December 14, 2013

10 Things for My Single Guy Friends to Know About Dating Single Moms

10 Things for My Single Guy Friends to Know About Dating Single Moms

1.      Single moms are still women. Under all of the fundraising papers, dirty sports uniforms, and the robe that is older than her eldest child is someone who wants to be seen as a woman; as beautiful, sensual, glamorous, strong, independent, and exciting. She wishes she DID have time for that 3 mile run in those 20 minutes she has that one day per week, but darn at the homework! Mention that you see the positive things in her after you wipe the chicken nugget crumbs off her shoulder.

2.      Single moms don’t have time for your insecurity. It’s nice to get little messages on occasion, but when we are balancing 8 grocery bags, a cup of coffee, shutting the car door with our boot (the good pair), while yelling to remind the kids that we have 20 min. for dinner then we’re off to youth group, we don’t have time to respond to a text message that just says “Hi”. It seems as though you are crouched in the corner of a dark room waving your hand begging for attention. I know that sounds harsh, but throw something in like “I know you’re busy, but I just wanted to say hey! Have a great evening!” and we’ll know you aren’t just sitting there waiting for a response.

3.      Single moms, at least single moms that will be around for a while aren’t interested in all your money and things. If you are trying to woo a girl with what you’ve done, have, your money, or your toys then go ahead and get a bank account in her name and save yourself some time because that’s what you’ll end up doing in the long run. And is that really the girl you want? If you really want to woo us, let us get to know YOU. Let us know that you’ll be around and that you are worth our time.

4.      Single moms are busy but we will make time for the people and things that are important. If it’s a lunch date, a coffee date, or if you are worth scheduling time every other weekend, if you are important we will make time for you. Please understand that the most important people are the ones we are raising, but we still enjoy having a ‘life outside of our life’ and when and if the time comes, the two of you shall meet.

5.      Single moms are amazingly intuitive and strong. Our BS meters are pretty keen. If you say one thing and mean another, we pretty much have that figured out before the last word is out of your mouth.  Respect us enough to be honest. If you like us, great! If you aren’t interested, not a problem. Don’t waste our time or yours, but at least be honest. Yes, we really can be just friends.

6.      If you can’t watch your mouth or your actions, you don’t have a shot with a single mom. We want to trust you around our kids and our moms. And believe me, our kids tell our moms everything! Seriously! So if we are nervous about taking you home to our kids, it’s probably not going anywhere. And don't forget the way you talk about your ex, your mom, your kids, and the way you treat the wait staff speaks volumes about your character.

7.      Single moms are not looking to raise another child. Don’t get me wrong, I would welcome any good man who had children, but I am not going to raise a man child. By that I mean I am not looking for a man to take care of. There is something incredibly sexy about a man who is already happy, emotionally healthy, and is perfectly capable of doing his own laundry, paying his own bills, and keeping his place clean.

8.      Many single moms have been through a lot and surely may have baggage, and hopefully have learned to let it go or at least deal with it. But single moms don’t need to pick up any more unnecessary baggage. We don’t need any more bitterness, anger, distrust, etc. in any relationship. Please don’t come to her to heal you. She already has a lot on her plate.

9.      Single moms are not too busy to have fun. Most want, need, and look forward to their friend time, family time, and can cut loose and be silly when needed. And our kids secretly love it.

10.   Single moms make great friends and companions because most single moms know the art of cherishing the little things; communication, grace under fire, picking their battles, and balancing a checkbook. They are strong, smart, sensitive, and caring. In fact, most women are.

So, if you are ever in the position of dating a single mom, maybe some of these insights will help you. Just be polite, proper, and treat her like a lady. Take her to dinner… but don’t order her a happy meal.

Becky Wilkenson

December 1, 2013

Just One Second

Just “One Second”

If you live and breathe in the state of Alabama I bet you think you know where this is going. Well, you are partially right. Just one second. This afternoon’s Iron Bowl came down to just one second. Who in the world would have ever known that the game, “THE” game would have ever been so intense and heart-attack inducing in the last minute or so of the game, let alone the last second?

Well, I certainly did not! At my sister’s home with all the other SEC fans you could hear the excitement grow (literally, I bet you heard us) as time ticked downward. There are many Bama fans and Auburn fans and we always manage to keep things clean and classy each year as we (on separate floors of her home of course) cheer on our own teams. Each year we sincerely congratulate each other and we have always sincerely cheered on the National Championship teams as we are all proud of our state as a whole.

So, is this about the ONE SECOND left in the Iron Bowl today? Sort of. It was amazing, I’ll admit. I am a Tiger fan, no doubt. I will say that without the Tide, the Tigers wouldn’t fight so hard. We make each other better, no doubt, both ways. But this is about one second. Seriously, not football so much, but one second. If it were about football you would all be laughing because you would realize how little I know about the game itself.

One second. I have already talked to a couple of amazing friends who cheer as fervently for Bama as I do for Auburn. They were very sincere and classy in their congratulations for Auburn’s win.  With one friend, who has counseled as well, I said “I have to get deep here for a moment… I see this ‘one second’ as so much more than a football thing” and went on to share with her how I see this as a total game changer.

Now, insert my disclaimer, I am not saying that God won or lost the game for anyone. I am not saying that He removed or put back any amount of time on the clock. I am saying that God is a timeless God. You see, this afternoon when there was one second left on the clock and Alabama was going in for the kick, I purposefully turned my back to the tv and played with my niece. I didn’t want to watch. I thought either they get it and we lose, or they don’t and we have overtime. There. I had it figured out. My sister may have been hiding behind the couch at that point, I’m not sure, we get pretty intense. But then, I hear screaming….and I turn, and I see Davis run the ball completely down the field for a win. Touchdown Auburn. One second. Who in the world would’ve thought that? Who would have predicted THAT? I don’t care how many people say that saw it coming, no one did!

How does that relate to God for me? We sit on the sidelines watching our lives play out on the field, day in and day out. We know the plays. We may even have the play book in our hand. We know our financial troubles. We know how many times we have tried to have children. We know how many times we have talked to our child about drugs, alcohol, and the dangers of how they may be living. We know how lonely we feel every time a holiday rolls around. We KNOW this game. We see the clock tick down. We know what’s about to happen and we turn our backs on the field, or the tv, or the play because WE KNOW how this is going to go down. WE know what’s going to happen. We’ve seen it. We’ve lived it. We’re tired of it. We’re done.

Then, one second. In one second there is someone there to take the ball and run it and take our breath away with a play that we never even imagined possible. There is someone there who says “You may have the play book, but I am on the field!” and our lives are changed in one second (again, please, I am not talking about the Iron Bowl). There is God there saying “You think you have it figured out, but I am a God who has no time and am in no hurry.” One second.

What does one second mean to you? Maybe you have seen a miracle in one second? One second may have kept you from an automobile accident. One second to getting to the emergency room. One second may have helped you meet that person you are now with. One second to tell someone that you love them before they go. I know people whose lives have changed in one second. God can do that and I believe He LOVES to do that!

So, it was a good game today, to say the least. But let’s take away something more than a win. Let’s remember that one second is an amazing amount of time for a timeless God. Let’s remember that when God says “Wait a second” We really should be patient and trust that He knows what He’s doing here. One Second. Please, God, be my guest.

Becky

November 30, 2013

P.S. My mom just called from “the bus” on her way back to her car in Auburn. She’ll be running on adrenalin for a week! 

Who's your ICE?

Who is your ICE? You know… your “In Case of Emergency” contact? Don’t inbox me. It’s a rhetorical question for the most part, but did you immediately think of someone? Your spouse? Your significant other?

Nothing makes you contemplate your life like going to the doctor and filling out new forms. I had that experience again today. Oh, it’s fun! “Emergency Contact Information” to me is like nails down a chalkboard. It’s not that I don’t HAVE it, it’s that when it comes time to fill that out I am reminded that I still put my ex-husband down as my ICE.  We have been divorced for 8 years. Yes, he knows he's my contact (at least I think he does). I also put my sisters and mom if there is room. To me that question is like “List your hobbies”. When I know in fact I haven’t had many since sometime like 1993.

ICE. In Case of Emergency. It’s innocent enough and it’s a good thing for people to know, right? Who do we contact? And why is Becky writing about it? Because people who have been alone for a while whether because of divorce or being widowed sit with the stupid pen that almost always only half-way works, hovering over this. We have to think about it. Who is my ICE? Who cares if I totally fall out here in the doctor’s office? Who knows I’m AT the doctor’s office? Who would even know my full name if the doctor calls them?  Rebecca Who?

It makes me think of single mom friends who move. Who do you list if you don’t know anyone? How do you feel when your pen hovers over the line and you have to leave it blank? I thought about certain people that I actually know who have faced this. I realize, though, there is something we can do! If someone is new to your church, your school, or your neighborhood and you know they don’t know anyone yet, ask them to lunch… get to know them. Let them know you aren’t ‘cray cray’ as we say and let them know you are safe to add as an emergency contact for them and for their kids if they have them as well. Let them know that if something happens you have their back. Let them know you’re safe to get their kids from school if they get stuck somewhere. I promise you, I have this struggle and I HAVE support, so I can only *imagine* what it feels like to be new, alone, and not have an ICE. They will SO appreciate the gesture!

I hate filling out new forms. I do have some hobbies and I do have emergency contacts (although I could not for the life of me remember my sisters’ phone numbers… they were in my phone… at home!). I hate filling out forms almost as much as I hate when they take my blood pressure and weigh me. I think that, in and of itself, almost makes me fall out! I just hope Todd answers his phone when he gets that call… “Hello, sir… do you know a Ms. Rebecca Wilkenson? We just took her blood pressure and weighed her….you were listed as her ICE…”

Urgently,

Becky

October 21, 2013

Are You Good Enough?

Have you ever wondered if you’re good enough? Have you ever wondered if you do enough for others? Have you wondered if you ARE enough?  If so, I have your answer. The answer is yes. Yes, you are. There. I’m done. I’m kidding. There’s more. Lots more. Seriously, grab some coffee with some pumpkin spice cream and sit a spell J

Being faced with so much sadness in our community lately and many doubts about people, choices,  things I hear that are being said and done, and even things that I’ve heard concerning me and my apathy towards them I have found myself facing a real low point in my life. I don’t doubt that there is a God. I don’t doubt that He created me, that He loves me, and that He has some sort of grandiose plan for me in the big wide world of whatever this all is. I know that I gave birth to two of the most amazing kids and I’m proud of that and I know that in my daily job as a counselor to many, many kids what I say and do matters sometimes, but I have had my doubts, my questions, many of them to be sure, as to why I am here.

 Am I really doing enough? Am I totally and completely selfish that my sweet neighbor lady brings me dinner on occasion and I don’t know what I’ve done for her lately? Am I totally self-absorbed because I’m so involved in my work and the kids’ activities  and making sure we have quality family time in there somewhere, that I forget someone’s birthday? I have heard some harsh things said about people like me (and flat out, about me) that we don’t care, that we are too busy to care, etc. So, for a long time, being the people pleasing person that I was (catch the past tense ‘was’), I stretched myself thinner and tried harder to make people happy. Big mistake!

Most of you are aware that I am a single mom with 2 teenagers. Ok, to be honest Liam is the teenager and Mary Abbott is the pre-teen, but if you’ve had a daughter and she’s been 12, you may as well have started calling her a teenager at the age of eight because that’s when they start trying to be teenagers. My kids and I have a great relationship. We really do! They try not to roll their eyes in front of me and I try not to act like a crazy woman in front of them. That all failed the other day when a woman in a blue minivan was texting and turned in front of us at a red light… I slammed on my brakes, hit my horn and let out a few words that “Momma doesn’t say”.  I thought I was going to have to go to confession right then and there, but I looked over and Mary was snickering. She said “You NEVER say that!” I guess we have some understanding in our family that sometimes we just allow each other to be real. Actually, most of the time we do. I like that. Anyway, I digress. (And to the woman in the minivan who never looked up, dear lord woman you’re gonna kill someone!)

Anyway, So I’m a single mom with teenagers. They are very involved in school sports, JROTC, and youth group. I am also one of two counselors at a school with roughly one-thousand students. We are very active in our church and with our family and I wouldn’t trade our lives for anything. Seriously. I get along well with the kids' dad and his wife and her son. We are a big, strange, happy family.  But, to say this is easy would be a lie. A big lie.

Somewhere along my life’s way I have allowed myself to feel less than. I don’t know who or how or why or what I allowed in my head, but I did. I was married before I married Todd (the kids’ dad). Not everyone knows that and I haven’t felt comfortable sharing it, but I am now. It was during that time I’m pretty sure that I learned that I was stupid, I was too big, I wore too much make-up, I talked too much, I said the wrong things in front of people, I gave stupid gifts, and I was selfish. I was vain, insecure, I was too sensitive, and when I was in a wreck once, it was because I had the radio up too loud. I was never, ever, ever good enough. The tapes that have played through the years have been incredibly hurtful and God how I wish we could learn to destroy those things, but it’s not that easy. In fact it almost seems that we attract other people who spot our vulnerabilities and rip off the scabs of our healing wounds. Whatever the case, we are left feeling broken, beaten down, and never, ever enough.

I had coffee with a friend of mine yesterday and Diana can say something that is like plucking a gray hair. It stings for a second, but you’re glad she said it. She tells me that I’m so distracted trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do, why I’m here, that I don’t see it right in front of my eyes. She tells me that I’m supposed to write. She tells me that my words touch people. It’s hard for me to hear that because I feel like my words aren’t good enough. My writings aren’t good enough… and I hear the tapes playing in my head again. “No one wants to hear what you have to say".

Today at church Pastor Suzanne is in the middle of a series "What on Earth Am I Here For? ". She began to speak and was telling us that our most important purpose in life, our primary reason for being here (here it comes, I think, something else I’m not doing enough of, or not doing quiet up to par)… is To. Be. Loved. What?? To be loved?? Yes. What do I need to do? Nothing. But I haven’t cooked dinner for my neighbor. Dear heavens, you can't cook! Don't do it! You are here to be loved. ME? Yes. Why??? Because God created you on purpose. To. Be. Loved.

Now, I gave a talk at the Rescue Mission last year and I am really fairly good at telling people these things and I do firmly believe it. For you. I know that you, that we, were created for a reason. I know that we were knitted together in the womb and that God knows the hairs on our heads and He knows our names and He knows everything about us. What I had to be reminded today was I need to stop trying so hard to be loved. I need to stop beating myself up for not ‘being enough’. I am enough. God created me in His image and I dare not say that my God is not enough. If my God wants me to do something, by Him, He will equip me to do it and I will be enough, and I AM enough!

I sat in my seat after church with my friend Judy. I couldn’t move really. I looked at her and said “When was the last time you were given a sermon that told you to allow yourself to simply be loved?” Neither of us could remember.

We are so often sadly and mistakenly told that we are not enough. What is even more horrible is that we believe it and we cling to that instead of what we read today in Romans (8:38-39) “I’m convinced that nothing can separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus our Lord: not death or life, not angels or rulers, not present things, or future things, not powers or height or depth, or any other thing that is created.” See, nothing separates us from God and His love. Nothing. Nothing. That means that you are good enough. I am good enough. We are enough.

Suzanne told me today to go and just be. Just be loved. I took a long, long walk today on the nature trail. No music, just birds, the rustling of the trees and other people enjoying nature as well. I am challenging myself to just be this week; to stop beating myself up for not being enough. If the creator of the universe felt that I was worth knitting together, then I must be enough for Him and if I’m enough for Him, then I’m enough and I have a job to do. I have no idea what that is, but I’m listening… not trying too hard to figure it out, just listening.

I challenge you, if you have had those feelings, to just be. Allow yourself to be loved and bask in that. Bask in the glory that you were created on purpose with intention and if for some reason some poor sot out there thinks you aren’t good enough, remember that poor sot, I mean person, was created on purpose as well… and God is working on him/her. Maybe it’s your job to be an example? And if I’m supposed to be an example to the woman in the blue minivan, I failed miserably…. But I gave Mary Abbott a hearty chuckle.

Loved,

Becky

October 20, 2013

Deep Thoughts in 25.3 seconds

So I had some seriously deep thoughts this weekend in about 25.3 seconds. I thought I would share them with you in case you like to take your weekends off from thinking.  Lucky you! I did the work for you! You’re welcome.

So I was thinking over the last few days that I wish life was fair. Not too deep, huh? But I do wish that.

AND THEN I was thinking that it’s the weekend and I really shouldn’t be thinking so much. But I do think a lot because that’s just what I do. Anyway, I’ve always been told that life isn’t fair. I know that in the deep parts of my soul, but I found myself being really disappointed that good guys don’t always win, that hard work doesn’t always pay off, that honesty isn’t always regarded over elaborate embellished fabrications, and that professionalism seems to take a back seat in so many, well, professions.

So as I was thinking about how I wish life was fair and hearing my mother’s voice (I often hear my mother’s voice) in the back of my head saying that it is not and we just have to deal with that and do what’s right anyway, something else rolls in my head…

AND THEN I started thinking maybe I’m glad life ISN’T fair! I mean, what if I’ve exceeded all the fairness I should have been allotted in my lifetime? What if I’ve really been given more than my fair share of goodness and love and mercy than what I really deserve??? What if I'm in the red??

AND THEN I started thinking that I really hate the word “deserve”. I do. I think the word deserve leads us to a sense of entitlement. What do we deserve really? When we start to think about what we do or don’t deserve or what others do or don’t deserve it puts us in the judgment seat of what is good or not good and it allows us to think that we know others’ hearts, trials, pasts, struggles, and even that we know ourselves, which I am beginning to see that we may not. And we are strangely hard on ourselves.

AND THEN I started thinking that we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. We should give ourselves a break, kind of like God gives us a break.  He gives us a lot of breaks. He sees what’s in our hearts. He knows that I, that most of us, try really really hard to do what’s right and we mess up sometimes. He knows what battles we have fought, what we have lost, what we go home to and what wars live inside of our minds sometimes. God knows if we are lonely, hungry, angry, seeking, searching, loving and craving to love. God knows.

AND THEN I thought maybe when I quit thinking about life being fair or not and just remember that when God is in charge, life is just the way it is supposed to be. I mean what I consider fair you may or may not consider remotely fair. What I consider a good thing you may or may not think I have completely lost my mind to think that something is good. But when I quit worrying so much about fair, good, not good, not fair and let God take care of what He does best, I really don’t have to figure it all out anyway. In fact, it has nothing to do with me (ouch).

AND THEN (yes, I can really have ALL of these thoughts in 25.3 seconds and if you know me, you know that) I realized I really need more grace for others.

AND NOW I am fighting back tears that I even had some of these thoughts in the first place. But I bet if we’re honest, most of us do have these thoughts sometimes. I’m grateful for my whirlwind mind. I’m grateful for friends who live lives as examples to keep me on track. I’m grateful for keeping in check.  AND I’m grateful that I typed all of this out…. So now I don’t have to think about it anymore today.

BTW, you should see me clean the house.

Thoughtfully,

Becky

October 13, 2013

Use Your Words

I started with a totally different blog tonight. Don’t fret. I saved it for you to read when you had insomnia. So often my writings take such different turns than I intend and many times it’s with a quick event, happening, saying, or something that has me venturing off into never never land.

Tonight it was a post from a sweet young man that I have known for a long time asking if anyone ever had a crush on someone and was too shy to tell them. I said “YES! But it’s harder to wonder ‘what if’ if you don’t”. I am such a hypocrite. Now, I’m not lying when I say yes, of course, I have had a crush on someone and was too shy (yeah right) or afraid to tell them, but I live with a lot of “what ifs” that I wish I didn’t.

With the randomness of writing I think I’ll say some things to people here that I wish I had said along my life’s way. For those of you who are getting excited, don’t. I’m not putting names. That wouldn’t be fair. But there were many times in my life I wanted to say something and I wonder if anything would be different if I had. Not better or worse, just different. So here I go:

________________  you taught me that academics were a very small part of learning. You dared to speak to me about the hurtful things in my life and left school out of it. I learned more from you than I did from the book. Thank you.

________________ I loved you the best I knew how. I didn’t love myself. When I finally did, I realized love wasn’t what I thought it was in the first place.

________________ I’m sad that after a divorce, with small kids I was in a place where I allowed what you said cause me to be afraid of a God that I now know to be loving and forgiving. This kept me from serving in your church. I thank God that He isn’t at all like you.

_______________ I love you with my whole heart. I have cried. Prayed. Begged. Sat up late with you. I can no longer enable you to self-destruct. Sometimes love has to walk away for a while. You are an adult, it’s your choice.

_______________ I miss you every day. I want to ask you what I’m supposed to do. I want to ask your opinion on things. I want to sit with you and I want you to draw me pictures again. I want you here and I wish you didn’t have to go away so long ago.

_______________ the beautiful engraved bell and parfume you gave us at Christmas time after Daddy died meant more to us than you can possibly imagine. It was more than ‘gifts’… it was little girls remembered.

______________ you took us shopping to get our mom birthday gifts when we were little and had no dad.  I remember vividly. That took a lot of heart from you. Thank you!

_______________ when you told me what I an awesome teacher I was, I was there earlier and stayed later for a long time to be even ‘awesomer’ because you believed in me. Your trust in your teachers was what made you an exceptional leader. When you retired, I left, and it was never the same; but I took your lessons with me.

________________ I thought I knew what I was talking about, then I had my own. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Being a mother is hard. Being a single mother is heart-breaking sometimes. Forgive me.

________________ I wish you didn’t have to go live in ___. I would take you to live with me if I could. I almost called the guardian ad litem. You have no idea how much I want to adopt you and your brother so you didn’t have to leave here.

________________ You have no idea how much those little plastic Christmas forks and spoons meant that you mailed to my kids. I still have (a couple of) them. I say “So, what do you think we outta do now?” because you said it to your boys.  You taught me so much. I’m mad that ALS took your body. I’m sad you’re gone.

_________________ If you talk to people like they are dogs, don’t be surprised if they bite you.

_________________ thank you for trusting me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me how to be a friend. Thank you for unconditional love for so many years. Thank you that I never have to worry about where I am with you.

_________________ you saw the best in me when I saw a void space. You lifted me when I couldn’t see which way was up. You didn’t judge me. You taught me to love. Just love. Thank you.

_________________ you called me on the morning of my wedding. You said you wish Daddy was here to see it and how you missed him.  I remember that phone call, where I was, it was raining. Thank you for thinking of me and Daddy. I know you loved him too.

_________________ thank you for watching after us after Dad died. Thank you for putting a CB radio in our car so Mom could call someone if she needed to. Thank you for being Dad’s best friend. You were the first example of ‘best friends’ I had.

_________________ when you asked me to take you to the dr. I was honored because it meant you trusted me and I know it’s hard for you to ask for things.

_________________  I loved you. I don’t know why or how; it doesn’t make a single bit of sense but I did.

I wish I was brave, like the new song I love so much by Sara Bareilles, Brave. I wish I could let the words fall. I can’t. I’m cautious. I’m better, but cautious. Liam says I don’t have a filter which I think is funny because I’m thinking, “Son, you have NO idea!” I can’t figure what in the world I have saved by keeping words to myself. I don’t mean ugly words; we should keep those to ourselves. Kind words, loving words, risky words… we should put them out there! Really, what do we have to lose? That was why I told my young friend tonight my regret is not saying things. If you tell someone how you feel and it’s not reciprocated, what have you lost? Dignity? No! You spoke your heart!

 Do you know how brave you are to speak your heart? You have lost nothing. Nothing.  Ill feelings, hurtful feelings, maybe you should work through because you have to ask “How will this help?” and it probably won’t. But loving, thoughtful, risky feelings? Why not? Why not tell people what an impact they have made on your life? Why not let people know you love them? It doesn’t mean just romantically, love comes in many flavors!

I look at this way: At the end of my life will I be thinking “I wish I had…” or “I’m glad I…”

So, hold your head up, clear your throat… and speak your words.

Lovingly,

Becky

September 2, 2013

Fearless

I recently posted one of my new favorite songs, Brave, by Sara Barielles. It really plucks a (good) nerve with me and I have to dedicate that to all the younguns out there who are taught to be too cautious with words, actions, etc. I teach my kids to be respectful, but to challenge the thinking they are given. To try new and fun things. To be fearless!

I was fearless as a child. In fact my little sister reminded me this weekend of an event or two that happened when I was little that she had only recently learned. When I was four, Dad bought us a go-kart. I was too short to reach the brake but there was a ‘kill switch’ for me. Do you see where this is going? He took Beth, my older sister and me to the church parking lot so we could cut loose! I did…. Boy, did I! I flew through the parking with the fervor that Dale Earnhardt Jr.  would envy!... straight towards a barbed wire fence. Remember, I had short legs… brake? What brake? Kill switch? What? I was flying! Call it instinct or what, but I thought REALLY fast and I ducked. Instant really cool rush for me, “for sale” on the go-kart the next day. Beth is still mad.

Playing chicken was a popular game when we were kids. Did you ever play that in the pool? You know, you’d be on somebody’s shoulders and try to knock someone else off? Pretty harmless, in the pool, away from the sides, right? Wayne and I played chicken around a dirt track in the neighborhood. Neither of us was chicken. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but I was on a bike, Wayne was on a dirt bike. Again, battle scars proudly worn and played down so Mom wouldn’t know everything. It’s hard to hide a softball size knot on your knee for long.

I think one of the dumbest most fearless things I did as a kid was when Mom left the house and let me know that I was not to go “down the road” on my uber cool pink Huffy. Translate to Becky language “Oh just go a little way, you’re pretty good on the ol’ bike, fast and all, Mom’s not THAT sharp, she’ll never know….” One quarter mile, one car, one upset driver and one crinkled up Huffy later and I see our red Buick creeping up with my mom’s look of horror? Anger? What was that look?  Crap! Maybe she won’t notice the tires are sideways and I’m pushing it. How in the world did I survive??

Fearless. I was fearless because no one had taught me to be afraid. I was fearless because I loved the rush of doing what I wanted to do and figuring out for myself if I could or not. I didn’t die. I had some scratches and scars. I never…broke…a…bone. I was fearless because the world was at my fingertips and I didn’t know any better.

I was fearless in a friend’s tree house once. He was trying to tell me to be careful, but (I was four or five at the time, yes!) as he tried to caution me,  I told him that it was rude to interrupt people when they are speaking (shocker!!!). I’m sure he was contemplating the wisdom of my young words as I fell out of the floor door to the concrete below. I should have been ashamed but I remember proudly jumping out of the car later in the day to show Daddy my stitches! Fearless.

I’ve never been afraid of physical things really. I have gone spelunking down big rocks, hung off cliffs with my ankle wrapped around a bar to get that “great shot” with my camera, snorkeled in the ocean off of Mexico, done a few fun things, nothing out of this world, but fun and exciting.

I think fear sets in when we are taught. Fear is needed to some degree for certain and we need to have fear to a healthy level, but as I am learning to give up emotional fear, I am excited to watch my kids grow up fearless; physically and emotionally. I don’t try to vicariously live through them (ok, sometimes, don’t judge me) but I love watching them have FUN! Life is fun! It’s meant to be lived, experienced! Fear cannot reside where love is and I want love, fun, experience! What about you? What do you fear? Do you realize most of what we spend our time fearing never happens? What a waste of time!

I loved my childhood. My mom probably knew we rolled off our garage roof onto the outdoor furniture cushions. She probably knew we had jumping contests off the shed. She probably knew we did things that if we discussed at the time it would have caused her to have a breakdown. Every now and then we all talk about those times and laugh. I asked her once if she knew I was doing something why didn’t she stop me? She responded, “I knew you’d learn.” I did. Or maybe not. It’s never too late to be fearless! And in case you need to know, the kill switch is on the right.

Fearlessly,

Becky

August 11, 2013

On Being Happy

On Being Happy

Recently while walking with a friend of mine we began discussing and questioning why and for what people work so hard. Certainly I want for us to have our basic needs fulfilled, but it seems people are working more hours, to earn more money, to buy more things, that they have no time to enjoy. So again I pose the question: Why are we working so hard?

I am a happy person. I have no idea what I have in my retirement account or when/if I’ll be able to retire. To be honest, I will probably be doing some mission work somewhere or who knows what when I am retirement age, so I never really worry about it. I never really worry about much of anything. Seriously. Well, there was a small tree frog in my house today and I nearly called 9-1-1 but that’s a different story. I just don’t really worry about things. Maybe that’s why when I was flipping through the Netflix selection of documentaries the one entitled “Happy” grabbed me. There has been plenty of research done on depression, but I loved that this documentary was on being HAPPY!

The documentary, Happy directed by Roko Belic, 2011, was quiet scientific and I loved that, being the brain nerd that I am. It had a lot of talk about the reduction of dopamine as we age and the need for the upkeep via exercise, activity, and variety (spice of life, right?). It mentioned the hedonic treadmill (basically we spend what we make, then want more, make more, spend more… money never really makes us happy sans for a very temporary moment). Intrinsic goals (to better ourselves) vs. Extrinsic goals (material things or dolling up to look better) were factors as well. But it really pinpointed things that I think we all know instinctively that we forget somewhere down our winding, twisted, societally messed up road.

At the beginning of the documentary many people were asked what do they want in life and I knew the inevitable was coming… I cringed. “I want to be happy”. WHY AREN’T YOU?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK WILL *MAKE* YOU HAPPY?  I was mentally screaming at the poor victims, but I figured that’s what this was all about. I digress.

Happy isn’t something you can run down and tackle. Happy isn’t found at the bottom of your cereal box. Happy is. Happy is within each of us.  When we show compassion, kindness, laugh, exercise, practice “flow” (full energized focus for intrinsic reward) our brain reacts, literally, as if it is on cocaine. Happy is our drug.  Research shows that the more we meditate on these loving, compassionate behaviors the more our left prefrontal cortex lights up. We can literally change our brain and train ourselves to be happier. According to the research for the documentary about 50% of our happiness is kindly given to us by our genes. Home, job, and status make up about 10% and the remaining 40% of our Happy comes from intentional behavior, or what we do to ensure our own happiness. Did you catch that? WHAT WE DO TO ENSURE IT…

We have to intend to be happy. How do we do this? By having good relationships, continuing physical activity, being a part of community, serving and having compassion for others, and appreciating what we have.  The best news of this and probably what we already know to be true is that absolutely none of this costs us a thing. Nada. Zip. Nothing.  The phrase “The happiest people aren’t the ones who have the most, they make the most of what they have” kept coming to mind. I love my time. I love my friends and family. I love that when people ask me what plans I have for the summer I can say “Nothing!” and it’s fine! I am not working myself to the bone for… for… anything! I have it all! I’m happy. Are there some things in life I would like altered? Yep, but I’m not working sun up to sun down, neglecting my family, friendships, relationships to get things. Did you know there is a word in Japan for the people who are literally working themselves to death? It’s called Karoshi. There are even songs that the widows and children sing about it. Horrific!

So, what are we working for? I love my job. I do. I love it! I work hard, but I love to play, too. I love to read. I love to sit out with all the neighborhood kids and talk. I don’t know what I’ll leave behind in this life, probably not a lot of money, but maybe a legacy that is greater. “Mom was happy…she loved life!” I’d rather this be said while my ashes are scattered somewhere beautiful than “Mom had a lot of money”. The latter just doesn’t have that whimsical ring to it that I like.

Be Peaceful. Be Happy.

Becky

July 22, 2013

"Love is" and Light bulbs

Over the past year or so I have really had a lot of light bulb moments, or ah-ha moments. This is a direct result of many, MANY meditations, prayers, quiet moments, readings and listening to others...well, and the occasional 'near car wreck'. Just sayin'.  I went to a wedding last night and the gentleman who spoke read 1 Cor. 13 that is often read, "Love is patient, love is kind..." etc. I have always loved that scripture. In some of my readings and quiet moments it has occurred to me that love simply is. It just is.

What do I mean by that? Probably many of you are going "Duh, Beck, you are just now figuring this out?" What I mean by that is that there is an overwhelming sense of peace when you finally figure out that love can't be bought, earned, withheld, or bargained. If it is, it isn't love. Love can't be beaten into someone, forced, begged for, or kept away. Love is. It simply is. I do realize there are different kinds of love, but what I'm talking about is the love that God breathes in us when we are brought to this earth. We have some strange ways of being raised (not me in particular, but I see this in kids a lot) in that if we mess up, we won't be loved. If we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, can't prove ourselves worthy, don't look right, eat right, speak correctly, we won't be loved. It is really heart-breaking when you think about this horrifically warped sense of thinking because love just is. It IS. We don't have to earn it, it's there. It's here. God surrounds us with it and we don't have to go blindly through the maze of getting it all "right" to get our love sticker at the end. We HAVE it! Unconditionally!

Love is. God breathed love into us. I don't know about you but it is a relief to me to know that I don't have to go around proving myself worthy to be loved. Isn't it nice to know that when we make mistakes we just begin again and try to do better because we have faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of these IS love? I don't have to put expectations on myself or anyone else to love them. That only defines me, not them. By the way, the person that drives you totally nuts? The one that cut you off in traffic on your way to church this morning? The one that got the promotion instead of you? God loves them, too.

Allowing yourself to be loved means that you stop judging yourself. You stop judging others. You begin to see others the way that God sees them. You say, "Wait just a damn minute, now! That means I have to forgive him/her for offending me 23 years ago!" Yep, you do. That doesn't mean you become a door mat or put yourself in someone's wrathful path, it means you let go. You let go of anger, pain, the past. You surround yourself with God and His light and love and you realize how many times He has forgiven you. You pray to see others the way He sees them and you realize there is no room for anything but love. A certain peace begins to settle in and you crave it with every fiber of your being. You crave for everyone in your life to feel this peace, this overwhelming love that God brings. It is an experience. It isn't a book or lecture or blog. It's an experience....It's an ah-ha moment, a light bulb moment. Thank you for letting me share mine.

LOVE,
Becky :)
June 23, 2013

June 13, 1976

Years ago, in my 20's, I was in counseling with a wonderful woman who was helping me get through some tough things. I told her that in the spring I get a certain restlessness, an itch. It's not spring fever, I told her, it's hard to explain, it's more like I'm trying to be so crazy, so busy I'm avoiding something. She smiled a slight smile and asked me what, traumatic or life changing event may have happened at some point when I was young, in the springtime, perhaps. I remember tears filling my eyes immediately. A light bulb came on. I could barely whisper out the words. "My dad got sick. He died."

Dad was diagnosed in April of '76 and died about two months later. I have strange memories of those days, some very specific ones. If you ask anyone who knows me well, I have a very detailed, very specific memory. My heart took a lot of pictures.

June 13, 1976 was the day I realized my mom had big blue eyes. Our house was filling with people for some reason. A six year old girl didn't ask a lot of questions of adults during this time, I just knew people were coming and they were bringing food and talking in low voices. I wondered why they were there. Why they were sad and looking at us like that. Mom was coming home. She'd tell me. My older sister and I were in our room. My mom and my uncle came in and my mom's eyes were huge and bright blue with a little red around the blue. I know now when blue/green eyed people cry their eyes get really bright. I remember her eyes more than anything that day. I remember her telling us Dad had died and we jumped off our beds onto her like rhesus monkeys. I don't remember the next couple of days.

In the church we sang "How Great Thou Art" and I still have a hard time singing that song without getting a lump in my throat. I remember turning around and seeing the Gilliam family behind me. I remember my cousin Bobby reading "The Five Chinese Brothers" to me in the back seat of our car on the way to the burial. The burial was strange and I imagine my mom's heart broke especially hard when I tried to tell her I heard Dad try to get out of the casket (the wind was blowing it up against the dirt walls before it was lowered) and she had to explain to me that he was indeed, not alive, it was just the wind.

That was the last memory I have of that day and for a lot of days. But I began new memories of the strength of a woman. I learned that my mom is probably one of the strongest women I will ever know. She had three little girls and went back to school to get her Realtor license. She still went to PTA meetings, church, activities, etc. She surrounded herself with our neighborhood friends. She gave us the memory of Sunday night popcorn, hot chocolate, "Alice" on TV nights in the playroom.

My mom lost her beloved, her best friend. Daddy and she laid a good foundation though. We all went to college and we have all stayed very close. Mom used to say that some strange unforeseen force sewed us together at the hip when Dad died. Maybe. Or maybe Mom showed us how family stays together no matter what trials and hurts we go through or even put each other through. We are family.

Since realizing that I was somehow avoiding thinking about that time in my life, each year now I allow myself to think about it. But I don't dwell on Dad's death. Why? I think about his life and how he, along with his beloved wife had it made for 14 short years. I think about how he would draw pictures for me and make me "cooler coffee" (mostly milk and sugar). I think about me "helping" him in the garage. I think about the positive. I don't go to Dad's grave very often. He isn't there. In fact he told Mom not to go or take flowers because that's not where he would be. Dad knew he would be with God. I allow myself to think about the positive things, the fun things. I allow myself to think about how Dad would be proud of all us, but especially of Mom.

It really stinks losing a parent at any age, but especially a young age. Now when June 13 rolls around I celebrate my best friend's birthday. Funny, it's the same day.

Life and death. It is a circle and we know that. Nothing really prepares us I will never tell anyone else how to handle grief, ever. It's too personal. I will tell you that for me, I have learned to look at a life worth celebrating, at all the lives touched that are stronger, at memories to be smiled at and cherished, even laughed about. Myself? I strive to leave the world better, my children happier, and echoes of laughter while taking lots of heart pictures along the way.

What if?

The Extra Penny

~ What If? ~

When I lived in Virginia I had a t-shirt that read at the top “What if…” and had a long line of really cool what-ifs. Many of the what-ifs could actually happen while some of the what-ifs were impossible, like, “what if dolphins could talk?” I think that’d be really cool myself, but you get the point.

I have thought a lot about what if lately. We all hear “What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?”  To lead into this you should know that I am a very peaceful, down-to-earth person.  I do like to think about the what-if’s that could be real. Given that I am really ready to be real with everyone (and you will read that in this blog), I think I’ll throw out some what if’s for your consideration.

I would do a million things, but let’s get real. Here we go with my own What If’s…

What if? If I knew I wouldn't fail? I would write the book I know I want to write. The problem is that I don’t know what kind of book I would write or to what audience. I think I would write to you, about life, about what is good, not so good, trying to make you laugh, think, reflect, etc. The problem is I am afraid of failure. What if? What if I really became a motivational speaker and taught young ladies the crucial importance of respecting themselves and insisting that others respect them. What if I really talked to members of my family who didn't have faith in God, about God and his amazing grace? I would tell them how He isn't the same god we were so afraid of while we were growing up, rather, a God of grace and forgiveness, and love. What if I could tell people that I love, that I really love them with no expectations of reciprocation? Just tell them because I do. What if I did that?  

What If… I couldn't fail… I would try comedy maybe. I would run a half-marathon, or a marathon even. I have discovered that I don’t want to do distance runs though, I love short runs… so maybe I would just keep ‘happy running’. I would decorate! I love decorating! I would find out more about my background…. My father… his family.

What about you? What if? What if you made that phone call today? What if you forgave the unforgivable? What if you visited the person you *think* doesn't want to see you? What if you laughed a little more? What if you laughed out loud in private? What if you looked at yourself in the mirror and told yourself you are beautiful? What if you are walking with your child, no matter how old, and you took their hand to hold? What if you called someone just to say I’m thinking about you? Not text, call? What if you laughed at something you think you should be mad about? What if you hugged a stranger? (be careful!) What if you tipped extra big or left a kind note for a wait person? What if you sent a card to someone you hardly knew just letting them know you had them in your thoughts? What if? What if you go WAY out on a limb? It could turn your life around. It could. You don’t know. Someone may be waiting to hear from you. Someone may love you back. Someone may miss you or may just need to hear a kind word today. Someone may want to hold your hand. Your child may want to hold your hand. What if?

And what if dolphins could talk? I think they know secrets. I think they would tell us to live big, HUGE! Fearless. What do you have to lose?

What if?

Peace and love,

Becky

June 12, 2013

Looking Forward

Before reading this please realize that I can't really take credit for original ideas. I know, I know you WANT to give me full credit, but so much of what I am about to write is a compilation of things I've heard, read, thought, discussed, dreamed, made-up, who knows... but here I go (btw, I've probably written all of this before but  lucky for you I have little memory).

When kids get into arguments, they fight, get nasty, get over it, and forget it pretty quickly. Why? Why not!? They have games to play, Kool-Aid to drink! Cookies to eat! There is daylight and it's a wastin' who has time to be mad?! What do we do as adults? At least many of us? We hold on to pain and anger like it's our best friend, our most comfortable robe, our blankie.

Over the last year I have learned and am still learning the art of looking forward. We use that term a lot don't we? "I'm looking forward to seeing you!" "I'm looking forward to it!" My question is this: How can we look forward if we're constantly looking backwards? How can we possibly be open to what is in store if we refuse to put down what is already done? How can God place something new and wonderful in our hands if our hands are full of what already happened that we can't change, simply because we refuse to let it go? How? He can't. We can't. We absolutely, positively can not. We. Can. Not.

I have been the chief of sinners when it has come to holding on to things in the past. I cherished my pain and hurt because they were familiar, they kept me company when I was alone, and I already knew what feelings they brought on. I knew them. I knew them well. No surprises. A horrible, stupid comfort zone, but a comfort zone no less. But my God, My God, He has so much more in store for me and I had to learn to let go. I HAD to learn to stop looking back. I had to let go. I had to look forward. What did this mean?

I had to forgive. I had to forgive the situations, the people, everything that had caused hurt and pain in my life. I had to forgive myself for believing I deserved to stay stuck there. I had to forgive myself and know, KNOW that God wanted more for me. I want more for my children, isn't God bigger than we are? Isn't God bigger than our past? Yes. YES. The forgiving process sucks. It's hard. I backslid. A LOT. I still do sometimes. But I can tell you this, there is nothing more freeing than when you finally let go. That's all. You let go. You realize that most people do the best they can, when they can, where they are. You give people a break. You give yourself a break. You relax. You live. You laugh more. You forgive. And you look forward. And you pray. A lot!

I had to start praying for more. Not more things. I don't put my value there, but praying to see more. I pray to see God everyday. I pray to represent God and not myself. I look forward to what He is going to show me everyday. When you are excited to see what miracles He may bring today, you don't have time to think about the screw-ups of yesterday. Remember? You've already forgiven them and learned from them. You may even laugh about them, but they are gone. You learn, you look forward. "Good morning, God! What's on the agenda today?"

You, I, we can not change anything that has happened. That sounds so simplistic doesn't it? We. Can. Not. Change. What. Has. Happened. I typed that like that so you would read it slowly (go back and read it slowly). We absolutely positively can not go backwards. But are constantly going forward. So we look forward. We look forward to making someone's day. We look forward to doing better. We look forward to being kinder, making better choices, choosing happiness and excitement about our lives. 

We are human. We are strange and funny creatures. We make mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. But we are lovable. We deserve God's love because God created us. Why would He create something that didn't deserve love? He wouldn't. So stop looking backwards at things that can not be changed and look forward to all the awesomeness that He wants to bring in to your life. He can not put anything in until you get rid of yesterday, that's up to you.

You know looking forward is exciting. I love surprises. God is full of them. This morning I was surprised to hear some serious banging in my house in the chimney. I'm pretty sure my house isn't haunted. I'm pretty sure there's a bird in there. I'm looking forward to it leaving. :)

Peace and blessings,
Becky
June 11, 2013

Where is God?

The Extra Penny

~ Where is God?~

This blog just might pluck your nerve so consider this your fore warning. Wasn't that nice of me?  Kind of like the news telling you to get the kids out of room before they show the all-too-graphic pictures, I give you a warning. I always write from the heart, but I find my most spontaneous writings are the best, for me anyway.

So I've had my first ‘alone’ day in 4 weeks. I have shopped, ran into my sister (who I caught trying to sneak a note on my windshield at a local store. I’ll get you back.), watched some mindless TV, walked a few miles to clear my head (no running, thank you knees), and had some alone time trying to talk to God. And I began to wonder… where is God?

Before you try to answer, I think I have it, for me anyway. Allow me to take you with me through my journey. I’m sure some of you have been through this, it has to do with being frustrated, tired, excited, hopeful, realized, and every other adjective of which you can imagine. Where is God?

If you are reading this, you are probably similar to me in that you rejoice in others’ promotions, look for the positive in what others see as negative, and continuously try to boost those who have to look up to see down! This is a role I have taken on my entire life and I love it no matter how exhausting. I am, however, wondering, where is God for me?

Before you think I am winding crepe paper and blowing up balloons for a pity party, I assure you that is not my style. Ask anyone who knows me. I think we all have those 15 minutes occasionally (and I am certainly not exempt), but I am wondering why, when I have been so excited about the lives of others, I haven’t been nearly as excited about my own… and why I am not seeing God in my own life as much as I am seeing Him in others? And even as I type this, the structure of this blog is changing…

(I just had an Ah-Ha moment… Seriously, stay with me). I am so glad my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am so glad my God is big enough to handle my anger and my doubts. I will tell you this from the bottom of my heart (or the heart of my bottom which is bigger; I tried on clothes today) that I have NEVER doubted there is a God. I HAVE doubted that He has remembered me. I have thought, in the depths of my little blonde brain that He must be too busy with all the important things to bother with my petty questions, requests, hopes, dreams,  doubts, and fears.

I am a mother. If I heard those words come from either of my children, my heart would crack open. I would cry. In fact, just typing this makes my eyes leak a little that one of my children would think for one second that I wouldn't care what troubles them; wouldn't care what they want or what they need. Do they have enough lunch money? Do they want a yearbook? Do they need money for the volleyball team? Raider’s team? Yes, I have students at school who come with bruises and marks, and unexplained and unspeakable crimes against them, but they, Liam and Mary... they are my children!!! Tell me what you want!!!  My God, My God…. My God must want me to tell Him the same thing… I am not petty. I matter. Yes, He has big fish to fry, but *I* am His fish! I matter! While I am taking care of everyone else and trying to make sure God shows up and shows out in their lives, am I making sure He has room in mine? Am I giving Him work space? I’m not.

As I wrap this up, I will tell you this entry took an entirely different turn than I thought. I have wondered if God remembers me and while I typed I realize I have been the one so busy that I didn't leave Him much entry room. I would say I’m embarrassed, but I’m not. I know God works through my hands, my fingers, my mind, my heart.

I have hoped for many things… security and safety for my children, true love, financial peace, but mostly that I can truly touch those who read.

So where is God? He hasn't moved. He hasn't left. Where have I been? I've been busy trying to help everyone. It took a day alone… a day where I was ‘bored’ and ‘restless’ to reconnect. God is here. Where have I been? I can’t share Him if I can’t slow down. I matter to Him. I am important enough to sit quietly and talk to Him and renew myself. It’s funny… it makes sense now. A song played this morning as I walked and I felt so strong… I was even belting out this song a little as a runner passed me (bless his heart)...   (Big Daddy Weave)

They who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength
They will mount up on wings, they will walk and not faint
Seasons of this life change but God's faithfulness remains
They who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength .

He craves me… my time. He craves you. Where is God? He’s right here. Right now. Where are you?

Peace,

Becky